Church

So there I was frustrated angry, hurt, and in those moments I allowed that spirit to fester…bitterness grabbed at my attitude, judgment desired to spew out of my lips as comparison danced its enticing salsa moves in my mind and defeat pressured my stance while I began to sit in the lies hoping to have me.  The church had done me wrong. I was enraged.  I was grieved.  The flesh and spirit fight battled in my body, heart, mind and soul, for days.  

What I heard.

“Look in.”

I heard the Lord say.  “Don’t look out look in.  Look inside you.  Be still child and look.  Because the church is you.  I live in you and I am building my kingdom through you.”

I am being called by the certainty of The Holy Spirit in me to this holy inward radically unnatural look during a time I would rather look at the specs in others eyes without giving thought to a plank in mine.  The message is everywhere inside me and everywhere I seem to turn.  I say yes, not because it’s going to do me any good -like make me a shinier vessel and get me a well done at the meet and great in heaven (although I eagerly await that day) I just say yes because, “King I love you!  I have chained myself to your gospel. I want to be a fool for you. I want my heart to be a home where you can live; I want to be like the poor who have found the true riches.  Jesus I just love you. You’re a Good King who is trustworthy every single time. 

So Jesus is softly speaking to my heart, “Look in…this is where the church is.”  As I look in, I see two things: 1) the disgusting wretchedness of my sinful and shameful ways.  I live my life a lot of the time as a spiritual sleepy head! Ugh!  And then I see the other part during this inward look.  2) The Spirit.  The same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead lives in me and continually makes me more and more like him as I fan into flame this gift of God.  Thank you God for your spirit that is like the full time butler to my ever needy withered human soul.  In ward I look while quieting my ever expressive soul and listen ….

“Child stop looking out and pointing fingers, thinking maliciously...No matter what is going on around you I need you to have a laser focus on me.  The fire is heating up around the world but I want to refine you and burn off in you all that is useless to my kingdom. I am making you more and more into the reflection of my son, Jesus.  My Spirit does live in you and for resurrection power to be yours, death must happen.  My word says if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray  and turn from their wicked ways then I will come to them and heal them.  Church, (insert name) humble yourself.  Where is your pride?  Where is your arrogance, where is your superiority to others including other believers .  Church when did you put levels at the foot of my cross?  Church when did you only enlist those who dressed like you or conformed to you?  Church, (Joy) get over yourself! Church what have you put before me?” 

(Lord personally speaking this is sick but I have put the dumbest things like mascara before you if I am going to be transparently honest, ice cream, getting my way, or God have mercy, the sound of my own voice during a worship song. Ugh! Thanks Jesus for loving and forgiving me.)

“Church humble yourself, repent, and turn from the wickedness of comfort, hoarding the gospel, hoarding your time, hoarding your talent, hoarding  your gifts, hoarding your treasure, get rid of this lifestyle even if you must sell everything you own to do so.  Turn away from addictions, habits, rituals, comfort, usual, and normal. Wake up . Turn! Roll over shut off the snooze button and get out of your bed arise my darling for there is a wedding to prepare for! The invitations have not all yet been received. I don’t need you but I want you. I desire to commune with you.  Will you stop sleeping and be with me? You are my bride, I am crazy about you, don’t miss our wedding day.  Will you rub the sleep out of your eyes and wake up from your hibernating state.  You filled yourself and fell asleep.  Sleep is good to an extent but the time for rest is over it is time to come out of hibernation and feel the hunger pains of a dry church needing my living water, my daily bread to fuel a divine fire of revival which I need you to GO! Get outside the built up walls.  Feed and rescue a dying going to hell world.  I am building my church. I am building you.  Stop being a spiritual zombie, reading my word as a ritual and checking it off your to do list. Allow it to sink in, change you, and share it with someone.”

As I here this message from the beautiful Church Builder constructing His church in me, I with a dry mouth, a cough and the smell of spiritual morning breath say, “Lord I’m in. Show me how “in” looks and what to do."

What to do?

I am learning that for right now it means feeling squeamishly uncomfortable most of the time, being willing to have awkward moments, making relationships with others I would have previously passed by…relationships, friendships… not projects, clients or prospective church memberships, just people that God wants me to love like I love myself. Myself does not want to not know about Jesus love and die  and live forever in hell so I get a little more willing to go and spend me on them because I could be them if it were not for the great mercy and love The Spirit prompted others to show me.  

 For right now it means forgiving authority in my life. 

For right now it means in humility putting myself out there with the transparency of this writing with my laser focus on Jesus and not my easy, what is everybody else going to think about it, excuse card. For now it means continuously being humbled and turning from my wicked ways so I become less and he becomes more.   

For now it means waiting on the Lord for logistics and connections that he will show me to bond with other believers who want to live on the Kingdom’s front line locally and globally. 

For now it means pleading with the generation that is in front of me to not drop the baton.  I need you.  If it were not for your faithful and consistent obedience to Jesus I would be a lost soul. Don’t stop now your purpose is not over. Take my hand don’t cross your arms at the style I am freest to worship in. For now it means I will stop viewing your hymn book as stuffy and irrelevant. Take my hand and pour your eternal wisdom into me that I can pour into the next generation.  Take my hand and show me how to be a Godlier woman; share your story with me. Take our hands as we are in the middle of raising the up and coming generation. You have done this. We need your wisdom, love, authenticity, transparency and guidance.  Thank you to those of you who have bought into the ministry of mentoring. Spread the fire and the blessing. For now this means I kneel, I weep, I roll up my sleeves, and I might even dress a little crazy sometimes for the ones coming after me. Oh Church they need us more than ever. 

For now it means looking at everything “I have” and realizing it was never mine.  For now it means giving more… stuff, money, time.  For now it means rethinking what is really a need and a want.

 For now it means admitting, I need your help I cannot do this alone.  For now it means offering help to my sisters and brothers in Christ…and any soul in need of a Savior, I’m awake if you need a hand. 

For now it means open hands unclenched to me, control, my way and instead turned up, lifted up to Jesus.

 For now it means not giving up hope on the Church in America. For now it does mean to not conform. For now it means being willing to be unpopular, disliked, and labeled a fool if necessary. For now it means believing I am the Church, you are the Church if you know Jesus. We are the church, his bride, and he is jealous for us. We need not give our love and devotion to another, for our coming King is enthralled with us. 

For now it means I say, I am sorry world looking in if I have given you the perception that I am better, have arrived, or know more…I’m not and I don’t. For now it means I say I’m sorry church has wronged you, it’s wronged me too but Jesus never has.

For now it means being OK with not being perfect yet and loving, serving, and serving others who have not been made perfect yet either but loving and serving anyway. For now it means having a sacred ache for home that doesn’t leave me discontented and home sick but drawn to action for my homeland of Heaven.

It’s been an imperfect look with fallen eyes that struggle and wrestle with the flesh. I get caught up in sweating the small stuff; I mean put me in a shopping mall and my eyes are enticed. The worldly stuff calls my name. I instinctively call out, “Yes oh bedazzled blue jeans!”  Lately though, put me in a shopping mall and I feel miraculously out of place. The blinders have been taken off.  Not that I should never shop or will never again but, I see the stuff as stuff that will actually burn…eventually. Thus stuff you have lost  your stately position when put against the true riches of heaven’s kingdom with things like feeding the hungry, loving the broken, looking after orphans, and weeping with the widow.  Clearance racks cannot hold a candle to the reality of knowing that God’s word says if I overcome all this earthy stuff and keep a fire for him, not only do I get to spend eternity in Heaven with Jesus because of his grace and mercy for me, I will get to sit on his throne! (Rev 3).  To a girl who has lived most of her life daddy less, this is super motivating I can’t wait to snuggle up on my Father’s lap on his throne!!! ……………………………………………………...............……...….............................. sorry, I was having a moment.

What does it mean for you, Church?

Built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus himself being the cornerstone, in who the whole structure, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord. In him you also are being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit. - Ephesians 2:20-22

But Christ is faithful over God's house as a son. And we are his house if indeed we hold on to our courage and the hope of which we boast. -Hebrews 3:6