Monday was a day that turned our world upside down. My middle son had an MRI- and a Cerebellar Tonsillar Herniation was found on his brain. So we are in the waiting room of life for 5 more days until we see a Pediatric Neurosurgeon in Iowa City.
I debate to share the following but decide to be vulnerable and if you should so choose to continue on while I emotionally vomit all over you the reader;...I guess I want to be vulnerable because we can use all the prayer we can get right now and I want Jesus to have all the glory for whatever happens in my sons future.
Lord Jesus every emotion has stirred in my heart...memories of this precious child pop up on my screen that have been unopened yet saved in my mama brain over the last 15+ years. The what if and scenarios of how this will all play out constantly try to creep in and fill me with worry fear or even guilt of possibly overreacting to the whole thing, and yet life continues on. So many people have been here in this waiting room of life before me. I have read about them, on-line...in books...and magazines...seen their stories on documentaries and reality shows on TV..I know this happens but didn't think it would hit our world. this close. But here we are. A lot of the time when I am calmly talking to people about what is going on it's like an out of body experience or awkwardly enough talking about someone else. But I'm not and I have yet to be out of my own skin so it sinks in and I get weepy usually when I am alone...Sometimes my mama bear kicks in and I just want control over this one and want to plead with God to switch places with my baby...but this is not the road that was chosen for me. Sometimes I want to be factual and logical and educated on whats going on but that brings me to websites filled with the worst case scenario which leads me back to the weepy destination and yet the hours tick on ever so slowly of my usually flying too fast life..
God I don't know how to parent my child through this one, I don't think there are any how to manuals on this one..like, How to Have your Child Thrive with a Life Threatening Situation, The Happy Child in The Waiting Game, What to Expect when you Don't know What your Expecting, 5 Days to Overcoming Brain Hernaitions...Those books are not out there...Can you help me?
Lord I know he's scared yet his personality is such that I feel like a private investigator to uncover his feelings, can you help me?
Lord you know my passionate heart, crazy as it is, better than I do, it's my greatest strength and yet also my greatest weakness especially right now..I need steadiness, can you help me?
Lord Jesus, my boy, is hurting, he needs healing, Lord Jesus it's MY BOY...Can you help him?
Lord Jesus this is hard for everybody in our world, not knowing how to respond, some responses that cause hurt, can you help us?
And he does because even though there are not manuals and how to books written for this season of life there is one manual that is written once and for all. Right now it feels as though it was all written personally for us, my son, and me. The promises in the Word of God are truly living and active and sharper than any double edged sword (Hebrews 4:12). They are literally sustaining my heart. Because in myself I want to be going crazing and acting irrational, and throwing a fit about all of this. But it is there... consistent truth flowing down into my soul giving me strength for the moment. Allowing me to lead my son and navigate is fragile heart through these days.
This is why I believe. Because my life has had storms. A lot of storms. Whether a gentle rain or a complete Tsunami. I have tried different "fixes" throughout my life when the forecast of life looks threatening and when the dark clouds roll in. I have tried lots of self solutions, positive thinking, excessive exercise, excessive eating. I have tried casual sex, shopping sprees, alcohol. I have tried putting on masks, religion, using other people. I have tried throwing tantrums, throwing things and throwing in the towel. Most brought instant comfort, and lasting guilt. Some brought good coping skills yet still unsurfaced fright. The only thing that I have tried that has not ever failed my life is the life giving name of Jesus.
Jesus you are the one thing that has remained. Unchanging, unwaivering, unmoving. And now I hear you say...."Help is on the way."
To the extravagantly rich promises of your word I cling today......
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)
"He who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundations on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it because it was well built. But those who hear my words and do not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent truck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete." (Luke 6:47-49)
"Rejoice in the Lord. Always. I will say it again. Rejoice. Let gentleness be evident to all the Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:4-7)
"We have this treasure to show that this all surpassing greatness is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side but not crushed. perplexed but not in despair, persecuted but not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed. ...Therefore we do not lose heart though outwardly we are wasting away yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen but what is unseen for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal," (II Corinthians 4:7-18)
"God is our refuge and strength an ever present help in times of trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth gives way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, and the mountains quake with their surging. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God a Holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her. She will not fall. God will help her at day break." (Psalm 46)
"Praise the Lord O my soul; all my inmost being praise his holy name. Forget not all his benefits--who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things." (Psalm 103)
And these promises are just the tip of the iceberg....Lord you are soo good. I love you I love your word. Especially in the unknown.
I hear your voice of truth speak out over the shouting of worry and fear and dread and doubt in my spirit.
"Give your boy to me, for he has always been mine. Lay him in my arms. Carry him to my heart. Let the hands of the healer hold your son's head. Let me be his peace, his comfort his strong tower. Bring your son to me child and allow the wounds that I took for him heal him. This is a time for him to draw near to me and find out in his deep places who I am. I want him to know me and the Power of the resurrection in his life, for My Glory to be lived out with purpose in his days. Child I know the plans I have for Collin Joshua Foose, plans to prosper him and not to harm him, plans to give him a hope and a good future. Sweet child of mine who I have allowed for a time to be Collin's mother lay him down, he is truly Mine. I love him more than you can know; so much that I have counted every hair on his head and if you were to count the thoughts I have towards him they outnumber the grains of sand in the sea, I have his name written in the palm of my hand, like a tattoo, and his name sealed in the Lamb's Book of Life. Child your thoughts and ways are not my thoughts and ways but know that mine is best. Rest in that. Resolve in the unchanging love that I have for this boy that you love and I will not ever let him go. Lay him down child and give him to me. I am his Great Physician. I will skillfully work through those who you have yet to meet on this journey. I am his Counselor. I will breathe words of encouragement, support and love through you and others to him. I love your son. I died for this. I didn't stay dead. I am alive and my spirit is now interceding for you in the royal throne room of heaven with utterings and words man cannot yet understand. Heaven is on his side. On your side. The enemy knows this He hates it, he will try to deceive, distract, and defeat you, it may feel like it at times but it cannot happen. You are sealed with my promises. You are mine. Collin is mine. No one can snatch out of my hands. Allow this time to be a time of waiting in Hope. Allow this season to strengthen you. I am your healer and your deliverer. You child have been delivered. I and relentlessly for you and your son. I am jealous for him. I desire him to be a mighty man of God. A fearless warrior for the things of eternity. His life, his servant hood will be a tool for an awakening of souls. Do not fear. This child has purpose in my kingdom. You see his affectionate way of selflessly serving, you see how I have created him to think quickly and lead, you see how I have created him with work ethic and high motivation, you see how I have created him with charm, charisma, and comedy...these traits I have created in him need to be molded and shaped to make him the man I have for him to be in my kingdom. Give him to me Child I am his help, I am for him, and I have his best interest at heart"....
Jesus he is yours...He has never been fully mine. Have and do your good will for this sweet boy that I love like only you can, Let him Know You and the Great power of his Great God this day and in the days to come...I will forever praise you for whatever that is...Thanks for making my mama heart so big and full for this kid. Thank you for every single minute you have allowed me to know this child even the ones where he has drove me crazy. Thanks you for every minute yet to come...I love you Jesus you are enough today.
