Pardon Me Boys....

My oldest son called me recently saying, “Mom I had the worst dream. It was about you.  I don’t even want to say it.”  My reaction was “Out with it son!”  He proceeded say was stating his case with me on why violence isn’t always bad.  In the dream he said, “If someone came to our house to harm my brothers, I would do whatever it took to protect them.” As he was talking he eventually realized that I had left the room; no longer listening. He went outside to find me, yet I continued to be shut down in listening to his point.  As frustration overtook him he ran into the bathroom, locked the door, and worked to regain his composure.  Eventually he came out; stood at the chair I was now sitting in, and passionately attempted to persuade me to listen. With his best effort failing to my unlistening ears, I stood up and in a loud whisper, nose to nose said to him, “SHHHH you’re going to wake the baby!”

I usually don’t give much thought to dreams. Not a big believer that they are a message or have underlying meaning, but this one’s timing and content was clearly striking a cord on many levels.  Some of it was personal that my son and I discussed and worked through.  At the time I thought that was it. But as I continued to pray and think over the next few days, the Lord began to speak to me on a larger level.

I hate violence.  Duck to confrontation at all costs. Despise shooting games.  Am repulsed at most movies and TV shows because of the violence, fighting, shooting…. I detest disorder and disagreements.

From the time my boys were little I have struggled to even play with them.  I would sit down to “play” dinosaurs. My son would begin attacking my dinosaur, make loud roaring sounds and knock my dinosaur straight to the ground with great joy.  I would panic inside thinking “How have I failed so miserably as a mother?” Immediately in a super cheery voice, I would coax my son to have all the dinosaurs “be friends.”  “Let’s give them nice names. “ (Names that you might give to the family pet, I.E. Lucky, Max, Cupcake.)  I would turn playing into a math game and give instructions to sort the dinosaurs only to have the little groups of dinosaurs get mutilated once again by the ferocious T-Rex.  I would say, “Let’s line all the dinosaurs up and count them!” This took a while (there were a lot) so it bought me some serious moments of calm and order in our play. Yet, when the dinosaurs were all lined up at attention, you guessed it; each innocent dinosaur became annihilated by the almighty T-Rex.  I eventually gave up playing dinosaurs with my first born.

 When my second son came along it was cars.  He could figure unlimited scenarios to crash matchbox cars. Off his bunk bed, from the top of the banister, running off the deck, or crashing into each other. Each premeditated crash gave him a shrill of elation and joy.  Where was I going wrong?  Can’t the cars just be friends? For crying out loud there are innocent people in these cars.  Be a safe driver.  Buckle up.  Obey the rules.  Drive safely. Each attempt of mentoring my middle son to play nice with the cars ended in an epic fail.  Eventually I stopped trying to play cars; the barrier was too much, I could not figure out this twisted form of play.

This was not the end; my third son was born with the same condition.   All day long he would talk about horses, play with horses, or pretend to be a horse.  I was beginning to see the pattern, although not quite as violent and barbaric as the previous two males I bore, the horses constantly raced with conquering and wild passion to beat the other weaker horses, and yes no matter what I did to have mannerly horses in my home, they fought, they bucked, they whinnied in anger at the other horses trying to conquer one another day in and day out on the floor of my living room. 

Fast forward, I am now the parent of young adult, teenage, and preteen boys.  This violent passion to conquer, defeat, and battle, no matter how forceful and insistent I have been to domesticate them is still alive and very well. Now they get their adrenaline rush by racing four wheelers, doing stunts off the back of a boat, or speeding through drifts of snow on a snowmobile. Entertainment is a movie or show on TV where their eyes view constant action, destruction, demolition.  I cannot contain this devoted passion to fight and battle within my sons.  They wrestle each other, challenge one another, and flex their muscles in front of one another.  I am beginning to understand why.

There is a battle happening.

In our world violence is everywhere.  One cannot have a TV on and not see something or someone getting blown up, shot at, stalked, chased etc… The games that are available in our society are horrifically violent , needing to have a rating system due to their “mature” content.  But just like my son’s dream, I am now seeing that violence is not always bad.

Did you here that boys?

So pardon me boys for trying to domesticate you.  I was wrong.  Still, I cannot stand for you continually and habitually using the majority of your time and brain on a mindless games spending hours on end trying to win an epic battle on a screen with your thumbs.  I have to answer for each minute as a parent I allow you to sit on a comfortable couch while watching someone else in a pretend scenario conquer virtual evil through violent acts that Hollywood creates which reaps millions for them and gains nothing.  I will continue a zero tolerance policy for bullying anyone in our home or otherwise.  But go ahead and fight.  Get off the couch, put down the controller, stop targeting your brother and let’s zone in on the real battle.

Ephesians 6…says it better than I ever could…

“We are not waging war against enemies of flesh and blood alone.  No, this fight is against tyrants, against authorities, against the supernatural powers and demon princes that slither in the darkness of this world, and against wicked spiritual armies in the heavenly places.”

There is a battle going on.  And you as men were designed to fight in it.  Not with your thumbs, or in front of a screen, and not with your brother.  You were designed to fight with armor. The Armor of God protecting your heart, soul, mind, and all your strength as you live this life and conquer the darkness.  There is a battle here and now and I charge you to stand up and fight. 

You don’t have to play nice, be friends, or display manners when you fight this battle.  You can be barbaric, passionate, and relentless. Your battle is against the sin, and darkness of the fall, satanic forces trying to destroy God’s light in you and around you and to stop it from spreading to those who have not yet found the life changing message of Jesus Christ.

So my sons be violent, vigilant, daring, and relentless.  Zone in on your purpose.  You were made for more.  More than a virtual battle.  You were made to fight the battle here and now on your feet or on your knees; with your whole heart, soul, mind and strength.  Love Jesus and allow his son ship to flow into, around, and over you.  Believe He is for you and no one can be against you.  Boys you are on the side of victory. Fear nothing except an honor fear of a Holy God who is your full authority.  This life will become so much more as you arise and fight.

I see the passion in you, the sensitivity, the soul desires. I see the servant hood and selflessness in you the honoring of others especially women and children as you, like a fine warrior, love the poor, orphan and widow, honor  women as the beauty and treasure that they are to men on planet earth.  Use your intellect, your mind and understand. Fight with your wisdom and insight to defend the gospel message of your Lord Jesus, who not only rescued, but equips you with memory and insight and understanding.

You were made for this. As a mother I must instruct you. Do not fight unprepared.  Get ready. 

Go out with your swords, the sword of the spirit. Take the mighty word of God, pointed straight out in front of you as you run into the darkness, the corrupt, broken, chained, forgotten, and violent. 

Put on the helmet of salvation.  Allow your mind to be infiltrated with his truth about who you are; mighty man of God, no longer bowing to lies.  You were bought at a price; you are a free man by his blood and through his sacrifice. Yu are whole, healed, completely loved and deemed worthy just as you are.  Walk bravely forward. Do not cower in a corner expecting to someone else to go.

Put on the breast plate of righteousness. Become pure as you die to yourself, and the dripping temptations of the world.  That is not what you were made for. You were made to be sanctified; regenerated into the likeness of Jesus as you seek out his righteousness. This looks weak to the world. The world is lying to you. This is where you become strong. Shield your eyes my son from the soft porn that drips in front of wherever your eyes turn. Make a covenant with God to save your eyes and your body for the wife he has designed and prepared for you and then enjoy and indulge freely.

Go on this upward hill and look evil straight in the eyes. But first buckle around your waist the belt of truth.  This truth shines light on lies. Lies in you.  Lies that you will unveil in others.  Know that truth will completely set you free.  Jesus is truth and when you are free in Jesus you are free indeed.

Be intense.  Be intentional.  Do whatever it takes. Go wherever you must for the sake of His call on your life. But first my son, grab your shield of faith.  This battle will get long and you will become weary.  You will feel as if you are defeated at times,  there will be so many questions, there will be fiery darts from the side of evil continually shot at you to try and get you to surrender.  But you take up your shield of faith.  That we are sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.  Take up your shield and claim the faith as people are won by the Blood of the Lamb and the word of your testimony.

Go out my son and run valiantly into the darkness rescue women, orphans, the sick, the poor, the abused, the addicted, the unloved, the ones who have been tricked by the world. But don’t’ forget your shoes the shoes of peace which will protect you from becoming bitter, needlessly mad, and discontented.  The peace, His peace that surpasses understanding will guard your heart and your soul as you fulfill the kingdom agenda he has set before you.

And yes boys there is a winner.  Jesus has overcome.  We are on the side of victory.  You will defeat Satan. You will come to victory in heaven one day.  Where you will see fully what you can only see dimly now.  You will see the hungry feast at his table, you will witness him wipe away every tear, even your own. You will see death be swallowed up with life, His life. You will see no more night. No more darkness; the light of the Lamb will be our everlasting light. You will see Satan, his cheap and pitiful demons and those who unfortunately choose not to believe bow in regret and confess Jesus as Lord and forever separated from perfection and lasting life in heaven.  You will see the poor become rich as they come home to the mansions Jesus is preparing for his church right now.  You will see those who feel ugly, and unloved and unworthy be made into the beautiful bride of Christ pure and spotless as he returns for her.  You will see all of your fighting efforts come full circle. Son fight. 

Fight with the power of the Spirit, the same spirit that raised Jesus from the dead, in you. Fight and do not relent.  Even if you are the only one, even if you feel you are gaining no territory fight. The word says if you do not give up you will reap a harvest.  Fight and be the warrior you were created to be.  I will train you and then step out of the way and cheer for you from my princess heart.

Family Fights

There are so many books out there, numerous organizations and tons of information....outreach, missions, reaching the lost.  It seems everyone has an idea and so much of it is really good stuff. From the beginning of missions and the pioneers who began taking the gospel into the world to the most tech savvy ways of making Jesus known these days, it seems endless really...And so does the judgement.  The judgements of music being too mainstream, short term mission trips hurting rather than helping, long term grueling change of a paradigm in a Godless culture with not enough measurable results, and the list goes on.  I have personally been on the side of being judged by the specific passion God has placed on my heart for outreach and missions and sadly enough I have to be honest I have been the one judging on more than one occasion.  So what do we do with the family feuding and in cahoots with the right way to do missions?  Well the only thing that I know is to go to the source.

Philippians 3:15 says, "If on some point you think differently, that too God will make it clear to you."

Let's face it family. We think differently. A lot.  Most of the time.  But it doesn't have to become a division, judgement, or an excuse to allow pride in the form of guilt and shame to make us complacent or pride in the form of arrogance and control to perform mission and outreach on our own excluding others and for our own glory.  We can go to the Source. The Word of God and through prayer and the Holy Spirit have the revelation of clarity on this issue.

So I did that.

Here is what I found....

Romans 12:3-21
(The Message version..its a lot of verses but a direct hit on bringing clarity to this issue.)
³  Live in pure grace, it’s important that you not misinterpret yourselves as people who are bringing this goodness to God. No, God brings it all to you. The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him.
^4-6 In this way we are like the various parts of a human body. Each part gets its meaning from the body as a whole, not the other way around. The body we’re talking about is Christ’s body of chosen people. Each of us finds our meaning and function as a part of His body. But as a chopped-off finger or cut-off toe we wouldn’t amount to much, would we? So since we find ourselves fashioned into all these excellently formed and marvelously functioning parts in Christ’s body, let’s just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren’t.
^6-8 If you preach, just preach God’s Message, nothing else; if you help, just help, don’t take over; if you teach, stick to your teaching; if you give encouraging guidance, be careful that you don’t get bossy; if you’re put in charge, don’t manipulate; if you’re called to give aid to people in distress, keep your eyes open and be quick to respond; if you work with the disadvantaged, don’t let yourself get irritated with them or depressed by them. Keep a smile on your face.

^9-10 Love from the center of who you are; don’t fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.

^11-13 Don’t burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don’t quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality.
^14-16 Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath. Laugh with your happy friends when they’re happy; share tears when they’re down. Get along with each other; don’t be stuck-up. Make friends with nobodies; don’t be the great somebody.
^17-19 Don’t hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you’ve got it in you, get along with everybody. Don’t insist on getting even; that’s not for you to do. “I’ll do the judging,” says God. “I’ll take care of it.”
^20-21 Our Scriptures tell us that if you see your enemy hungry, go buy that person lunch, or if he’s thirsty, get him a drink. Your generosity will surprise him with goodness. Don’t let evil get the best of you; get the best of evil by doing good.

This pretty much sums it up and need I say much more? 
A) Focus on Jesus he is the message and the reason we go.   
B) The methods by which we do outreach, get the gospel to the ends of the earth, and provide for those in need could look a million different ways. 
C.) Do what you are called to do specifically-preach, teach, meet a need, invite, visit, encourage, empathize, give, go and don't compare yourself to any other brother or sister who is next to you doing the same thing differently or something completely different.

There is no utopia outcome that as Christians we are going to come to in missions and evangelism that will finally give a one easy universal process for missions and out reach that will fit every situation in every culture and generation. The methods are limitless yet the message of Jesus remains and fits every single time.

A missionary of the faith C.T. Studd, who not only fits his name well, but a personal hero of mine in the faith said it so well, " Remember the miller’s donkey. The miller, son, and donkey went to the market. The miller rode the donkey all the way and people exclaimed, “Cruel man, riding himself and making his son walk.” So he got down and his son rode; then people slanged, “What a lazy son for riding while poor old father walks.” Then both father and son rode, and people said, “Cruelty to animals, poor donkey.” So they got down and carried the donkey on a pole, but folks said, “Here are two asses carrying another ass.” Then all three walked and people said, “What fools to have a donkey and not ride it.” So let’s go ahead with our work for God and not care what folks say."

So brothers and sisters...church...body of Christ... take the famous slogan of the shoes you might be wearing right now and JUST DO IT! The dream, passion or calling you have in your life is there for a reason, to bring glory to your Maker and to hopefully win a few. So what if it doesn't look like so and so or measure up to anther's standards.  Live your life for an audience of one-The One- do not and I repeat do not stand still in fear and complacency or wallow in the feeling off worthlessness.  What do you fear more? The putting yourself out there in uncomfortable circumstances and sacrificing to bring Glory to Jesus and make him known? Or the fear of doing nothing and living frozen with a stalemate life that you will someday stand before God and regret not having rewards to lay at his feet? So do something and go anywhere as long as it's forward. 

And here is the thing.  We are all going to mess it up at times...we are going to hurt instead of help, we are going to miss opportunities, we are going to move to fast and we are going to move too slow.  The beautiful mess of  humans spreading the life giving message of Jesus Christ is that he really doesn't need us at all. He could do it infinitely better without our imperfect lives; yet out of his great love for us chooses to use us to be messengers of His truth by filling us with His Holy Spirit; the Same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead and in that we not only reach the lost but get to know the heart of our Savior and spend intimate time with him.

The complexity of the lost, poverty, and brokenness is an endless sea to look at alone. But if we all drop our small pebbles of faith and watch the ripple effect of deeds and actions by joining together with our giftings, personalities, and abilities could we dare see the gospel get to the ends of the earth in our generation?

He Dances To Elmo

We sat outside of the room in plastic blue chairs waiting to head into the classroom this evening. It was the usually familiar routine for parent teacher conferences. We flipped through a packet of notes and grades that had been given to us as we entered the sixth grade hallway. No surprises... predictable high marks in each subject from my brown eyed pre-adolescent... until we got to the page labeled Science. Coincidentally his lowest grade; a little below perfect but that wasn't what caught our eyes.  Hand written in black ink on the white sheet of computer generated points and percentages it read "Where did Trey learn to dance?" Before we had a chance to hear, the door opened and we moved from the blue plastic chairs in the hallway filled with waiting parents to the ones on the other side of the half-moon table opposite to Mrs. Bailey, the science teacher. 

She proceeded to tell us that she had just been talking about Trey and asked if his ears were itching. She then began to tell this story.

You see if you attend Mrs. Bailey's 6th grade science class there is sometimes a little extra time at the end of class before the bell rings.  In this particular period there is a very special boy named Hunter who battles autism.  He has a fixation with Elmo. So on those days where there is a little extra time Mrs. Bailey will pull up Elmo dancing on You Tube to bring comfort and enjoyment to Hunter's world.  And on those days when Mrs. Bailey plays Elmo dancing, Hunter stands up and dances along.  As you can imagine this could get way out of control in a room full of awkward middle schoolers trying to pull out of childhood and find their place in the world.  I can only imagine the mocks and jeers my sixth grade class would have displayed at the unusually awkward presence of the now uncool Elmo in the classroom, not to mention a peer standing up and dancing alone.  The boys would make jokes to seem cool to the girls and the girls would either politely laugh at the boys comments hoping for their attention or shyly ignore the situation as not to stand out. This is not the report that Mrs. Bailey gave on the account of what happens in her classroom.  She continued with a smile on her face to say that Trey and one other boy get up and dance with Hunter when she plays Elmo.  And when they dance, they dance with kindness to make him feel at ease, so he is not alone. She finished up by saying, "And I don't know who taught him to dance but boy does he have the moves!"

It was in those moments at hearing the act of my son dancing to Elmo that the importance for high grades diminished, yes education is important and necessary and it doesn't come that easy for everyone. It's great to strive for excellence and do your very best everyday, but of utmost importance over a 4.0 grade point average is the grade point of the heart and depth of character.

I gave Trey a clear look of approval for his actions as humility flooded my heart.  This is something I had not specifically taught my son.  This act of dancing to Elmo speaks beyond the action itself.  The Lord has given Trey the gift of evangelism and hospitality.  He draws people in with his excitement for life in most every situation, well except for maybe doing dishes or eating any meal other than sushi.  He is passionate about Jesus with his whole heart and his unashamed attitude for the gospel of Jesus Christ is contagious.  At a very young age he began witnessing to his friends about Jesus  and even lead a neighbor boy through a prayer of salvation around the age of five.  Every Wednesday night we cart a load of middle school boys to youth group and they don't just get some teaching from the word at Church they get it on the 30 minute drive there and a recap on the way home laced with insight, excitement, and enthusiasm.  I don't write these words to puff myself up as a parent like, "Look what I've done,"  but to tell you that when you put the Word of God in your kids hearts, God shows up and brings his Holy Spirit to make it alive.  It is there that your child will learn to come alive with his or her giftings and abilities and fulfill their life purpose in reaching the lost for Christ weather traveling oversees to minister to an unreached people group or dancing undignified to Elmo in a small sixth grade class room in the Midwest. I've missed many opportunities and failed miserably as a parent.  I've half listened and over reacted.  I've chickened out in my own opportunities to be undignified and "mad" for My King.  But the truth of Christ that has been read, taught, prayed for and hopefully displayed in my flawed life of grace outshines all of the mosiac fractured pieces of parenting he has experienced. Trey's life has not been a continual bed of roses walk with Jesus either. He has experienced deep brokenness at a very early age through the tragedy of divorce.  Out of his brokenness he has clung to a Savior that has given him His joy to be his strength, which it is quite a beautiful collision in my son; authentic and a necessary sustenance in his everyday life as he walks his hard road and journeys to heaven while being given the ability to do an undignified Elmo dance along the way!

In the bible, 2 Samuel 6, tells of a similar account in King David's life.  David dances unashamed and excitedly before the Lord as he takes the presence of the Lord by the Ark of the Covenant back to his people.  He is so enthusiastic in his worshipful dance that he literally "looses his pants" in front of everyone without realizing it.  When he approaches his disapproving wife he exclaims, "I will celebrate before the Lord.  I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes."

 May we each learn the lesson in doing whatever it takes to bring the light of Christ wherever we are.  Becoming undignified and unaware, removing presumptions, apprehensions, and comparisons in our worship of the Lord even if it means Dancing with Elmo!

A Broken Home

If there is one thing I will never get used to it’s the pain of watching my boys and my stepchildren live in a divorced family.  The Friday afternoon gut tug when they leave home for the weekend and the Sunday evening heartache when they have to say good bye to their dad again.  People say kids are resilient and they are. My kids have it good in so many ways, they have never wondered where their food was coming from.  They have A LOT of great people in their lives who love them so much.  They have had many opportunities that many kids don’t have to travel and try new things.  They are able to have a great education and access to healthcare.   They drink clean water every day in whatever flavor they would like. But still they ache. They share holidays.  They grieve a family they once had. I watch them ache and I try hard as I can with all my control freakishness inside me to play out a scenario that will escape my children from this ache. From this brokenness. And no matter what scenario I play out somebody loses and there is still ache.  I cry. Still. I get angry still and I go to God with my anger.  God I NEVER wanted life to be like this. This was never on my radar. I promised I would never allow my children to feel the hideous effects that divorce brings, God do you see this? God help. God can you understand? And As I wrestle and battle the turmoil inside. I hear it. Again. That small voice. Truth inside. The peace washes over me and I hear the God of the universe speak to my aching heart. “I know. I watch my kids, all my kids, on this planet from the beginning of time until now live in a broken home.  This world was not meant to be this way. Humans were not made for death and war and disease. They were made perfect and in my image. But my love allowed choice my love was not forced and they chose their own way. There was a great divorce. It happened in a Garden when man broke covenant with me. The whole earth aches because of that choice. Relationships suffer. Physical bodies suffer. I see the effects divorce has placed on my kids every day. But oh child do not lose heart because this world and this hurt is not the end. Divorce and a broken home is not where it ends. Redemption is here. Redemption is now. I made a way for my kids to be healed and whole and free and there will be a day when my kids will no longer live on this broken home called earth. I am preparing a place a place where there will be no more tears, no more pain, no more hurt, no more sorrow, no more death and my kids will live safe secure and free with me walking on streets of gold and living in mansions. I am preparing a wedding feast where the broken will be redeemed and there will be a wedding reconciling God and man into an eternal, never-ending unflawed perfectly bonded unity where worship praise and love of me will fulfill and restore man back to the way I perfectly created him in the first place. The sorrow I see in your heart and now on planet earth is only a portion of a very big picture. Hold on my child point your children to Me. Live in me.  Cling to me. Grow in me and allow my spirit to be the golden thread that binds you to continual truth as you live out your days in this broken home. Live them out well find purpose value and meaning. Keep your faith persevere do not quit you are headed home.”

My heart relents from my fighting stance, my circumstances, my children’s circumstances haven’t changed. But Home we are headed. 

Guide Me Home

We just traded vans. I seem to spend more time in my van than any other place it seems a lot of times these days.  Our new van came with this fancy navigation system, not something we needed or were looking for but the van was a great deal.  I am not a tech savvy kind of girl so it was super overwhelming to try and figure out how to use all the computer features but I am managing to figure out a few things. There is button on the navigation system labeled "Guide Me Home."  When I push this button it finds my current location and maps out the road home.When I am far from home and its been a long day I love to push the guide me home button its like a relief.  It also makes me think of life.  My life in Jesus.  And Salvation.  When I trusted Jesus as my Savior twenty two years ago it was like I found the "Guide Me Home" life button.  My life journey is on a navigation to my true home and eternal destination of heaven. To live with Jesus forever.  This life is temporary.  I am just traveling through and the traveling can bring so many unknowns.  I  need to be guided home because I have not walked this journey before especially now.  As I type I am sitting in the 6th floor of the University of Iowa Hospital while my son is having brain surgery.  I cannot imagine sitting here without the Guide Me Home of Jesus being on my life.  I sit and type while someone's hands are intricately performing microscopic movements to correct a herniation on his brain.  Days before these moments I could not imagine sitting here waiting in these hours.  But here it is and here I am and it is happening.  And I want you all to know when You choose the guide me home button of the life giving name of Jesus for the forgiveness of your sins and the eternal destination of heaven you get a map.  His Word. and it leads you.  I need to be lead right now.  Because as a mom I want to control all of this for my son and take his place and keep him from going through this trial but I can't. I don't have control.  I have limits.  And I need a map because my human emotions are doing 360's in this parking lot of life as I wait.  But the great thing is because of choosing the "Guide Me Home" destination with Jesus I get the map and by the Power of His Holy Spirit I can read it and it opens the path and clears the way, even in the 6th floor waiting room at the University of Iowa Hospital.  Today I read "His grace is sufficient for you, for his power is made perfect in weakness, therefore I will boast all the more about weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me That is why for Christ sake I delight in weaknesses in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak then I am strong."(II Corinthians) And this verse is truth for me right now. Anyone can argue that God is not real and Jesus wasn't the Savior. But not with me because this word of His that talks about his grace being sufficient is coming to life in me and my son and our family now.  We can't muster up this grace, we cannot create our own peace. It is being given to us in these moments as we need it. I couldn't picture doing this just days ago and now I realize I wasn't being given the grace days ago for these moments now.  The grace is given as needed and its sufficient and my weakness is real just as real as the perfect power of Jesus.

I would dare anyone to test this grace for themselves. Try Jesus and choose the "Guide Me Home" button for your life.  Your life will not magically become easy.  You will hit traffic jams, road blocks and detours.  You will question at times if you are going the right way.  You may have to stop and wait.  But with Jesus as the navigator of your heart and the map of His word to follow you will live with an unending hope an undeniable peace. And you will live out your days on your journey with purpose and meaning as your are Guided Home.

Raw Thoughts From the Unknown

I sit hear staring at the keys on my laptop wondering if I am willing to battle this one out. So much is stirring inside..I've been waiting all week for the quiet hours of this morning.  No one is hear. Nothing has to be done.  No one needs me.  I don't have to be anywhere.  I savor this time. Especially today. Writing for me is sometimes the best therapy, it brings life to my soul and connects me even closer to God.

Monday was a day that turned our world upside down.  My middle son had an MRI- and a Cerebellar Tonsillar Herniation was found on his brain. So we are in the waiting room of life for 5 more days until we see a Pediatric Neurosurgeon in Iowa City.

I debate to share the following but decide to be vulnerable and if you should so choose to continue on while I emotionally vomit all over you the reader;...I guess I want to be vulnerable because we can use all the prayer we can get right now and I want Jesus to have all the glory for whatever happens in my sons future.

Lord Jesus every emotion has stirred in my heart...memories of this precious child pop up on my screen that have been unopened yet saved in my mama brain over the last 15+ years.  The what if and scenarios of how this will all play out constantly try to creep in and fill me with worry fear or even guilt of possibly overreacting to the whole thing, and yet life continues on.  So many people have been here in this waiting room of life before me.  I have read about them, on-line...in books...and magazines...seen their stories on documentaries and reality shows on TV..I know this happens but didn't think it would hit our world. this close.  But here we are.  A lot of the time when I am calmly talking to people about what is going on it's like an out of body experience or awkwardly enough talking about someone else.  But I'm not and I have yet to be out of my own skin so it sinks in and I get weepy usually when I am alone...Sometimes my mama bear kicks in and I just want control over this one and want to plead with God to switch places with my baby...but this is not the road that was chosen for me.  Sometimes I want to be factual and logical and educated on whats going on but that brings me to websites filled with the worst case scenario which leads me back to the weepy destination and yet the hours tick on ever so slowly of my usually flying too fast life..

God I don't know how to parent my child through this one, I don't think there are any how to manuals on this one..like, How to Have your Child Thrive with a Life Threatening Situation, The Happy Child in The Waiting Game, What to Expect when you Don't know What your Expecting, 5 Days to Overcoming Brain Hernaitions...Those books are not out there...Can you help me?

Lord I know he's scared yet his personality is such that I feel like a private investigator to uncover his feelings, can you help me?

Lord you know my passionate heart, crazy as it is, better than I do, it's my greatest strength and yet also my greatest weakness especially right now..I need steadiness, can you help me?

Lord Jesus, my boy, is hurting, he needs healing, Lord Jesus it's MY BOY...Can you help him?

Lord Jesus this is hard for everybody in our world, not knowing how to respond, some responses that cause hurt, can you help us?

And he does because even though there are not manuals and how to books written for this season of life there is one manual that is written once and for all. Right now it feels as though it was all written personally for us, my son, and me.  The promises in the Word of God are truly living and active and sharper than any double edged sword (Hebrews 4:12). They are literally sustaining my heart. Because in myself I want to be going crazing and acting irrational, and throwing a fit about all of this.  But it is there... consistent truth flowing down into my soul giving me strength for the moment.  Allowing me to lead my son and navigate is fragile heart through these days.

This is why I believe.  Because my life has had storms. A lot of storms. Whether a gentle rain or a complete Tsunami.  I have tried different "fixes" throughout my life when the forecast of life looks threatening and when the dark clouds roll in.  I have tried lots of self solutions, positive thinking, excessive exercise, excessive eating. I have tried casual sex, shopping sprees, alcohol.  I have tried putting on masks, religion, using other people.  I have tried throwing tantrums, throwing things and throwing in the towel.  Most brought instant comfort, and lasting guilt. Some brought good coping skills yet still unsurfaced fright.  The only thing that I have tried that has not ever failed my life is the life giving name of Jesus.

Jesus you are the one thing that has remained.  Unchanging, unwaivering, unmoving.  And now I hear you say...."Help is on the way."

To the extravagantly rich promises of your word I cling today...... 
 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

"He who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundations on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it because it was well built. But those who hear my words and do not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent truck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete." (Luke 6:47-49)

"Rejoice in the Lord. Always. I will say it again. Rejoice. Let gentleness be evident to all the Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:4-7)

"We have this treasure to show that this all surpassing greatness is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side but not crushed. perplexed but not in despair, persecuted but not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed. ...Therefore we do not lose heart though outwardly we are wasting away yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen but what is unseen for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal," (II Corinthians 4:7-18)
"God is our refuge and strength an ever present help in times of trouble.  Therefore we will not fear, though the earth gives way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, and the mountains quake with their surging. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God a Holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her. She will not fall. God will help her at day break." (Psalm 46)

"Praise the Lord O my soul; all my inmost being praise his holy name.  Forget not all his benefits--who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things." (Psalm 103)

And these promises are just the tip of the iceberg....Lord you are soo good.  I love you I love your word. Especially in the unknown.  

I hear your voice of truth speak out over the shouting of worry and fear and dread and doubt in my spirit.  

"Give your boy to me, for he has always been mine. Lay him in my arms. Carry him to my heart. Let the hands of the healer hold your son's head. Let me be his peace, his comfort his strong tower. Bring your son to me child and allow the wounds that I took for him heal him. This is a time for him to draw near to me and find out in his deep places who I am. I want him to know me and the Power of the resurrection in his life, for My Glory to be lived out with purpose in his days.  Child I know the plans I have for Collin Joshua Foose, plans to prosper him and not to harm him, plans to give him a hope and a good future.  Sweet child of mine who I have allowed for a time to be Collin's mother lay him down, he is truly Mine. I love him more than you can know; so much that I have counted every hair on his head and if you were to count the thoughts I have towards him they outnumber the grains of sand in the sea, I have his name written in the palm of my hand, like a tattoo, and his name sealed in the Lamb's Book of Life. Child your thoughts and ways are not my thoughts and ways but know that mine is best.  Rest in that. Resolve in the unchanging love that I have for this boy that you love and I will not ever let him go.  Lay him down child and give him to me. I am his Great Physician. I will skillfully work through those who you have yet to meet on this journey.  I am his Counselor.  I will breathe words of encouragement, support and love through you and others to him.  I love your son. I died for this. I didn't stay dead. I am alive and my spirit is now interceding for you in the royal throne room of heaven with utterings and words man cannot yet understand.  Heaven is on his side. On your side.  The enemy knows this He hates it, he will try to deceive, distract, and defeat you, it may feel like it at times but it cannot happen.  You are sealed with my promises. You are mine. Collin is mine. No one can snatch out of my hands.  Allow this time to be a time of waiting in Hope. Allow this season to strengthen you.  I am your healer and your deliverer. You child have been delivered. I and relentlessly for you and your son. I am jealous for him.  I desire him to be a mighty man of God. A fearless warrior for the things of eternity.  His life, his servant hood will be a tool for an awakening of souls. Do not fear. This child has purpose in my kingdom.  You see his affectionate way of selflessly serving, you see how I have created him to think quickly and lead, you see how I have created him with work ethic and high motivation, you see how I have created him with charm, charisma, and comedy...these traits I have created in him need to be molded and shaped to make him the man I have for him to be in my kingdom.  Give him to me Child I am his help, I am for him, and I have his best interest at heart"....

Jesus he is yours...He has never been fully mine.  Have and do your good will for this sweet boy that I love like only you can, Let him Know You and the Great power of his Great God this day and in the days to come...I will forever praise you for whatever that is...Thanks for making my mama heart so big and full for this kid. Thank you for every single minute you have allowed me to know this child even the ones where he has drove me crazy.  Thanks you for every minute yet to come...I love you Jesus you are enough today.  

ONE...ONE+ONE

I am one.
One person.
With one heartbeat.
I have one chance.
I made one choice.
A choice to have sex.  That one choice I made changed everything for my one life when I was 17. One heart began to beat apart from mine inside me. There was now one life inside my one life.

I learned in school that one plus one equals two early on.  I learned from my, outspoken say it like it is no matter who is in ear shot, grandfather that killing babies is wrong early on. "The women that do this have dreams of their dead babies crying and they are never the same," he would say . This was scary to me as a little girl and now these words haunted me week after week as the secret heartbeat inside of me continued to beat. I knew one in a one+one situation that had an abortion and so I mustered up one ounce of courage to ask that hideous question that kept playing like a broken recording my head. With love and respect I said, "Could you please tell me, is it true? Do you dream about your baby? Do you dream that it's crying?" She gave me one look I will never forget and simply said, "Yes don't do it." she knew I was no longer one but one+one.

I was still determinded to save face of my one little-miss-perfect-life that I thought I was fooling my family with. 

I made one appointment. 
Found one adult to consent.

I waited for the one day this one heartbeat would dissolve and my one life would return back to normal. But one thing happened. One morning before that one day I was anticipating, I was in the shower getting ready for school. I took one look down at my now belly with a bulge and while taking this one look down, I heard one voice inside my soul. "Are two wrongs going to make this right for you?" The equation took on a whole new meaning. I had made one decision to have sex outside of marriage as a young teen. I was about to make one more decision to end the the life of the child growing inside of me. I thought my equation of one minus one would equal one again. And in some ways I suppose you could argue that it would. But that other one would not just be erased. It would remain somewhere. If I have one of something and subtract it it does in fact equal one but it doesn't change the fact that there was once one more.  

The rest of the morning that phrase continually played in my head "Are two wrongs going to make this right for you?" I battled focusing on the morning lectures in class; each one sounded like the muffled teacher's voice off a Charlie Brown cartoon. My aching heart could no longer take another moment and in the middle of a psychology lecture I burst into tears and quickly made my way to the school counselor's office. 

That one office visit changed everything. I was now one blubbery bawling mess, spewing out 16 weeks of cooped up emotion. The sweet counselor who was more versed on dealing with career paths and college choices over bawling pregnant women rose to the occasion and patiently listened to my panicked heart. One phone call of dread was made to my mother and she was on her way. How was I going to explain this one that was no longer one but one+one?  

One conversation was had. To this day I cannot tell you how it went. It is one big blur. Except for one statement. A statement that my normally overly emotional and dramatic mother said without tears, anger, or panic. "This doesn't surprise me, I love you, we will get through this."  One phrase shed one little light onto the unlit path in front of my one+one life. 

One more crucial conversation still had to take place. Telling my grandparents. You remember the one out spoken, say-it-like-it-is no matter who is in earshot, not to mention doesn't say I love you and rarely-ever-hugged-you-in-your-whole-life grandfather? The one who had made harsh, but now I knew, true comments about effects of abortion on women. To say the least I was petrified. One Saturday they listened to my one+one equation confession thru sobbing and shaking. One long pause remained as I finished my words to them. My grandfather was the first one to speak in a tone of voice I had rarely heard from him. With divine compassion and mercy, as unnatural as it seemed, coming out of his mouth he said, " Your grandmother and I love you very much, we will support you...and he placed his hand on my shoulder and began to pray for me+one little one.  One more blessing from my mess, I knew my grandfather loved me yes by the words that came out of his mouth but more by the action of it displayed that one Saturday morning.  

In 13 days we will celebrate one life. On October 26, 2012 my son, Logan Michael Foose, will have his 20th birthday. So much has happened since that Saturday morning conversation. Most of it has been very difficult. Some of it has been incredibly wonderful. 

My teenage life came to a screeching halt three years early.  I was immersed into adoption counseling, doctor visits, birthing classes, summer school to be flexible to still graduate on time, filling out forms for medical aid, living in a small town and going to a small church where stares were a given and gossip was rampant.   All when one is normally immersed in career counseling,  college visits, college prep classes, summer jobs, filling out forms for financial aid, and small town gossip about the latest crushes. 

The last 20 years and nine months have been filled with struggle.  I will not paint a fairytale picture of my one story.  It was hard.  I will never forget the day my mom and grandma picked Logan and I up from the hospital to take us home.  We settled in. I laid Logan in his borrowed bassinet.  My mom said, "Grandma and I are going out to run some errands."  I shockingly said to her, "You're leaving me?" And they left. 

The reality of being responsible for another human being overwhelmed my naive young soul.  It was as close as I've felt to having an out of body experience, standing over his bassinet and looking at his swaddled little being peacefully sleeping as I thought, this can't be real. Even still, I declared that morning to take this mama thing seriously even though I knew nothing about it. 

The beauty and honor of knowing my son and being his mom was and is worth every second of doing countless hard things.  I look back with no regret.  Logan's life has taught me more than I could have ever possibly taught him. I think about what would life be like if if my one story had turned out another way and I can't even process it without being overcome with an aching emptiness of grief. 

I am one.
One person.
With one heartbeat.
I have one chance.
I am making one choice.

A choice to tell my one story.  Not because I am a great person and I think you should sing my praises. Not because I want to bash someone who had a life end in abortion. Simply because, every time I have shared my one story, there is always another one. Another story. Different from mine yet with striking similarities. 

Sometimes its a story that has been kept a secret for decades.  Sometimes it is a story that has kept a life captive in guilt and shame and fear and condemnation. Sometimes its a hideous story with heartbreaking lines that has an ending of forgiveness, processed grief and now a passion to share.  Sometimes it's a story of one+one that considered one-one but didn't which resulted in life. Whatever one story it is, it needs to be told.  If you have not personally walked down the road labeled choice to the destination or near destination of abortion you have most likely been closely related with someone who has.

This is my plea to you.
Share your one story. In person, in your own handwriting, on social media, in your home, in your circle of friends, at your church, through your e-mail, post a picture, on a video, etc...

Uncover the lie of the holocaust happening at a rate of 3,700 per day on the children of our own people, in our country.  This is not a political, spiritual or scientific plea.  This is a plea to shine an illuminating light on a lie so that a freeing truth may come to one who is facing a one+one equation right now.

You are one.
One person.
With one heartbeat.
You have one chance.
You can make one choice.
Will you?

ONE+ONE