Where your Treasure is...

I don't know about you, but my summer has been a whirlwind. I now can add professional juggler to my list of accolades, maybe not necessarily in juggling actual items in my hands but in starting a day and putting my life in perpetual circular motion with home, family, job, activities bouncing from one hand to the other.  A friend of mine described her summer as if she where a spinning top and someone wound her up and set her down to continually spin.  A lot of days I feel overwhelmed, or get the attitude that I need to just "get through" this. But as I reflected on this verse in the bible my attitude and stressed- out, control freak instinctive behaviors quieted themselves as the word of God once again came and renewed my heart with a beautiful truth.

Mathew 6:21"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." As I read this verse I noticed that my treasure leads my heart, my heart does not lead me to my treasure. I then began to ask myself, "Where is my treasure?"

Being a woman who likes to change her mind and is passionate about many things I thought; it depends- sometimes my treasure is ice cream, dessert, a new pair of jeans, in the morning it's coffee, much of my time it's my children-their needs, their lives, their schedules, the sheer honor of being a mom, my husband- alone time with him-that is treasure.  Sometimes my treasure is my job serving people and doing what I love.  Many treasures dangle themselves in front of me all the time; everyday. I continued to ponder this verse read in church Sunday morning.

Sure I know the right answer my treasure is Jesus- I grew up going to Sunday school, bible school, church camp- Jesus is our treasure; answer a. I have that imprinted on my mind and heart thankfully.  But if I get gruelingly honest is he my treasure- is my heart there with him, desiring him alone in the chaos of my daily life the majority of the time? Does everything, everyone, and every responsibility come second to him? I cannot honestly answer that yes. As I pondered and wrestled with this harsh reality throughout my day and evening-pushing through guilt, fear, and struggling with surrender I kept praying and asking God to reveal truth to my heart.  In the evening breeze as my oldest son (who will be leaving home in less than a month for a ministry internship), & I went for a bike ride. During our ride it began to become clear.

The Lord spoke this truth to my spirit.  "The treasure is here right now. I am the treasure its in me. Everything  is hidden here with me. Your desires, those you love, your very life. The treasure is now come live in the treasure. Find your heart alive in the moment. Fully participate in my creation and the love that I am pouring out over you as you view the vibrant colors of the sunset I paint for your eyes to view, as you share the sweet moments together with your soon departing son, as the fire flies come out of hiding in the brush along the trail you ride on, as you feel my presence putting breath in your lungs, enjoy the ability to pedal your feet and use your muscles to move and steer this bike, enjoy my truth; my Spirit living in and speaking to you for this moment.  Yes the treasure is me and it now..and its the next moment and the next...let your heart be alive in the treasure that you are given in me.  There is no "getting through" when your heart is alive in me- there is only life-life to the fullest, there is only peace- peace that surpasses your human understanding, there is only strength- strength to do all things through me in the treasure of this moment, there's is only grace- grace that constantly covers and sustains your wrong attitudes and issues of control, there is only ability- ability to be more than a conqueror. Come child live in this moment, live in the treasure; I am here and your heart will be satisfied."

My soul awakened once again to the life giving message of an ever patient and pursuing Savior who waits for his children to savor true treasure in him.  I found comfort in Treasure leading my heart, I don't have to make my heart follow Jesus-I cannot-my heart and soul are sealed through my salvation decision to have Jesus as my Savior; my Treasure- he leads my heart to him, over and over through times of chaos and times of quiet, through trial and celebration.

My summer has not calmed down. My schedule is still full.  But I am blessed to be living in My Treasure, Jesus, through this season in my life.

If you Want to Walk on Water You have to get out of the Boat

If you want to walk on water you have to get out of the boat

So the saying goes, and so true!  But I want to preview something.  How did we get in the boat in the first place? Where did our life boat come from?  You see because sometimes that is even the bigger step actually getting on the boat and getting out on the water. 

Earlier this year my husband and I were on our honeymoon in Maui.  If you’ve never visited I’m not sure there are accurate words to the breathtaking beauty of this place in creation.  Lush tropical greenery, unending palm trees, crystal clear waters, sunshine with little interruption, the vast ocean view with humpback whales unanticipated bursts beautifully interrupting the water meeting sky line ….

 I had to pinch myself at the backdrop landscapes of beauty I lived in during our stay.  We planned several tours to soak in as much of the Maui life as we possibly could. We enjoyed a tour of snorkeling in the ocean, trekked up an inactive volcano to take in the sun rise and proceeded to ride bikes the 10,000 foot decent to the bottom, attended an authentic Hawaiian luau with dancing, and vast amounts of traditional Hawaiian foods.  All of these activities were new adventures to me and each one I enjoyed immensely even down to the snorkel in cold waters.  I had worked hard in the weeks that preceded our trip to take on a mentality of “just say YES!” Or as the famous slogan in our time, from one of our favorite athletic sole fitters goes, “Just do it!” I had trained myself in my thought process to this new philosophy in all of our free spirited activities while celebrating the bliss and love of our new marriage.  I had prepared mentally to be able to let go and enjoy the blessing that awaited me in Maui, every activity except one.  My husband had politely and randomly mentioned in many of our conversations throughout the week that he would really like to take me out on a kayak in the ocean….RED FLAG! YIKES! FEAR!! With my “Just DON’T do it” instinct overriding my previous weeks training of stand up and make a change thinking….

To some reading, this you are saying of course, why not, who wouldn’t say YES?  But those of you who might have a little more of my natural tendency to play it safe will understand what I am about to share.  You see I grew up to believe that you should play it safe, stay in your borders, don’t go outside of the box, a big day of traveling was heading to the city of Fort Dodge about 20 minutes away and an oh my goodness day would be the one hour road trip to Des Moines.

I recall a very specific incident in my childhood that blatantly stamped the “play it safe” mentality into my belief system.  One long lazy summer afternoon, our family stopped by a family member’s campsite for a visit.  They had a boat, WOW!  and asked my parents if my sister and I could take a ride in it.   My parents said they really didn’t feel it was safe and acted in worry and fear as to what the possible outcomes would be if my little elementary frame were to sit in the water pelting speed demon.  Some how or another I was finally able to take a “short, slow” ride. Seated in the boat with my life jacket attached so tightly to my torso, breathing was acknowledged at every inhale and exhale while obeying strict instruction to white knuckle the hand rails of the boat .  (There may have even been a piece of Velcro attached to the bottom of my shorts and the seat for added precautionary protection!)  We departed slowly from the dock.  What could have been a leisure day filled with laughter and fun in the sun became a frightful event to me.  I thought I would meet Jesus that afternoon under the hot Iowa sunshine.  Needless to say here I am today!  I survived the ride. Please hear me; I am not saying that a simple life is bad. Nor should we neglect to teach and train our children about dangers and risks of situations.  I am not advocating that it is unnecessary to take safety precautions and use the brains that we have been given to apply common sense.  What I am saying is, that day, which is one of many, taught me to live in the “Play it safe,” and remain on the shore lifestyle.  It engrained in me a thought pattern in life in which I did just that for so many situations.  In my head I would have big dreams and goals, many stand up moments,  plans to conquer fear and live out loud, but the “play it safe,” hold on tight, stay put, and don’t do it mentality stopped me in my grandiose idea tracks.  So there I sat on the shore of life living each day but not truly experiencing it to its full potential.  I sat on my beach towel back from the water, watching from the shore while so many jumped in their life boats and set sail to purposeful living. 

On my most daring occasions I would carefully stand up and cautiously walk towards the water and dip a toe into the cascading waves.  On a truly courageous instant I might walk just to the edge of the shore line allowing my ankles to feel the cool water coming in and out of life’s moments.  But mostly I would sit perfectly dressed, unflawed make up, smile in place, as life went by day after day.  I was physically present.  I was busy.  I was accomplishing. I was in attendance but not truly experiencing life in the joys or sorrows of my plotted out days. 

Maybe through maturity, maybe through watching others or maybe just an inner rebellion I began to question and wrestle with the day in day out “Play it safe” rule that guarded me.  One day with unpredictable circumstance I was forced to jump into my life boat.  It was more of a survival attempt as the big tsunami wave of grief over took my stay on the beach life and engulfed the safe shore I had lived on for so long.  The wave swept me swiftly and without warning off the shore. I went afloat coughing and choking into the deep sea ready to be forgotten forever in the endless s ocean of sorrow and trauma.  But wait! There was an empty boat no one had claimed floating along. Without thought of “Play it safe” or any of the nameless fear and worry tactics which normally reared their head into my thought process, causing me to believe I only  had the option to remain weak and helpless, I swam out to the empty floating boat and in desperation grabbed its side.  I pulled my shivering, dripping, exhausted body up unto its’ edge and hoisted myself in.  Unsure of passing time I remained in the boat, lifeless but alive.  Lying down hidden in a place I never expected to be, I finally gained the gumption and peeked just over the edge of the boat to gain my bearings.  In view were many boats, of all varieties and styles some populated some floating aimlessly on the water.   I saw where the comfy spot on the beach which had been my consistent residence had been and gazed with an ache, yearning for the previous comforts of the past.  The hot penetrating rays of the sun soaked into my skin as I sat in my boat off the shore and in the water…… hidden from the world and a refugee from the safe life I once knew.   Many lessons were learned as I lay back down in my life boat.  It was my hidden season, a time where the play it safe rule could no longer apply.  What a blessing in disguise that was. Although unknown at the time, sometimes a complete broken state is the best place for one to be and remain for a time.  Lies which had governed my life for so long were literally shriveled up by the truth of the Lord Jesus who hid me under the shadow of his wing in my life boat.  I began to think new thoughts and believe new truths. Ideas that once only seemed to apply to the rest of the world were being entertained in my own mind.  My life boat became not a fearful spot but a refuge for this refugee in her own life. I learned to steer my course and enjoy the waters beneath. ..

Where three years later I found myself in a literal life choice to get in a kayak without a trained leader and venture into the ocean with my husband who is by the way, one of life’s “Just do it,” representatives.  He has owned a boat for many years.  He immensely enjoys a weekend of water skiing, knee boarding, and tubing while his daring buddy speeds through the waters hoping to flip him off.  The hopes of a duo kayaking ride with no guide and no itinerary heading into the ocean, the seemingly endless ocean to him, was a truly exhilarating thought.  Of course my natural instinctive reaction was NO! I’m scared!  You go I’ll stay on the shore and watch.   I can have a just say yes attitude, but I have been quite a sport this week and every girl has her limits right?

I had made a promise to myself and boy were me, myself, and I having quite the inner battle at that moment!  Reluctantly but bravely I formed the truest “Ok,” but this will prove how much I love you response. 

Our last morning before boarding the plane back to Iowa we got dressed and headed out to the beach.  We walked along until we found the cabana with the dark skinned man peddling his beach ware.  We spoke with him about renting a kayak.  He looked intensely out on the vast waters as he surveyed the white capped waves and gave the ocean a chilling questionable glare. He turned to us and explained that their was a wind picking up so we only had one hour, the only hour that he would be renting Kayaks that day, it would soon become too dangerous to venture out.  What a comforting thought to my already quivering soul!  But onward I pressed into the fear that I was determined to conquer while also honoring my husband’s wishes. 

With the help of the beach peddling man we maneuvered the golden pointy beast into the ocean waters.  I’m not sure which I was working harder at that point in time, keeping the fake smile plastered to my face to hide my about to explode fear, or consciously slowing my breath so I wouldn’t hyperventilate?  Either way I cannot recall the first moments of drifting in and out with the waves deeper and deeper into the oceans‘s hold.  Soon I processed enough fear to be able to have a rational thought and concluded that I might as well enjoy this because they were probably my final moments anyhow! I chose to do the unthinkable to a safety girl lifestyle and glanced over the edge of the kayak!  (Instantly breathless but for a different reason)  My eyes gazed down at the cavernous crystal clear depths in awe.   The view of beauty swept my fear away and I was able to relax a bit and smile a real smile with my husband, enjoying yet another gift on this trip from God’s amazing creation! 

We battled a bit about how far we should actually go, my husband wanting to venture towards the cruise ships in the distance and I in my most dramatic high maintenance princess squeal advocating for my inner ,I have my limits perspective, “No that’s too far we’ll be lost at sea!”  We found a mutually agreeable spot, where we drifted awhile, enjoying the water beneath us and the rich rays of sun over top.  I was feeling the Love of God immensely as we continued to enjoy our kayaking experience and take it all in.  I confessed to my husband how glad I was that he “Highly encouraged me” to try it. He stated how proud he was of me for being there.  In our conversation one of us mentioned how awesome it would be to see a whale jump before we headed back to shore.  Without hesitation I turned my face up into the sun filled heavens and belted out “It sure would be nice if we could see a whale jump!”  The very next moment not too far into the ocean line a magnificent hump-back whale burst its’ enormous being out of the water, into the air and disappeared quickly back into the ocean.  We smiled, laughed, and praised God together as he heaped His blessing on us. My heart overflowed with thankfulness for the lesson I learned in trust to live outside the safety zone of the play it safe life God taught me that day in the waters of Maui.   A small mustard seed of faith act on my part produced grace filled blessing, fulfilled hearts,  heaven scent gifts, a great story to tell , a memory that I will cherish the rest of my life, and I have to believe a smile on God’s face as well!

I haven’t walked on water yet …but my life is not over!  I have learned that getting in the boat is most of the battle.  There is a life boat with your name written on the side reserved for your journey of life.  You creator has a plotted course which is saved for you alone. Will you dare yourself to get in?

Maybe you will land in surprisingly by a shock of tragedy in an attempt to not drown in life’s most tragic situations, perhaps by a choice to take swim in the deep, or maybe you’ve been given the rare honor of specific teaching in stages to learn the proper swimming strokes to safely reach your life boat destination and already know which boat belongs to you in the glistening waters.  Either way it is to each of our advantage to live life in the boat and get off the shore!  We will then be in a position to walk on water!  

Plan to be Surprised

“Plan to be surprised” –Dan in Real Life

This Thanksgiving has certainly been a tradition breaker and what I have found in the circumstance of broken tradition is that although the human tends to naturally resists change a new way and a different path can be a breath of fresh air in the heart.

You see, normally my family all gathers together for Thanksgiving at my mom and (we don’t like the word step) “bonus”-dad’s home. If you were to see pictures you would notice the festive atmosphere my mother had worked hard to create the days preceding the big “Day of Thanks,” fine china around the tables, the traditional “kids table” that you as an adult hopped you wouldn’t get stuck sitting at should you be one of the last seated.  You would see the lighted candles scattered throughout the house amongst the collection of eclectic harvest decorations my mom has gathered throughout the years.  If I showed you a picture of my family Thanksgiving you would view well dressed people smiling and happy without a care in the world.  As you flipped through the pictures you would see an endless array of pre-meal appetizers, home baked dishes, the predictable butterball “Tom Turkey”, and various delectable desserts.  If you looked at my family’s Thanksgiving pictures you might say we appeared to be the modern day picture a “Norman Rockwell” painting.  That’s what you would probably think. 

But if you did more than just see the picture while flipping through a photo album, if I invited you to one of these family gatherings you might think a little differently.  You would see my mother stressed and stewing, nervous and short fused as she put her final plans for the picture perfect holiday in place. You would see my “bonus” father in his auto-pilot “Yes Dear” mode holding in his frustration as to not cause a flawed stroke of paint in the picture.  You would see my aunt Becky and her family show up late and leave early anxious to try and please her family, her husband, and in-laws in the course of a few short hours.  You would notice my brother Josh sitting on the couch waiting for the meal, eat, and then retreat to his “man cave” in the basement to play guitar until his friends called to start their own festivities.  You would see my sister Lori, the life of the party, ohhing and ahhing over the children, helping frantically, and making everyone laugh with her quick wit and sarcasm.  You would see all the grandkids running about adding to grandma’s nervousness and frustration.  You would see me, the storyteller, and the oldest child, sitting in a chair looking for a way to keep the peace and make everyone happy.  I might seem quite except for my hellos and short comments but you would recognize my smile, plastic and drawn on perfectly matching my planned out outfit and jewelry similar to previous holidays.  You couldn’t help but notice my brother-in law-Todd, short tempered and yelling at his excited boys while wishing he were anywhere but at his in-laws.  You would see my well groomed husband playing yes man to everyone, ready to impress and give words of wisdom to all.  And who could forget my ditzy aunt Cindy strolling in with her flawless hair and make-up, her family, and her “gift with purchase” promotions of Estee Lauder products for all the women.  We could not leave out my “bonus” brother Mike and sister Mindy usually having the “What the hell did my dad get himself into?”  looks on their faces.

Pictures may be worth a thousand words, but reality TV is worth millions!  Yes if you had asked me about any holidays before this Thanksgiving that’s what I would tell you.  If you joined me in one of our previous family Thanksgivings that more than likely would have been your observations. But if I may, I would like to tell you about this Thanksgiving, The Thanksgiving of Pleasant Surprise.

My day started out quite different it began in an industrial kitchen preparing a meal for 105 tenants, family, friends, and community members at the assisted living facility where I work.  I cannot recall a morning that I worked on this day, but was honestly “eager” to be able to in order to avoid the chaos of the usual family tradition, not to mention the complete tragedy that I ended up leaving in bawl baby tears the last time we had all gathered at Christmas.  So away I went cooking and baking and setting up tables, place settings and adding the final touches before the guests began arriving.  I have worked in this position for a little under a year.  I never guessed I would enjoy working in a senior community but another pleasant surprise of blessing.  The tenants that I have the honor and privilege to cook and plan meals for each day are some of the most beautiful and courageous people I have ever met.  I prayed earlier this week that God would help me and that this would be a warm and loving Thanksgiving for all present.  Well, without going into all the specific detail, my prayers were answered beyond anything I could have imagined.  God is so beautiful and trustworthy. He listens and answers the prayer of a girl taking on a little more than she can handle, asking for his help, while at the same time taking on her mother’s nervous habit of fussing and stewing about the details. He is such a good God to me.  The meal was lovely and all in attendance were satisfied and pleased with the day.  The feeling of serving all those guests gave me an amazing “full feeling” unlike the “stuffed and miserable” feeling I had in the past from all the feasting.  After cleaning up it was now time to head to my personal family Thanksgiving.  Tired and not feeling well due to a head cold I crammed in the car with my boys and their dad, our contributions to the meal, some overnight bags, and evening entertainment of Rock Band on the X-Box 360.  Honestly I was spent and didn’t have much left to give, but was looking forward to seeing my family and mentally prepared how I would respond to everyone who was not ok with me not playing my traditional role in our famous painting.  You see over the course of almost two years I have been doing some very hard work in my soul which has caused me to look at life and respond to situations differently in many ways.

What comes next?  Well to my surprise the painting had been destroyed before I arrived.  I walked into my mom and dad’s home and mom is in her jeans and it’s quiet.  There are a few candles lit and some nice decorations scattered about but jaw-droppingly enough, yes, only a stack of Chinet disposable plates were on the serving table with one choice of pie! It just started to get weirder when my mother responded calmly to us and did not have all the trimmings ready when we arrived and seemed not to care too much about it.  She even remained calm and not overly emotional when she broke the news to me that my sister and her husband may or may not make it but that it was ok to go ahead and eat without them.  Was I in the twilight zone?  My “bonus” brother and sister were there making themselves at home.  They had just lost their grandmother a few days earlier and were grieving her loss.  Grandpa wasn’t even in the kitchen waiting for his pending orders.  What aliens had come in and abducted my family and replaced them with these creatures?  The night continued and we shared a simple meal that was simply delicious, just enough and not too much.  As I was eating my dinner I noticed that I was the one sitting at the “kids spot” at the bar by herself.  Well if everyone else was going to break tradition by golly so was I, after all I was the one who had paid for all the expensive therapy why were they all acting as if they had?  I stood up and proudly marched into the other room to join my parents and “bonus” brother, Mike.  Entering the room I began hacking and coughing uncontrollably.  Bob, (my bonus dad who I will refer to as “Grandpa”) went into the other room and poured a glass of apricot brandy, his cure all to cut throat phlegm.  I began sipping on the esophagus burning liquid and it began to do the trick.  I was soon conversing with family again and began teasing mom about her alcoholism and pretending to have a cold just so she can get into Grandpa’s brandy stash (my mother is a “Good Baptist girl” who rarely if ever drinks).  As our conversation kept going I began talking with my brother Mike about losing his grandma while he was lying on the couch to the opposite side of me.  I listen to him tell the heart tugging story of his Grandma’s last days.  This was a side of him I had not seen before.  I was engaged and it was precious.  Mike was usually Mr. Big Brain, quick wit, and text book bachelor.  To see the soft hearted side showed strength I had not seen.  He then began sharing about a new love in his life. I was glad he was on the couch because at that point I proceeded to tell him he needed to stay there, I only charged $125.00 for therapy sessions and he had some serious issues to work through.  This was getting quite eerie, Mike had vowed on more than one occasion that he was perfectly fine living the bachelor life and was quick to pun anything to do with love or marriage. He proceeded to explain how he had met a girl while a counselor at camp who had won his heart.  They eventually broke up.  He was hurt but went on, and lost track of her over the course of many years.  Recently in a conversation with some mutual friends decided to find her again.  Long story short many conversations, texts, and the convenient correspondence of computer technology has rekindled this love.  It was such a blessing to see him full of life, feeling, emotion, and an open heart to share his grief and joy.  But boy things were messed up, this isn’t the way we normally do things!

As the dinner came to a close, my sister and her family arrived, and my mother announced her predictable “I want everyone to share what they are thankful for time.”  We gathered in the “Fireplace Room”, and after a little normalcy of complete sarcasm and joking we complied with mom’s wishes and started around the circle listing our reasons of thanks for the year.  There were the expected thanks of family, friends, country, God, and possession, but there were also some special thanks that stuck out of the norm.  First, the unpredicted shared tears of my “bonus” sister, Mindy, grateful for being able to have special memories of her Grandmother.  Seeing this woman shed a tear in our family circle was completely breaking tradition.  Mindy is the laugh-a-minute, pun for everything, lets keep conversation light type of personality.  All I can say is how brave and how thankful I am that she felt safe to share her tears with her family.  Mike also shared the new love in his life and said that we would all soon meet her (just to give you an idea of the possibility of the seriousness of the situation!)  How impressive that love can allow such risk, and especially risk meeting our family!  The echoed thankful issue this year was without question my brother-in-law, Todd’s decision to accept Christ as Savior and all the peaceful and positive changes that has brought to his life and his family, that yelling dad is gone and he is a new man still with flaws but now melted and moldable.  My sister Lori also shared from her heart with a few tears while snuggled up comfortably on the couch with her husband.  The grandkids who are growing and maturing each said their thankful lists and looked on with wide eyes as they saw the adults share open and honestly as never before.  Mike, the boy’s dad who I have been separated from for almost two years was also in attendance and was thankful for grace to even be in the room.  It was a noted area of thanks that mom was relaxed and enjoying herself as well.

Amidst all of the heart confessions of gratefulness, I noticed my brother in-law repeatedly looking above my head with a strange look on his face.  Just as a family member is preparing to pour out their heart the moment takes a Chevy Chase, Christmas Vacation turn as Todd belts out “BAT!!!” and half the family runs out of the room screaming and screeching,  gathering in the bathroom together for safety while the “macho” family members go into rescue mode to catch the bat perched on the ceiling of the family room.  I cannot tell you the details of how the bat was captured, you see I was one of the family members huddled together for safety in the bathroom.  But the bat was caught and to put all the animal rescue readers at ease was safely let go out the sliding glass door.  Yet, another plan of surprise and comedy within our newly painted canvas of holiday celebrating amoungst family that we will remember and laugh about for years to come!

There were some that were missing this year Aunt Cindy was at home baking a Thanksgiving meal for her family.  She just became a grandma and the thing I have to tell you about Aunt Cindy although a little scatter brain, has a heart of gold and is caring to the core.  She and her husband are head over heels in love with their new granddaughter!

Aunt Becky the arrive-late & leave- early member, hosted Thanksgiving for her in-laws at her home this year.  She had e-mailed me about her apprehensions of hosting at her home.  How valuable to share your hear t and prayer needs with family.  But you must know my aunt Becky is a gifted hostess and magnificent cook who just lacks a little confidence at times.

My brother Josh did slip out early and we missed his presence during the circle of thanks, but mom did not cry tears.  Not out of coldness but simply knowing he is a grown man and God is big enough to hold him even still.

There were many changes and pleasant surprises at our family Thanksgiving this year, right down to grandma getting down with her grandsons while singing Rock Band on the X-Box 360! Some were different and evident changes others were a new view in my own heart and a better vision to see my family for who they are.  My family is an eclectic patchwork of many colorful patterned lives.  Our lives have been stitched together for this time with purpose and reason and in our own findings amongst the shattered modern day Norman Rockwell masterpiece we are beginning to learn to accept and love each other where we are.  I can honestly say I wouldn’t trade my family for anything!  Our Creator’s plan of surprise gives pressure free hope to our Hallmark card achieving but never attaining world, not to mention noticeable freedom for the quiet reserved oldest child drinking apricot brandy and being a little boisterous!  Can’t wait ‘til Christmas!

You Must Suffer to Be Beautiful

"You Must Suffer to Be Beautiful"

I remember this phrase said over to me by my mother and grandmother as a little girl on many occasions.  Usually it would be the early mornings before school as my mom would comb the tangles that had gathered in my hair from the tossing and turning of the night before.  She would get out the comb and the “No More Tangles” spray and begin the long and grueling process that I hated.  Many occasions I would end up in tears as she combed and sprayed. Eventually the tangles were removed and then she would french braid my hair, tightly weaving my wet locks together to form one or two beautiful braids along my scalp and falling down my back.  The end result was beautiful.  I usually received many compliments on my varied “Pocahontas” hairstyles.  My girlfriends from school would often times come over early so they could have my mom braid their hair everyone liked it so much.  Yes, the end result was beautiful but the process seemed torturous, I may still need therapy to work through the undealt issues of the hair tangle pain someday!

More recently, in fact just yesterday, I was walking through the hallway of the hospital attached to my workplace.  I had chosen to wear my black leather tall boots that day, which have a generous heel on them. My job requires me to be on my feet the majority of the day but for some reason it is extremely difficult for me to wear flat “comfy” shoes.  It could be because I am just a little over five feet tall and feel more confident with the extra boost of height my heeled shoes bring.  Or perhaps it’s the fact that I will feel as if I am giving into the aging process should I “cave” and create a wardrobe of “comfort shoes” for my feet.  But one reason I am sure of I just plain like the fancy little heeled shoes I wear most days.  I am a girly girl and a little pain is worth the pretty.  So as I walked down the hall I crossed paths with a hospital employee.  We exchanged friendly hellos and she said “Joy, how can you wear those heels all day in your job?”  I smiled and said “I think it’s the insanity factor in me.”  And then added, “As my mother always said you have to suffer to be beautiful.”  As I spoke those words about the shallow shoe issue in my life it completely took me back to the early mornings of sitting in the bathroom with my mom while my French braids were created, but as I heard myself speak those words that I had associated with outer beauty, God began to speak to my heart and teach me more about that little phrase.

I Peter 5:10 states, “And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast. To him be the power forever and ever.” 

So this verse is God’s description of that little phrase I heard over and over as a child, “You must suffer to be beautiful.”  I associated the suffering so much with outer beauty, such as uncomfortable clothing, pulling my unaligned eyebrows out with a tweezers, vigorous exercise, obtaining from certain foods so as to keep myself thin, etc..  But over the more recent years I have felt a suffering within due to emotional and spiritual pain caused by living through a huge life trail of adultery in my marriage which led to the uncovering of many deep hurts and personal issues being addressed in my life.  It has been nearly two years of what I would call suffering.  This time has made the tangled hair days seem like cake. The sweet Creator of my days has graciously taken out his fine toothed comb and began to untangle the dysfunction in my life.  He has combed out my twisted thought patterns of negative thinking towards myself, misted my knotted up people pleasing behaviors with a shot of his clear vision of truth, he has meticulously gone over my matted idea of my worth with his sheer voice of truth speaking love over me.  He has examined my heart and tugged away at my snarled attitude of distrust towards him, lovingly explained to me that my tousled idea of his love was incorrect and was not just for the rest of the world it was for me, just as I am or was, tangled, twisted, snarled, tousled, and matted up.  What I learned in that untangling, suffering processing with God I would not trade for anything.  The pain of that uncomfortable time has been worth it all due to the beautiful truths I have found to display in my heart.  The tousled thinking, attitudes, and behaviors have been combed through and now I have orderly, shining, tightly woven spiritual truth tools that I can use in my life.  The rewards of confidence, self worth, acceptance of life as it is, the ability to believe that God’s love is for me, the conquering of so many lies and turning them over to truth has produced strands that have been creatively weaved into a healthy way to live.

I have suffered for a while.  We each suffer at times in our lives but what will we do with the suffering.  Well as they say we all have choices.  We do have a choice regarding what we will do with the suffering in our lives.  Will we allow it to over take us and live a defeated life, believing all the devastation was our fault and their is nothing we can do about it?  Let the root of bitterness and unforgiveness take root within our lives and cause us to live with a scarcity mentality and steal our energy?  Become angry to the unfairness of it all or angry at ourselves for getting so deep into the situation in the first place?  Will we live in a state of denial with a plastic smile staying busy, too busy, so the pain can remain at a distance? Choose to feed our pain with a comforting addiction, you name it, money sex, food, alcohol, drugs, gossip, etc…We have the choice to allow the suffering to keep our lives in a tangled state.  But we have other choices as well.  We have the choice to face the suffering. To take it in feel the pain, cry the tears, and grieve the loss.  We have the choice to confess the sin, process the hurt, dysfunction, and tragedy while allowing a steady trickle of truth and healing to invade and bring the antibodies to fight the sickness that caused suffering to come.  We have the choice to forgive, yes even forgive ourselves; we have the choice to learn new ways of thinking, new ways of believing, and new ways of coping.  We have the choice to run to a loving Savior or run away. 

But if we must suffer and it is for a reason, the reason of beautiful, I choose to believe it is not in vain.  I choose to believe the rest of the promise of I Peter 5:10 that states after the suffering “He Himself will restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast.”  I choose to believe that the Creator of the universe who is not bound by time, sin, or space, who is magnificently big and powerful and yet is intimately concerned with my personal life issues, he, himself is making me strong, firm, and steadfast.  I choose to believe that he is completing a restoration process in me, his creation, working hard and refining me, sanctifying me. His fine artistry and craftsmanship are restoring me back to the original state he created humans in; perfect and in His image.

During my suffering state I cried out to friends, family, and God, “Show me someone who is making it!  Show me someone who has been through this tragedy and made it.”  As I write those words my spirit can still sense the deep pain and emotion associated with those statements.  Just yesterday as that phrase ran through my mind God gently spoke to my spirit “You, you are making it. Your friends, your family, divorced, married, or single, they are each making it.  Your journey is yours it is individual, it will not look exactly like someone else’s this is your journey and you child are making it.” I smiled and felt strength in my heart, as I firmly believed the truth spoken in my soul and experienced freedom once again.  The steadfastness of processing pain is beautiful, and I joyfully pranced through the rest of my day in my high heeled shoes.

Romans 8:18 - “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing the glory that will be revealed in us.” (All suffering will one day end for the soul who chooses Christ.  That is the hope that we hold amidst the suffering.)

Come Into The Shack of My Heart

Come into the shack of my heart

I’ve walked this trail for oh so long

With what I had forever gone

Many there at my side

 No longer could I run and hide

The day came clearly into view

When I needed a critical rescue

 Because I had been living fake

 No longer could my weary soul take

 The vice that then was covered in layers

 Became naked one frightening day

The journey took from that place

 I would not have wished on a human soul

The aches

 The burns

 The wounds

That would only grow

Dearer as the days drug on

Winter seemed to have no end

The cold and darkness was all around

Precious friends stayed closely by my side

And breathed hope into my fragile broken state

 As I laid paralyzed

They could only wait 

They held my hand

And shed the tears

Prayed the prayers

 And calmed my fears

Encouraged and showed faith strong

Were the ones who helped me carry on

 Jesus with skin on

Stood in the gap and didn’t flinch

Although there were times I’m sure they wanted to say

 Come on girl and get on your way

 But they remained faithful and true

I believe those women are God’s chosen few

To help this lifeless shell of a woman live through

The time of her own great sadness

And as one said time would tell

And what a tale it tells

The lessons learns while in the madness

The chaos in the soul can bring

The broken girl into her dream

The girl who lay exposed and bleeding one dark day

Was never let go

By her Great God

Her Beautiful Papa

Her Daddy

Her Prince

Her Forever Hero

The one who penned her real life story

And wept with her when her heart was torn

He waited while his body ministered

And led His princess to her Savior

Waiting there in the wooded land

Up on the hill

At winters end

He made preparations in the shack

For his child to come home and unpack

All of the pent up broken dreams

Doubts

Abuse

Failures

Weariness

Tears

Unrest

Restless fears

Unmet desires

Addictions

Seductions

Her souls raging fire

Anger

Abandonment

Longing

And

Shame

She brought it all

Into her heart filled with pain

She walked the trail to the lonely shack

 Leaving her friends and not looking back

Knowing they had provided well

But she had to go

To be able to tell

Her one true Papa

Of the things still hurting

Hoping he would have the healing

The hill was steep and she thought of turning back

 Live in the comfort of what she knew

But it only left an empty view

Within her coming to life again heart

With her Papa she knew she could not part

So she kept putting one foot in front of the other

Though filled with doubt, fear, and exhaustion

She climbed the hill to completion

Walked on the front porch of her broken heart

Noticing the ever familiar sights, pangs, and echoes of life’s tragedy

But saw light shining through the window of her heart’s shack

She turned the knob and knew there was no going back

A welcoming sight of her Papa there

Who had been waiting patiently in his favorite chair

She put one foot inside the shack

Her Papa smiled

She could not bare

To tell him then while entering

All the wounds collected on the sadness journey

Even though he already knew

He remained calm and patient

Time would undue

Contented just to have his princess there

While she took off her shoes

And sat next to his chair

She wondered if this was just a dream

Would she wake up

And have it all seem

Just her imagination and creative soul

Concocting the meeting in the shack

But either way she took it all in

Let it be what it was

And left the rest up to Him

He did not probe or prod question

Just welcomed her and made connection

He met her in the shack that day

Just as she was

No longer a delay

No more division

In her confused soul

No more of life that took a toll

Just the Princess and Papa

In the warm house of her heart

Not feeling like an apology for the dust and grime

The cob webs, chipped paint, or drafty windows

The shown decay of time

Its Ok Papa knows

And understands the princess decrepit heart

That’s why he came

That where they will start

The restoration of his girl

The shack too

Will be brand new

He makes just one request

To his broken Princess

Trust me here while in the shack

She replies OK Papa

And crawls in His lap

She curls up snuggly in his arms

And cries sweet tears that have been saved

For oh too long

They sting the numbed up pain

He gently rocks her back and forth

As the tears come from her deepest parts

The ache she thinks may truly overcome her

He strokes her hair and reassures her Daddy’s here

Gives her permission to come undone

As he shows her the nail scars of his Son

She traces the scar on his hand with her finger

Healing comes and begins to linger

Passionately bringing to the forefront of her soul

Emotions that she wanted no one to know

The dam in her heart begins to break

Tears flowing now unable to fake

From places that had been locked up tight

Forever hidden and out of sight

It’s open now

Papa says child I’m holding you with all my might

Just let it be all that it is

The past

The present

The future

Here

It’s all alive and part of you

Don’t hold back child this will make you true

To be the dancing little girl again

The grown up woman

And at life’s end

The mature and finished masterpiece

It’s all alive

It’s who you were and who you are

And all you will ever be

You’re stepping into more of it each moment you breathe

And that means stepping into more of Me

And ever closer to eternity

Where one day you will fully see

It will hurt now

But not forever

The Shack is the healing place

Though you once avoided it with all your might

Because it only brought you grief and fright

It was the place of tragedy

Stay her child

In the once feared shack

It will soon be

The place where my broken girl is finally set free

Free to live

And laugh

And love

You’ll be given insight straight from heaven above

As my Spirit that lives inside of you

Will minister healing through and through

But now another question child

He looked at me gently with a smile

To live beyond survivor’s mode

You must give up your rights and no longer hold

Your grasp to all your reason

The tangible

The predictable

The justification season

And trust that your deepest desires

Cannot be met

From reaching out

With your own hand

And building your life castle in your own sand

But child look into all that I am

I am the one who holds the plan

For your provision

Your dreams

And a life long lover

Look to me and not another

So child I say

Do you give up

Your right for independence?

The words he spoke to me while holding me in his lap

Brought the oh too familiar sting

Of the harsh life I came to bring

To him

At the meeting in the shack

I wanted to fight

I wanted to scream

I want to deny

And forget the whole thing

And run I did out the front door of my heart

Looking outside it was dreary and dark

I didn’t care just ran and ran

And looked for someone to hold my hand

I found my shredded up princess clothes

On the lonely road I chose to go

I put them on and covered and hid

I ran so far

So fast

So long

My heart of love became distant and felt completely gone

I felt my way through darkest days

Of my own choosing

Thinking I was only losing

Papa’s favor and love

I longed to have

But what I learned only made me sad

Papa never went away

He stayed and waited

While I caused my own delay

He continued to be the limitless one

Teaching me through the darkest days

Of a Papa’s never ending loving ways

I was the only one

Who caused limits of my friendship with His Son

I wanted to cower

To hang my head low

And not look him in the eye for a fear he would know

And I would be rejected again

But he continually told me

No it’s not like that

You come to me child and do not hold back

The things in your heart that I already see the words left unspoken

The destruction that leaves you repeatedly broken

Say it

Shout it

Scream it

Cry it

But child when you only deny it

You cannot see your life’s true process

That all of this mess is beauty to me

A colorful garden

I want you to see

So look child come back to the shack

I want to take you outside

And let you view

The back yard

Where your chaotic being

Is painted as a garden full of flowers and weeds

The spirit is pruning it regularly

Cutting down branches and prying away vines

Long over grown and drowning out life

Of the beautiful flower beds in your heart

Their growing their too but they need more space

This is where healing takes an aggressive pace

Ridding your soul of the brown dried up debris

The Son shines on new life giving peace

Blooms of hope and stems of new dreams

Buds of grace and vines of mercy

Creating and painting your true life story

The mess is not a bother to me but a time of hard work

Of growth

Of making new

All that I have created you

So I in the backyard of my heart shack

I gave up my right

But said please Papa hold my hand tight

When I want to let go again

And run and run to find an end

To the chaos of colliding sinful flesh

With Perfection’s Spirit

Speak to me loud Papa

So I can hear it

Papa smiled and gave me a wink

Then turned to the right and spoke a command

A horse came running up the back hill

I was shocked knowing not what to think

The white horse stood next to Papa

Papa hopped on the saddle

Then held out his hand

For me to get on

I jumped up with him on the horse

We rode and rode

Through the hilly course

Of wild flowers and tall grass

Cascading the hills on no trail or path

What a beautiful panoramic view

Breathtaking

Eye catching

With the gentle breeze blowing

The sun shining down as if the first day of spring

I felt such release that I began to sing

Softly in my soul a new song of Joy

It played through my head and all at once made so much sense

All the time I had been looking for this fulfillment

To be achieved

Through a man and a woman

Relationship

But there on the horse with my Papa that day

I learned that it was never to be that way

Although I long for human connection with a man

To be my lover and forever friend

The daring, romantic rescuer

The knight on a horse

Who battles my dragons and sets the damsel free

Can only be Papa in Jesus you see

What a revelation

What a fresh new way to live

To allow Papa to be the one who will give

Me the security of provision and protection

As we rode through the picturesque backdrop of my hearts shack

I began to smile and then laugh and laugh

A laugh of freedom and understanding

I held tightly to Papa my rescue and dream

And all at once my laughter stopped

As it began to all seem

To come down on me there as we rode through the hills

The complete tragedy that I had caused abuse

To many a man who had been in my life

Expecting them to hold the quality

Of Papa and be

Perfect and meet all my deepest princess needs

The demands I held and expectations I strove for

While in those relations were unfair and unattainable

Grief struck my heart and tears flowed once more

As we got off the horse and went through the back door

Into the shack once again

Papa looked on me and said

It’s over now

The time has come

For the grown up woman to face her one dread

I am here and will not leave

But to receive the purest healing and find relief

Let go of your shame that came with wrong perception

Its time for a paradigm shift to complete our connection

And dear child for you to ever be in relation

Again with a human man

And have it be all that in me it can

I grieved right there at Papa’s feet

I cried out loud

And said please forgive me

For judging you Papa as if you were not enough

While I told the whole world that I believed

I looked to others to make me feel safe

While you waited for me to receive

Your grace

He said it was forgiven long ago

But saying it there

Caused healing water of the Spirit to flow

Into the shack of my heart

Washing out the mire and muck

And replacing it with Papa’s beautiful art

Of the restoration tapestry hung upon the hearth of my heart

Life was being made new

Each and every part

The process though long

I realized then my life is just a it should be

Each and every day that I lived

While striving for perfection, for pleasing others, and favor with God

I gave all I could give and it was enough

There would be more and the layers are thick

But with Papa and healing time is not measured

He is happy to be with you; he’s whole and complete

Just watching his princess grow up and find more release

Of herself to him and unity

He’s not concerned that I fall desperately short

But invites me just as I am

And continues to sort

Through all the choices of independence from him has brought

And leads me to truth that I continually sought

Untangles the religious bondage taught

And gives fresh thinking and belief to my mind

A new way to live

It makes life fine

Even with chaos, destruction, and sin all around

He uses it all for life in him to truly be found

Standing at the back door just Papa and Me

He takes me back to the garden

In the backyard

There on the lawn I see

A box

Beautifully carved with life’s memories

Looking at them carved on the box was bittersweet

He says you know what to do child

To be completely set fee

Without any words

I fell to my knees

And first said it softly

I forgive me

Then it grew in my heart

And burst forth from my lips

I FORGIVE ME
IFORGIVE ME
I FORGIVE ME

I laid down my burdens

In the beautifully carved box

Then set it there in the hole dug in the ground

Papa covered it well with the fertile soil

And just as he patted the last of the loose earth

There where my burden was buried

Came new life and rebirth

A tree in front of my eye’s sprung up

It’s the tree of life child Papa joyfully said

You can walk from your time of great sadness and sorrows

And into hope-filled new life tommorrows

Right then and right there I took a deep breath

It was gone the sadness that I thought was honoring to keep

The sorrow that I felt was necessary to live in

Had lifted

Had left me

No longer my best friend

Winter after all does have an end

Spring is here

New life has begun

My time for singing has finally come

I hugged Papa with all of my being

And said I love you

And he whispered it back to me

Life was complete in the garden that day

I finally had found freedom in Papa was the only way

Then he held my face in his hands

Wiped my tears of Joy softly off of my cheeks

And said child

Your friends and family are waiting for you

I will never leave

Now your life is anew

Go back to them

Tell them

Your healing story

I’ll be close to you always

I’ll be here in your heart’s home

You’re always welcome and I’ll leave the light on

And Princess remember the old shack that once stood here

It left with the sadness as well

I looked around in the shack of my heart

It was fully restored each room; each part

Beautifully decorated

Tastefully furnished

I wanted to invite all of my loved ones here

Into the cottage refurbished in Papa’s love

Painted in hues from heaven above

He said child just be who you are in me

They will see the transformation

And the beautiful hues

Because freedom has come to you

He kissed me gently on my forehead

 I looked into his eternal eyes

There were no tears or sad good-byes

He was not leaving nor was I

But home I went down from the trail of the shack

Life was waiting

And I was joyfully anticipating

All that would come; the good and the bad

Through life lived after our time in the shack

1/13/09

Joy M. Foose