We just traded vans. I seem to spend more time in my van than any other place it seems a lot of times these days. Our new van came with this fancy navigation system, not something we needed or were looking for but the van was a great deal. I am not a tech savvy kind of girl so it was super overwhelming to try and figure out how to use all the computer features but I am managing to figure out a few things. There is button on the navigation system labeled "Guide Me Home." When I push this button it finds my current location and maps out the road home.When I am far from home and its been a long day I love to push the guide me home button its like a relief. It also makes me think of life. My life in Jesus. And Salvation. When I trusted Jesus as my Savior twenty two years ago it was like I found the "Guide Me Home" life button. My life journey is on a navigation to my true home and eternal destination of heaven. To live with Jesus forever. This life is temporary. I am just traveling through and the traveling can bring so many unknowns. I need to be guided home because I have not walked this journey before especially now. As I type I am sitting in the 6th floor of the University of Iowa Hospital while my son is having brain surgery. I cannot imagine sitting here without the Guide Me Home of Jesus being on my life. I sit and type while someone's hands are intricately performing microscopic movements to correct a herniation on his brain. Days before these moments I could not imagine sitting here waiting in these hours. But here it is and here I am and it is happening. And I want you all to know when You choose the guide me home button of the life giving name of Jesus for the forgiveness of your sins and the eternal destination of heaven you get a map. His Word. and it leads you. I need to be lead right now. Because as a mom I want to control all of this for my son and take his place and keep him from going through this trial but I can't. I don't have control. I have limits. And I need a map because my human emotions are doing 360's in this parking lot of life as I wait. But the great thing is because of choosing the "Guide Me Home" destination with Jesus I get the map and by the Power of His Holy Spirit I can read it and it opens the path and clears the way, even in the 6th floor waiting room at the University of Iowa Hospital. Today I read "His grace is sufficient for you, for his power is made perfect in weakness, therefore I will boast all the more about weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me That is why for Christ sake I delight in weaknesses in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak then I am strong."(II Corinthians) And this verse is truth for me right now. Anyone can argue that God is not real and Jesus wasn't the Savior. But not with me because this word of His that talks about his grace being sufficient is coming to life in me and my son and our family now. We can't muster up this grace, we cannot create our own peace. It is being given to us in these moments as we need it. I couldn't picture doing this just days ago and now I realize I wasn't being given the grace days ago for these moments now. The grace is given as needed and its sufficient and my weakness is real just as real as the perfect power of Jesus.
I would dare anyone to test this grace for themselves. Try Jesus and choose the "Guide Me Home" button for your life. Your life will not magically become easy. You will hit traffic jams, road blocks and detours. You will question at times if you are going the right way. You may have to stop and wait. But with Jesus as the navigator of your heart and the map of His word to follow you will live with an unending hope an undeniable peace. And you will live out your days on your journey with purpose and meaning as your are Guided Home.
Thoughts & Confessions of a Daddy's Girl
Monday, December 17, 2012
Friday, November 2, 2012
Raw Thoughts From the Unknown
I sit hear staring at the keys on my laptop wondering if I am willing to battle this one out. So much is stirring inside..I've been waiting all week for the quiet hours of this morning. No one is hear. Nothing has to be done. No one needs me. I don't have to be anywhere. I savor this time. Especially today. Writing for me is sometimes the best therapy, it brings life to my soul and connects me even closer to God.
Monday was a day that turned our world upside down. My middle son had an MRI- and a Cerebellar Tonsillar Herniation was found on his brain. So we are in the waiting room of life for 5 more days until we see a Pediatric Neurosurgeon in Iowa City.
I debate to share the following but decide to be vulnerable and if you should so choose to continue on while I emotionally vomit all over you the reader;...I guess I want to be vulnerable because we can use all the prayer we can get right now and I want Jesus to have all the glory for whatever happens in my sons future.
Lord Jesus every emotion has stirred in my heart...memories of this precious child pop up on my screen that have been unopened yet saved in my mama brain over the last 15+ years. The what if and scenarios of how this will all play out constantly try to creep in and fill me with worry fear or even guilt of possibly overreacting to the whole thing, and yet life continues on. So many people have been here in this waiting room of life before me. I have read about them, on-line...in books...and magazines...seen their stories on documentaries and reality shows on TV..I know this happens but didn't think it would hit our world. this close. But here we are. A lot of the time when I am calmly talking to people about what is going on it's like an out of body experience or awkwardly enough talking about someone else. But I'm not and I have yet to be out of my own skin so it sinks in and I get weepy usually when I am alone...Sometimes my mama bear kicks in and I just want control over this one and want to plead with God to switch places with my baby...but this is not the road that was chosen for me. Sometimes I want to be factual and logical and educated on whats going on but that brings me to websites filled with the worst case scenario which leads me back to the weepy destination and yet the hours tick on ever so slowly of my usually flying too fast life..
God I don't know how to parent my child through this one, I don't think there are any how to manuals on this one..like, How to Have your Child Thrive with a Life Threatening Situation, The Happy Child in The Waiting Game, What to Expect when you Don't know What your Expecting, 5 Days to Overcoming Brain Hernaitions...Those books are not out there...Can you help me?
Lord I know he's scared yet his personality is such that I feel like a private investigator to uncover his feelings, can you help me?
Lord you know my passionate heart, crazy as it is, better than I do, it's my greatest strength and yet also my greatest weakness especially right now..I need steadiness, can you help me?
Lord Jesus, my boy, is hurting, he needs healing, Lord Jesus it's MY BOY...Can you help him?
Lord Jesus this is hard for everybody in our world, not knowing how to respond, some responses that cause hurt, can you help us?
And he does because even though there are not manuals and how to books written for this season of life there is one manual that is written once and for all. Right now it feels as though it was all written personally for us, my son, and me. The promises in the Word of God are truly living and active and sharper than any double edged sword (Hebrews 4:12). They are literally sustaining my heart. Because in myself I want to be going crazing and acting irrational, and throwing a fit about all of this. But it is there... consistent truth flowing down into my soul giving me strength for the moment. Allowing me to lead my son and navigate is fragile heart through these days.
This is why I believe. Because my life has had storms. A lot of storms. Whether a gentle rain or a complete Tsunami. I have tried different "fixes" throughout my life when the forecast of life looks threatening and when the dark clouds roll in. I have tried lots of self solutions, positive thinking, excessive exercise, excessive eating. I have tried casual sex, shopping sprees, alcohol. I have tried putting on masks, religion, using other people. I have tried throwing tantrums, throwing things and throwing in the towel. Most brought instant comfort, and lasting guilt. Some brought good coping skills yet still unsurfaced fright. The only thing that I have tried that has not ever failed my life is the life giving name of Jesus.
Jesus you are the one thing that has remained. Unchanging, unwaivering, unmoving. And now I hear you say...."Help is on the way."
To the extravagantly rich promises of your word I cling today......
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)
"He who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundations on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it because it was well built. But those who hear my words and do not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent truck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete." (Luke 6:47-49)
"Rejoice in the Lord. Always. I will say it again. Rejoice. Let gentleness be evident to all the Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:4-7)
"We have this treasure to show that this all surpassing greatness is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side but not crushed. perplexed but not in despair, persecuted but not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed. ...Therefore we do not lose heart though outwardly we are wasting away yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen but what is unseen for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal," (II Corinthians 4:7-18)
"God is our refuge and strength an ever present help in times of trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth gives way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, and the mountains quake with their surging. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God a Holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her. She will not fall. God will help her at day break." (Psalm 46)
"Praise the Lord O my soul; all my inmost being praise his holy name. Forget not all his benefits--who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things." (Psalm 103)
And these promises are just the tip of the iceberg....Lord you are soo good. I love you I love your word. Especially in the unknown.
I hear your voice of truth speak out over the shouting of worry and fear and dread and doubt in my spirit.
"Give your boy to me, for he has always been mine. Lay him in my arms. Carry him to my heart. Let the hands of the healer hold your son's head. Let me be his peace, his comfort his strong tower. Bring your son to me child and allow the wounds that I took for him heal him. This is a time for him to draw near to me and find out in his deep places who I am. I want him to know me and the Power of the resurrection in his life, for My Glory to be lived out with purpose in his days. Child I know the plans I have for Collin Joshua Foose, plans to prosper him and not to harm him, plans to give him a hope and a good future. Sweet child of mine who I have allowed for a time to be Collin's mother lay him down, he is truly Mine. I love him more than you can know; so much that I have counted every hair on his head and if you were to count the thoughts I have towards him they outnumber the grains of sand in the sea, I have his name written in the palm of my hand, like a tattoo, and his name sealed in the Lamb's Book of Life. Child your thoughts and ways are not my thoughts and ways but know that mine is best. Rest in that. Resolve in the unchanging love that I have for this boy that you love and I will not ever let him go. Lay him down child and give him to me. I am his Great Physician. I will skillfully work through those who you have yet to meet on this journey. I am his Counselor. I will breathe words of encouragement, support and love through you and others to him. I love your son. I died for this. I didn't stay dead. I am alive and my spirit is now interceding for you in the royal throne room of heaven with utterings and words man cannot yet understand. Heaven is on his side. On your side. The enemy knows this He hates it, he will try to deceive, distract, and defeat you, it may feel like it at times but it cannot happen. You are sealed with my promises. You are mine. Collin is mine. No one can snatch out of my hands. Allow this time to be a time of waiting in Hope. Allow this season to strengthen you. I am your healer and your deliverer. You child have been delivered. I and relentlessly for you and your son. I am jealous for him. I desire him to be a mighty man of God. A fearless warrior for the things of eternity. His life, his servant hood will be a tool for an awakening of souls. Do not fear. This child has purpose in my kingdom. You see his affectionate way of selflessly serving, you see how I have created him to think quickly and lead, you see how I have created him with work ethic and high motivation, you see how I have created him with charm, charisma, and comedy...these traits I have created in him need to be molded and shaped to make him the man I have for him to be in my kingdom. Give him to me Child I am his help, I am for him, and I have his best interest at heart"....
Jesus he is yours...He has never been fully mine. Have and do your good will for this sweet boy that I love like only you can, Let him Know You and the Great power of his Great God this day and in the days to come...I will forever praise you for whatever that is...Thanks for making my mama heart so big and full for this kid. Thank you for every single minute you have allowed me to know this child even the ones where he has drove me crazy. Thanks you for every minute yet to come...I love you Jesus you are enough today.
Monday was a day that turned our world upside down. My middle son had an MRI- and a Cerebellar Tonsillar Herniation was found on his brain. So we are in the waiting room of life for 5 more days until we see a Pediatric Neurosurgeon in Iowa City.
I debate to share the following but decide to be vulnerable and if you should so choose to continue on while I emotionally vomit all over you the reader;...I guess I want to be vulnerable because we can use all the prayer we can get right now and I want Jesus to have all the glory for whatever happens in my sons future.
Lord Jesus every emotion has stirred in my heart...memories of this precious child pop up on my screen that have been unopened yet saved in my mama brain over the last 15+ years. The what if and scenarios of how this will all play out constantly try to creep in and fill me with worry fear or even guilt of possibly overreacting to the whole thing, and yet life continues on. So many people have been here in this waiting room of life before me. I have read about them, on-line...in books...and magazines...seen their stories on documentaries and reality shows on TV..I know this happens but didn't think it would hit our world. this close. But here we are. A lot of the time when I am calmly talking to people about what is going on it's like an out of body experience or awkwardly enough talking about someone else. But I'm not and I have yet to be out of my own skin so it sinks in and I get weepy usually when I am alone...Sometimes my mama bear kicks in and I just want control over this one and want to plead with God to switch places with my baby...but this is not the road that was chosen for me. Sometimes I want to be factual and logical and educated on whats going on but that brings me to websites filled with the worst case scenario which leads me back to the weepy destination and yet the hours tick on ever so slowly of my usually flying too fast life..
God I don't know how to parent my child through this one, I don't think there are any how to manuals on this one..like, How to Have your Child Thrive with a Life Threatening Situation, The Happy Child in The Waiting Game, What to Expect when you Don't know What your Expecting, 5 Days to Overcoming Brain Hernaitions...Those books are not out there...Can you help me?
Lord I know he's scared yet his personality is such that I feel like a private investigator to uncover his feelings, can you help me?
Lord you know my passionate heart, crazy as it is, better than I do, it's my greatest strength and yet also my greatest weakness especially right now..I need steadiness, can you help me?
Lord Jesus, my boy, is hurting, he needs healing, Lord Jesus it's MY BOY...Can you help him?
Lord Jesus this is hard for everybody in our world, not knowing how to respond, some responses that cause hurt, can you help us?
And he does because even though there are not manuals and how to books written for this season of life there is one manual that is written once and for all. Right now it feels as though it was all written personally for us, my son, and me. The promises in the Word of God are truly living and active and sharper than any double edged sword (Hebrews 4:12). They are literally sustaining my heart. Because in myself I want to be going crazing and acting irrational, and throwing a fit about all of this. But it is there... consistent truth flowing down into my soul giving me strength for the moment. Allowing me to lead my son and navigate is fragile heart through these days.
This is why I believe. Because my life has had storms. A lot of storms. Whether a gentle rain or a complete Tsunami. I have tried different "fixes" throughout my life when the forecast of life looks threatening and when the dark clouds roll in. I have tried lots of self solutions, positive thinking, excessive exercise, excessive eating. I have tried casual sex, shopping sprees, alcohol. I have tried putting on masks, religion, using other people. I have tried throwing tantrums, throwing things and throwing in the towel. Most brought instant comfort, and lasting guilt. Some brought good coping skills yet still unsurfaced fright. The only thing that I have tried that has not ever failed my life is the life giving name of Jesus.
Jesus you are the one thing that has remained. Unchanging, unwaivering, unmoving. And now I hear you say...."Help is on the way."
To the extravagantly rich promises of your word I cling today......
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)
"He who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundations on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it because it was well built. But those who hear my words and do not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent truck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete." (Luke 6:47-49)
"Rejoice in the Lord. Always. I will say it again. Rejoice. Let gentleness be evident to all the Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:4-7)
"We have this treasure to show that this all surpassing greatness is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side but not crushed. perplexed but not in despair, persecuted but not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed. ...Therefore we do not lose heart though outwardly we are wasting away yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen but what is unseen for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal," (II Corinthians 4:7-18)
"God is our refuge and strength an ever present help in times of trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth gives way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, and the mountains quake with their surging. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God a Holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her. She will not fall. God will help her at day break." (Psalm 46)
"Praise the Lord O my soul; all my inmost being praise his holy name. Forget not all his benefits--who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things." (Psalm 103)
And these promises are just the tip of the iceberg....Lord you are soo good. I love you I love your word. Especially in the unknown.
I hear your voice of truth speak out over the shouting of worry and fear and dread and doubt in my spirit.
"Give your boy to me, for he has always been mine. Lay him in my arms. Carry him to my heart. Let the hands of the healer hold your son's head. Let me be his peace, his comfort his strong tower. Bring your son to me child and allow the wounds that I took for him heal him. This is a time for him to draw near to me and find out in his deep places who I am. I want him to know me and the Power of the resurrection in his life, for My Glory to be lived out with purpose in his days. Child I know the plans I have for Collin Joshua Foose, plans to prosper him and not to harm him, plans to give him a hope and a good future. Sweet child of mine who I have allowed for a time to be Collin's mother lay him down, he is truly Mine. I love him more than you can know; so much that I have counted every hair on his head and if you were to count the thoughts I have towards him they outnumber the grains of sand in the sea, I have his name written in the palm of my hand, like a tattoo, and his name sealed in the Lamb's Book of Life. Child your thoughts and ways are not my thoughts and ways but know that mine is best. Rest in that. Resolve in the unchanging love that I have for this boy that you love and I will not ever let him go. Lay him down child and give him to me. I am his Great Physician. I will skillfully work through those who you have yet to meet on this journey. I am his Counselor. I will breathe words of encouragement, support and love through you and others to him. I love your son. I died for this. I didn't stay dead. I am alive and my spirit is now interceding for you in the royal throne room of heaven with utterings and words man cannot yet understand. Heaven is on his side. On your side. The enemy knows this He hates it, he will try to deceive, distract, and defeat you, it may feel like it at times but it cannot happen. You are sealed with my promises. You are mine. Collin is mine. No one can snatch out of my hands. Allow this time to be a time of waiting in Hope. Allow this season to strengthen you. I am your healer and your deliverer. You child have been delivered. I and relentlessly for you and your son. I am jealous for him. I desire him to be a mighty man of God. A fearless warrior for the things of eternity. His life, his servant hood will be a tool for an awakening of souls. Do not fear. This child has purpose in my kingdom. You see his affectionate way of selflessly serving, you see how I have created him to think quickly and lead, you see how I have created him with work ethic and high motivation, you see how I have created him with charm, charisma, and comedy...these traits I have created in him need to be molded and shaped to make him the man I have for him to be in my kingdom. Give him to me Child I am his help, I am for him, and I have his best interest at heart"....
Jesus he is yours...He has never been fully mine. Have and do your good will for this sweet boy that I love like only you can, Let him Know You and the Great power of his Great God this day and in the days to come...I will forever praise you for whatever that is...Thanks for making my mama heart so big and full for this kid. Thank you for every single minute you have allowed me to know this child even the ones where he has drove me crazy. Thanks you for every minute yet to come...I love you Jesus you are enough today.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
ONE...ONE+ONE
I am one.
One person.
With one heartbeat.
I have one chance.
I made one choice.
A choice to have sex. That one choice I made changed everything for my one life when I was 17. One heart began to beat apart from mine inside me. There was now one life inside my one life.
I learned in school that one plus one equals two early on. I learned from my, outspoken say it like it is no matter who is in ear shot, grandfather that killing babies is wrong early on. "The women that do this have dreams of their dead babies crying and they are never the same," he would say . This was scary to me as a little girl and now these words haunted me week after week as the secret heartbeat inside of me continued to beat. I knew one in a one+one situation that had an abortion and so I mustered up one ounce of courage to ask that hideous question that kept playing like a broken recording my head. With love and respect I said, "Could you please tell me, is it true? Do you dream about your baby? Do you dream that it's crying?" She gave me one look I will never forget and simply said, "Yes don't do it." she knew I was no longer one but one+one.
I was still determinded to save face of my one little-miss-perfect-life that I thought I was fooling my family with.
I made one appointment.
Found one adult to consent.
I waited for the one day this one heartbeat would dissolve and my one life would return back to normal. But one thing happened. One morning before that one day I was anticipating, I was in the shower getting ready for school. I took one look down at my now belly with a bulge and while taking this one look down, I heard one voice inside my soul. "Are two wrongs going to make this right for you?" The equation took on a whole new meaning. I had made one decision to have sex outside of marriage as a young teen. I was about to make one more decision to end the the life of the child growing inside of me. I thought my equation of one minus one would equal one again. And in some ways I suppose you could argue that it would. But that other one would not just be erased. It would remain somewhere. If I have one of something and subtract it it does in fact equal one but it doesn't change the fact that there was once one more.
The rest of the morning that phrase continually played in my head "Are two wrongs going to make this right for you?" I battled focusing on the morning lectures in class; each one sounded like the muffled teacher's voice off a Charlie Brown cartoon. My aching heart could no longer take another moment and in the middle of a psychology lecture I burst into tears and quickly made my way to the school counselor's office.
That one office visit changed everything. I was now one blubbery bawling mess, spewing out 16 weeks of cooped up emotion. The sweet counselor who was more versed on dealing with career paths and college choices over bawling pregnant women rose to the occasion and patiently listened to my panicked heart. One phone call of dread was made to my mother and she was on her way. How was I going to explain this one that was no longer one but one+one?
One conversation was had. To this day I cannot tell you how it went. It is one big blur. Except for one statement. A statement that my normally overly emotional and dramatic mother said without tears, anger, or panic. "This doesn't surprise me, I love you, we will get through this." One phrase shed one little light onto the unlit path in front of my one+one life.
One more crucial conversation still had to take place. Telling my grandparents. You remember the one out spoken, say-it-like-it-is no matter who is in earshot, not to mention doesn't say I love you and rarely-ever-hugged-you-in-your-whole-life grandfather? The one who had made harsh, but now I knew, true comments about effects of abortion on women. To say the least I was petrified. One Saturday they listened to my one+one equation confession thru sobbing and shaking. One long pause remained as I finished my words to them. My grandfather was the first one to speak in a tone of voice I had rarely heard from him. With divine compassion and mercy, as unnatural as it seemed, coming out of his mouth he said, " Your grandmother and I love you very much, we will support you...and he placed his hand on my shoulder and began to pray for me+one little one. One more blessing from my mess, I knew my grandfather loved me yes by the words that came out of his mouth but more by the action of it displayed that one Saturday morning.
In 13 days we will celebrate one life. On October 26, 2012 my son, Logan Michael Foose, will have his 20th birthday. So much has happened since that Saturday morning conversation. Most of it has been very difficult. Some of it has been incredibly wonderful.
My teenage life came to a screeching halt three years early. I was immersed into adoption counseling, doctor visits, birthing classes, summer school to be flexible to still graduate on time, filling out forms for medical aid, living in a small town and going to a small church where stares were a given and gossip was rampant. All when one is normally immersed in career counseling, college visits, college prep classes, summer jobs, filling out forms for financial aid, and small town gossip about the latest crushes.
The last 20 years and nine months have been filled with struggle. I will not paint a fairytale picture of my one story. It was hard. I will never forget the day my mom and grandma picked Logan and I up from the hospital to take us home. We settled in. I laid Logan in his borrowed bassinet. My mom said, "Grandma and I are going out to run some errands." I shockingly said to her, "You're leaving me?" And they left.
The reality of being responsible for another human being overwhelmed my naive young soul. It was as close as I've felt to having an out of body experience, standing over his bassinet and looking at his swaddled little being peacefully sleeping as I thought, this can't be real. Even still, I declared that morning to take this mama thing seriously even though I knew nothing about it.
The beauty and honor of knowing my son and being his mom was and is worth every second of doing countless hard things. I look back with no regret. Logan's life has taught me more than I could have ever possibly taught him. I think about what would life be like if if my one story had turned out another way and I can't even process it without being overcome with an aching emptiness of grief.
I am one.
One person.
With one heartbeat.
I have one chance.
I am making one choice.
A choice to tell my one story. Not because I am a great person and I think you should sing my praises. Not because I want to bash someone who had a life end in abortion. Simply because, every time I have shared my one story, there is always another one. Another story. Different from mine yet with striking similarities.
Sometimes its a story that has been kept a secret for decades. Sometimes it is a story that has kept a life captive in guilt and shame and fear and condemnation. Sometimes its a hideous story with heartbreaking lines that has an ending of forgiveness, processed grief and now a passion to share. Sometimes it's a story of one+one that considered one-one but didn't which resulted in life. Whatever one story it is, it needs to be told. If you have not personally walked down the road labeled choice to the destination or near destination of abortion you have most likely been closely related with someone who has.
This is my plea to you.
Share your one story. In person, in your own handwriting, on social media, in your home, in your circle of friends, at your church, through your e-mail, post a picture, on a video, etc...
Uncover the lie of the holocaust happening at a rate of 3,700 per day on the children of our own people, in our country. This is not a political, spiritual or scientific plea. This is a plea to shine an illuminating light on a lie so that a freeing truth may come to one who is facing a one+one equation right now.
You are one.
One person.
With one heartbeat.
You have one chance.
You can make one choice.
Will you?
One person.
With one heartbeat.
I have one chance.
I made one choice.
A choice to have sex. That one choice I made changed everything for my one life when I was 17. One heart began to beat apart from mine inside me. There was now one life inside my one life.
I learned in school that one plus one equals two early on. I learned from my, outspoken say it like it is no matter who is in ear shot, grandfather that killing babies is wrong early on. "The women that do this have dreams of their dead babies crying and they are never the same," he would say . This was scary to me as a little girl and now these words haunted me week after week as the secret heartbeat inside of me continued to beat. I knew one in a one+one situation that had an abortion and so I mustered up one ounce of courage to ask that hideous question that kept playing like a broken recording my head. With love and respect I said, "Could you please tell me, is it true? Do you dream about your baby? Do you dream that it's crying?" She gave me one look I will never forget and simply said, "Yes don't do it." she knew I was no longer one but one+one.
I was still determinded to save face of my one little-miss-perfect-life that I thought I was fooling my family with.
I made one appointment.
Found one adult to consent.
I waited for the one day this one heartbeat would dissolve and my one life would return back to normal. But one thing happened. One morning before that one day I was anticipating, I was in the shower getting ready for school. I took one look down at my now belly with a bulge and while taking this one look down, I heard one voice inside my soul. "Are two wrongs going to make this right for you?" The equation took on a whole new meaning. I had made one decision to have sex outside of marriage as a young teen. I was about to make one more decision to end the the life of the child growing inside of me. I thought my equation of one minus one would equal one again. And in some ways I suppose you could argue that it would. But that other one would not just be erased. It would remain somewhere. If I have one of something and subtract it it does in fact equal one but it doesn't change the fact that there was once one more.
The rest of the morning that phrase continually played in my head "Are two wrongs going to make this right for you?" I battled focusing on the morning lectures in class; each one sounded like the muffled teacher's voice off a Charlie Brown cartoon. My aching heart could no longer take another moment and in the middle of a psychology lecture I burst into tears and quickly made my way to the school counselor's office.
That one office visit changed everything. I was now one blubbery bawling mess, spewing out 16 weeks of cooped up emotion. The sweet counselor who was more versed on dealing with career paths and college choices over bawling pregnant women rose to the occasion and patiently listened to my panicked heart. One phone call of dread was made to my mother and she was on her way. How was I going to explain this one that was no longer one but one+one?
One conversation was had. To this day I cannot tell you how it went. It is one big blur. Except for one statement. A statement that my normally overly emotional and dramatic mother said without tears, anger, or panic. "This doesn't surprise me, I love you, we will get through this." One phrase shed one little light onto the unlit path in front of my one+one life.
One more crucial conversation still had to take place. Telling my grandparents. You remember the one out spoken, say-it-like-it-is no matter who is in earshot, not to mention doesn't say I love you and rarely-ever-hugged-you-in-your-whole-life grandfather? The one who had made harsh, but now I knew, true comments about effects of abortion on women. To say the least I was petrified. One Saturday they listened to my one+one equation confession thru sobbing and shaking. One long pause remained as I finished my words to them. My grandfather was the first one to speak in a tone of voice I had rarely heard from him. With divine compassion and mercy, as unnatural as it seemed, coming out of his mouth he said, " Your grandmother and I love you very much, we will support you...and he placed his hand on my shoulder and began to pray for me+one little one. One more blessing from my mess, I knew my grandfather loved me yes by the words that came out of his mouth but more by the action of it displayed that one Saturday morning.
In 13 days we will celebrate one life. On October 26, 2012 my son, Logan Michael Foose, will have his 20th birthday. So much has happened since that Saturday morning conversation. Most of it has been very difficult. Some of it has been incredibly wonderful.
My teenage life came to a screeching halt three years early. I was immersed into adoption counseling, doctor visits, birthing classes, summer school to be flexible to still graduate on time, filling out forms for medical aid, living in a small town and going to a small church where stares were a given and gossip was rampant. All when one is normally immersed in career counseling, college visits, college prep classes, summer jobs, filling out forms for financial aid, and small town gossip about the latest crushes.
The last 20 years and nine months have been filled with struggle. I will not paint a fairytale picture of my one story. It was hard. I will never forget the day my mom and grandma picked Logan and I up from the hospital to take us home. We settled in. I laid Logan in his borrowed bassinet. My mom said, "Grandma and I are going out to run some errands." I shockingly said to her, "You're leaving me?" And they left.
The reality of being responsible for another human being overwhelmed my naive young soul. It was as close as I've felt to having an out of body experience, standing over his bassinet and looking at his swaddled little being peacefully sleeping as I thought, this can't be real. Even still, I declared that morning to take this mama thing seriously even though I knew nothing about it.
The beauty and honor of knowing my son and being his mom was and is worth every second of doing countless hard things. I look back with no regret. Logan's life has taught me more than I could have ever possibly taught him. I think about what would life be like if if my one story had turned out another way and I can't even process it without being overcome with an aching emptiness of grief.
I am one.
One person.
With one heartbeat.
I have one chance.
I am making one choice.
A choice to tell my one story. Not because I am a great person and I think you should sing my praises. Not because I want to bash someone who had a life end in abortion. Simply because, every time I have shared my one story, there is always another one. Another story. Different from mine yet with striking similarities.
Sometimes its a story that has been kept a secret for decades. Sometimes it is a story that has kept a life captive in guilt and shame and fear and condemnation. Sometimes its a hideous story with heartbreaking lines that has an ending of forgiveness, processed grief and now a passion to share. Sometimes it's a story of one+one that considered one-one but didn't which resulted in life. Whatever one story it is, it needs to be told. If you have not personally walked down the road labeled choice to the destination or near destination of abortion you have most likely been closely related with someone who has.
This is my plea to you.
Share your one story. In person, in your own handwriting, on social media, in your home, in your circle of friends, at your church, through your e-mail, post a picture, on a video, etc...
Uncover the lie of the holocaust happening at a rate of 3,700 per day on the children of our own people, in our country. This is not a political, spiritual or scientific plea. This is a plea to shine an illuminating light on a lie so that a freeing truth may come to one who is facing a one+one equation right now.
You are one.
One person.
With one heartbeat.
You have one chance.
You can make one choice.
Will you?
ONE+ONE
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Consider it Joy....
Consider it, Joy.
"Whenever you face trials."
Whenever; not if you face them.
I'm facing them. Where should I begin? To give the details would be gossip but I'll just let your mind wander and it's juicy. From being a mom who continually sees the daily effect of divorce that not only my sole bears but even more devastating my children, my stepchildren. I want to stand in front of them and just say this pain cannot get past me, put their pain in me. When their hearts break over young love. I wanna bring out my mama bear guns and retaliate. But I am living and working through the same human condition they are and as much as God fills up and overflows mama hearts with passion and compassion and sacrificial love for her babies. My heart has a limit. Their hearts have limits. Limits where we end.
Consider it, Joy...
"Whenever you face trials of many kinds.
So its in the plural. My biggest trial is that I am a sinner and my kids and the entire population are sinners incapable of doing anything to save ourselves from the choice of fallenness in us since birth.I accept God's forgiveness through his son Jesus and that trial is forever gone because I can now walk on the bridge that paved the gaping hole between me and a holy God. Overwhelming. But the trials keep a coming. In many forms and many ways. Right down to the peddling religious man offering me a twisted spin on the bible with another book among other things added to it, knocking at my door while I write this. I stand and listen with new insight praying the name of Jesus over this young boy being trained in a message that adds and subtracts from the gospel message of Jesus in the bible and think about how the word says in Revelation "Anyone who adds anything to them, God will add to him the plagues described in this book. Anyone who takes words away from this book of prophecy, God will take away from him his share in the tree of life and in the holy city." Yeah the bible says that and I believe it and it's a trial staring me in the face on my front door...A trial of what to say...being a woman alone in the country and not feeling "safe" to invite two young men in...but ugh feeling compassion and a burden for their souls..It's so easy to sweep through a village in Africa with love and compassion and then get on a plane and Go home. When its at my doorstep in my home country I tend to tighten up, make excuses, and build up preconceived notions on how people will react.
Consider it, Joy...
"Whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know..."
I know. How? Because the track record of the Savior I claim over my whole life is the only thing in my life that is flawless. Immaculately perfect has been his unescapable love relentlessly pursuing my ever wandering and distracted heart. I can know that I know that I know. Not because of me but because of his faithfulness that never lets up on his treasure, me. You. Humanity. Do you just want to lay face down flat on the floor when you think of this truh. the Holy God who is perfect and whole and without need chooses to be patient and pursuent of us, continually as we daily choose us and what we see. Not only that but his word says in Genesis that we bear his image. When you look in the mirror, no matter what your opinion is on what you see there or the effects of living in a fallen world reflects. You. Bear. His. Image.
Consider it , Joy...
Whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith..."
There always seems to be a test. But thankfully our Savior through the word he provides us with doesn't give pop quizes that we are unprepared for. Specifics of the test may come as a shock of a surprise and they may feel more like our lives are ending than a test but he does graciously give us the heads up - Your faith will be tested. Count on it. Prepare for it. Be ready. Hide yourself inside his love be intimate with him. Be surronded by honest and true believers who will admonish and encourage you as you take the test. The testing of my faith as a for sale sign is staked in my yard this morning. Surrendering our dwelling place up to a holy God and asking, "Where do you want us? How can your glory most be defined in the place that we dwell." The test as family and friends may or may not understand that we are willing to lay it down at his feet and for him to be the one who decides if we are to stay or to go. And the battle in me of not wanting change, of wanting to cling tightly to the tangible....Thank you God for this test....It's so hard.
Whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."
Something is growing through this flamboyant array of rainbow colored trials cropping up in my life. Production. Building. there is going to be a birth in me. And that outcome is perseverance. A stake in the ground no turning back mentatilty, attitude, and action of an unwillnessness to stop no matter what. Whether by life or death. joy or sorrow, suffering or pleasure Jesus will produce inside me a persevereance as I face the trial. Oh yeah I need to point out the word face..we can have all kinds of trials in our life and if we aviod them we can expect to not produce the perseverance. We can expect to remain useless, stuck and half healed in this world the promise of perseverance comes as we look the trial in the eyes with the Joy of our Lord as our only strength.
Consider it, Joy..
"Whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work..."
I've got to let perseverance have its way and do its thing in me..it's that simple or that hard??!!
"Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything"
There.Will. Be. A. Day. When I'm mature, complete and not lacking anything! When my kids don't suffer anymore the consequences of brokenness, sin, hurt, divorce,there will be a day when I won't stress over my dwelling place, when spiritual battles will cease, when no one will knock on my door offering me man made truths. I long for That. Day. That Day. When there is no more lacking. When we don't wonder if the healing will happen. When we don't fear anymore what if's. When nothing will be lacking...no more hungry...no more thirsty...no. More. Death. I will see that day because of the gracious love of my Savior Jesus Christ living in me. I want you to be there on that day. Do you know Jesus. Does he know you? Are you considering your present trial joy...Are you preparing for your not lacking anything day?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQan9L3yXjc&feature=related
Friday, August 31, 2012
38
It was yesterday. The birthday. Sure when I was little I couldn't wait to get a little older, a little bigger. But now as those numbers creep closer to the big one, 40, it really is more of a have to! None the less it was a great day. I felt incredibly blessed and humbled by all the intimate and intentional wishes, gestures, and ways friends and family made the creeping up numbers seem like no big deal.
But I pondered as I quite often do and to a look back. The 20 year old Joy would have expected the 38 year old Joy to now have her custom built home, decorated to the hilt, while wearing her unlimited supply of designer clothing with an airbrushed body off the cover of Runner's World. The 20 year old Joy would have expected the 38 year old Joy to have the lake house, the gourmet elegantly planned out meals, the "perfect" picture of the Perfect lifestyle of the American dream. A lot of pressure I know, it's hard being me, LOL! Well here I am 38 year old Joy.. and I have to say I'm sorry 20 year old Joy to have sorely disappointed you. But I have a few things to say to you little miss 20...
We were sadly mistaken...I am finding out that the whole "American Dream, Keeping up with the Jones thing" is a hoax!Yeah it's good to work hard, be a good steward, and take care of your body the temple you have been given for God to dwell in. But.... the rest is a farce. The tangible distraction that constantly dangles like a carrot in front of us while running in the hamster wheel of life trying to get the next thing is not where it is at. OK, so maybe we are a slow learner but 33 started scratching the surface of this and 38 is digging in and letting go of the lie. The lie that even church was like a fun club of super happy people who had life put together because they would tell you when asked how are you ..fine...good...great with our country club smiles and neatly planned out wardrobes as to hide any complications. The lie that we were above certain sins and sinners because we didn't do those things and we didn't go to those places. Seriously 20 you had it all wrong. Not True. None of us ever had it all put together and none of us ever had that great of a life...truth is we are living in a fallen world that a promise has been declared to us here we, "Will have trouble." And 20 trouble came to you. If anyone would have told you the trouble we'd go through I think it probably would have taken you; fragile as you were hanging unto a castle made in the sand dream. But 20 take heart; the trouble did not take us! Because the declared promise that is actually the words of Jesus, you know the guy that saved your life and then you had a genie in the bottle relationship with for quite sometime, ends with "In this world you will have trouble, but take heart for I have overcome the world!" (John 16:33) So 20, Jesus did this really cool thing. While 33 thought she was gonna die in a pile of sadness and grief. He pulled her through and made her strong, he rebuilt us. It took a precious little orphan washing 34's feet for us to figure it out, but hey it happened, and life is so different now.
So here I am 38. thinking back on all this and I realize 38 your at a crossroads. As much as you have changed there are still so many patterns, habits, and choices that remain. It's ingrained in you 38. And 38 it can't be both ways. Sure there's been lots of change and for the better but there is now a fork in the road. The American Dream, the lavished life, the comfort, the "Way it's always been" for your culture, the it's all about you, take care of you, is on one turn. The abandon it all for the sake of the cross life is on the other. And it can't just be talk anymore, it can't just be giving that doesn't hurt. You 38, have to decide. It's not going to "Save" you that gift has already been given. That price has already been paid. There is nothing that can snatch you out of His hand. You are sealed with a promise. But 38 what will you do with knowing that promise has been sealed on you? Eternity. Has.Been. Sealed. On. You. 38 decide.
And so me, myself and I thought and pondered over life that had been, life that was, and life that was constantly coming to be. And I weighed the satisfaction. Hey I can't lie expensive jeans with bling on the pockets gives me a thrill. But when weighed up against praying the Holy name of Jesus over a dying girl laying on a borrowed sheet in Africa and watching her sit up and talk and then walk away....now I'm thinking, "What jeans?" When I think about a beautiful home where I can nest and nurture and care for my family and do the mom and wife thing that I love so I think yeah Jesus would want that for me right? Well weighed up against his words "Foxes have holes and the birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head," (Luke 9:58) don't really think that my lavished home is gonna get noticed on the day I stand before Jesus. I don't think Jesus is gonna say, "Oh I'm soo glad you bought that print on the wall, it matched so nicely with the accent pillows on the couch." But he might say "When I was hungry you gave me something to eat, thirsty something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I was in prison and you visited me...whatever you did for the least of these you did for me." (Matthew somewhere, you go find it; worth the dig!) 38 you're beginning to "get it" but now Jesus is asking you what will it be? You can't have it both ways. Just like the rich young ruler he talked to in the bible who was a really good guy. Followed the law, even believed. But he too came to that fork in the road, cross roads, moment-of-life and Jesus flat out said as he looked on this man with love, my road includes."Go, sell all that you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." (Mark 10) That rich man had it all but as Jesus said "He lacked one thing." 38 what is your one thing? Reader, what is your "one thing"? It's time to make your choice 38, it's very clear where you are. Where will you head? Jesus has been more than patient and extremely gentle waiting as you toyed with the world and your now shattered glass dream, it's time for another stake in the ground decision, you know the "No turning back, no turning back" kind of decision you sing about when you say you have decided to follow Jesus.
The choice is yours 38. I hope 40 can declare, "There is no downhill from here we are just gonna keep climbing this deny yourself take up your cross and follow mountain, embracing the love inlets of peace, and embracing the high altitude of learning how to breath deeper with less air, living better not because of more comfort, convenience, and ease of lifestyle but because the uphill climb of letting go of it all has made you strong, a woman who's "Arms are strong for her tasks and who's lamp does not go out at night." (Proverbs 31).. I hope 40 you are heavy into the uphill climb so as to someday hear when you get to the top of that beautiful breathtaking view on the mountain top "Well Done."
But I pondered as I quite often do and to a look back. The 20 year old Joy would have expected the 38 year old Joy to now have her custom built home, decorated to the hilt, while wearing her unlimited supply of designer clothing with an airbrushed body off the cover of Runner's World. The 20 year old Joy would have expected the 38 year old Joy to have the lake house, the gourmet elegantly planned out meals, the "perfect" picture of the Perfect lifestyle of the American dream. A lot of pressure I know, it's hard being me, LOL! Well here I am 38 year old Joy.. and I have to say I'm sorry 20 year old Joy to have sorely disappointed you. But I have a few things to say to you little miss 20...
We were sadly mistaken...I am finding out that the whole "American Dream, Keeping up with the Jones thing" is a hoax!Yeah it's good to work hard, be a good steward, and take care of your body the temple you have been given for God to dwell in. But.... the rest is a farce. The tangible distraction that constantly dangles like a carrot in front of us while running in the hamster wheel of life trying to get the next thing is not where it is at. OK, so maybe we are a slow learner but 33 started scratching the surface of this and 38 is digging in and letting go of the lie. The lie that even church was like a fun club of super happy people who had life put together because they would tell you when asked how are you ..fine...good...great with our country club smiles and neatly planned out wardrobes as to hide any complications. The lie that we were above certain sins and sinners because we didn't do those things and we didn't go to those places. Seriously 20 you had it all wrong. Not True. None of us ever had it all put together and none of us ever had that great of a life...truth is we are living in a fallen world that a promise has been declared to us here we, "Will have trouble." And 20 trouble came to you. If anyone would have told you the trouble we'd go through I think it probably would have taken you; fragile as you were hanging unto a castle made in the sand dream. But 20 take heart; the trouble did not take us! Because the declared promise that is actually the words of Jesus, you know the guy that saved your life and then you had a genie in the bottle relationship with for quite sometime, ends with "In this world you will have trouble, but take heart for I have overcome the world!" (John 16:33) So 20, Jesus did this really cool thing. While 33 thought she was gonna die in a pile of sadness and grief. He pulled her through and made her strong, he rebuilt us. It took a precious little orphan washing 34's feet for us to figure it out, but hey it happened, and life is so different now.
So here I am 38. thinking back on all this and I realize 38 your at a crossroads. As much as you have changed there are still so many patterns, habits, and choices that remain. It's ingrained in you 38. And 38 it can't be both ways. Sure there's been lots of change and for the better but there is now a fork in the road. The American Dream, the lavished life, the comfort, the "Way it's always been" for your culture, the it's all about you, take care of you, is on one turn. The abandon it all for the sake of the cross life is on the other. And it can't just be talk anymore, it can't just be giving that doesn't hurt. You 38, have to decide. It's not going to "Save" you that gift has already been given. That price has already been paid. There is nothing that can snatch you out of His hand. You are sealed with a promise. But 38 what will you do with knowing that promise has been sealed on you? Eternity. Has.Been. Sealed. On. You. 38 decide.
And so me, myself and I thought and pondered over life that had been, life that was, and life that was constantly coming to be. And I weighed the satisfaction. Hey I can't lie expensive jeans with bling on the pockets gives me a thrill. But when weighed up against praying the Holy name of Jesus over a dying girl laying on a borrowed sheet in Africa and watching her sit up and talk and then walk away....now I'm thinking, "What jeans?" When I think about a beautiful home where I can nest and nurture and care for my family and do the mom and wife thing that I love so I think yeah Jesus would want that for me right? Well weighed up against his words "Foxes have holes and the birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head," (Luke 9:58) don't really think that my lavished home is gonna get noticed on the day I stand before Jesus. I don't think Jesus is gonna say, "Oh I'm soo glad you bought that print on the wall, it matched so nicely with the accent pillows on the couch." But he might say "When I was hungry you gave me something to eat, thirsty something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I was in prison and you visited me...whatever you did for the least of these you did for me." (Matthew somewhere, you go find it; worth the dig!) 38 you're beginning to "get it" but now Jesus is asking you what will it be? You can't have it both ways. Just like the rich young ruler he talked to in the bible who was a really good guy. Followed the law, even believed. But he too came to that fork in the road, cross roads, moment-of-life and Jesus flat out said as he looked on this man with love, my road includes."Go, sell all that you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." (Mark 10) That rich man had it all but as Jesus said "He lacked one thing." 38 what is your one thing? Reader, what is your "one thing"? It's time to make your choice 38, it's very clear where you are. Where will you head? Jesus has been more than patient and extremely gentle waiting as you toyed with the world and your now shattered glass dream, it's time for another stake in the ground decision, you know the "No turning back, no turning back" kind of decision you sing about when you say you have decided to follow Jesus.
The choice is yours 38. I hope 40 can declare, "There is no downhill from here we are just gonna keep climbing this deny yourself take up your cross and follow mountain, embracing the love inlets of peace, and embracing the high altitude of learning how to breath deeper with less air, living better not because of more comfort, convenience, and ease of lifestyle but because the uphill climb of letting go of it all has made you strong, a woman who's "Arms are strong for her tasks and who's lamp does not go out at night." (Proverbs 31).. I hope 40 you are heavy into the uphill climb so as to someday hear when you get to the top of that beautiful breathtaking view on the mountain top "Well Done."
Monday, August 13, 2012
Rambling prayer of A Full Mama Heart
Lord... Thank you for a full heart this weekend.
Thank you for showing yourself the faithful one, the consistent one, the One we can trust.
I stood at my oldest son's graduation hearing his class belt out the old hymn "Take My Life and Let it Be" They chose it as their class song. Sang it on the mission fields all over the world. Sang it on bus trips to while ministering to youth around the country, sang it in the morning after corporate exercise, sang it during days of fasting, days of celebrating and now they were singing it as their send off to go into the world; after taking a year to ground their adult lives in Christ, be disciplined and trained, and to set apart Christ as Lord as they sought his purpose and plan for each of their futures. They became a family over that year. Hearing the words ring out through young hearts unified-passionately with everything they had while electric guitars and drums brought the 1874 written lyrics in tune with their generation; put my mama heart to the top of the brim and overflowing.
The hurt, pain, toil, the dark days, the teaching and training and reteaching and retraining that never seemed to end sometimes was all worth it seeing You Lord had brought him to this moment in time. You helped me through as a mom not having a clue as to what to do most of the time. But just squeaking out those help me prayers, "Holy Spirit speak through me," as I parented this child over the past almost 20 years. If I had a dollar for all the times he made statements like, I hate myself, nobody likes me, I am a loser, or I can't, I would be a wealthy woman. But your voice of truth continued to speak through the darkness in his heart. You are the only voice and your truth is the only truth that shatters lies and outshines darkness in the soul.Thank you for that Sweet, Holy, Faithful, Unchanging Father.
As Honor Academy graduates continued to sing you gave me the snapshot glimpses of his life from the little bulge in my belly that I almost chose a devastating end to before life outside of the womb existed for him, to his little chubby person cuddly small and changing the world for the better with his captivating brown eyes and innocent smile. To his awkward big tooth stage where he began to question himself, to the unsure- unsteady middle schooler who hated himself, to the 14 year old who felt brokenness... I wasn't sure he would recover from... who turned his back on God while anger and bitterness posed as a faithful friend to him. But Lord you never relented even when he did, even when I did. I saw the boy the day he turned into a man face to face forgiving his father and how healing rushed into his burning up soul. I saw a young man dealing with hurt so heavy on his shoulders and you taking that hurt as he gave it over to you. I saw a man fall in love more deep and wide than it ever had been with a Savior who was now so real and relevant to all he is. And now I see a mighty Man of God, because he has and is dying to himself, the lies that tried to take him. I see a man who has learned that he is wrong sometimes and authority is good. I see a man who looks to others above himself sacrificially..that is an example to me. I see a man who has a calling on his life, a direction and purpose as you pursue him for full-time mission work. I see a man who does not want to be distracted even with a married relationship in order to be solely focused on kingdom agenda. I see the man that I prayed for so many years for that little baby, toddler, boy, teenager to become. Far from perfect he is, but looking to perfection as he fixes his eyes on You, Jesus, The Author and Perfecter of his faith.
And so my mama heart that has been full of questions, worry, doubt, uncertainty, the ever flowing "what-if's" pacing inside, is now full exploding with ceaseless praise to You Good King! Yes I was proud of my son, it's remarkable if you have lived closely inside his story to see this slow; yet sharp transformation in his life, but I knew it wasn't him it was You. So as the mama you have allowed me to be fulfilling my deepest heart's longing, if anything I boast; I boast about my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who makes the impossible possible to all who call upon his name. The one who loves boundlessly without end, who pursues consistently, yet who does not force but opens the path to follow or to go one's own way. Thank you Logan for following your Savior's way. Thank you Holy Spirit of the Living God for filling us up on the inside so that we can choose to die daily and follow you.
Lord Jesus, Take the glory, renown and praise for all of this, I celebrate today. Yes Lord I wanted to as a human mama pack him up in the van as I said my weeping good-bye yesterday and still protect and effect him like when he was little. But I know that is not best. So I still pray for this child you have allowed in my life Lord Jesus, King of Kings and Lord of Lord's the one who counts the hairs on our heads, calls out the starts by name, numbers the grains of sands on the beaches and yet still knows our name and calls us friend. Do more than I can dream, hope for, pray or imagine in my son Logan Michael. I do not pray for safety; I pray for your glory inside his life for where your glory is is the safest place he can be. I do not pray for earthly riches as normal as it may seem to my American life and the tangible; I pray for heavenly treasure that nothing will destroy for him in eternity, I do not pray for accolades or degrees of paper unless you see fit but I pray that through Your life inside of him names may be written in the Lamb's Book of Life, I pray that your Glory in His life will captivate others to die in order to truly live. I declare him a Child of the Most High King who darkness cannot touch, where lies must not infiltrate and where truth will continually set him free. I thank you Lord that even though he may suffer, he has victory in You and the work of the Cross completes whatever life trials he may walk. I thank you that You that lives inside of him are greater than the one who lives in this world. Satan you are bound up. I thank you Satan for hating my son because of all the life-giving power of Jesus that flows out of him...It will continue and you have no power up against the mighty name of Jesus we trust and love. And heavenly father thank you for all the unseen you have completed in my son's deepest places things that you have done for him that we are both unaware of.
I give him over again to you he was never mine. I hold him loosely and lead him once again to my Great King. May you be his measuring stick of holiness, his grace card of forgiveness, the good medicine as his healer and the joy of his heart. Now and forever more. Thank you Jesus. Your good. Amen.
Thank you for showing yourself the faithful one, the consistent one, the One we can trust.
I stood at my oldest son's graduation hearing his class belt out the old hymn "Take My Life and Let it Be" They chose it as their class song. Sang it on the mission fields all over the world. Sang it on bus trips to while ministering to youth around the country, sang it in the morning after corporate exercise, sang it during days of fasting, days of celebrating and now they were singing it as their send off to go into the world; after taking a year to ground their adult lives in Christ, be disciplined and trained, and to set apart Christ as Lord as they sought his purpose and plan for each of their futures. They became a family over that year. Hearing the words ring out through young hearts unified-passionately with everything they had while electric guitars and drums brought the 1874 written lyrics in tune with their generation; put my mama heart to the top of the brim and overflowing.
(Honor Academy's School of Worship Link to song)
...Take my life, and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee;
Take my moments and my days,
Let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands, and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love;
Take my feet, and let them be
Swift and beautiful for Thee.
Take my voice, and let me sing
Always, only, for my King;
Take my lips, and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee.
Take my silver and my gold:
Not a mite would I withhold;
Take my intellect, and use
Every power as Thou shalt choose.
Take my will, and make it Thine,
It shall be no longer mine;
Take my heart, it is Thine own,
It shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord, I pour
At Thy feet its treasure store;
Take myself, and I will be,
Ever, only, all for Thee...
The hurt, pain, toil, the dark days, the teaching and training and reteaching and retraining that never seemed to end sometimes was all worth it seeing You Lord had brought him to this moment in time. You helped me through as a mom not having a clue as to what to do most of the time. But just squeaking out those help me prayers, "Holy Spirit speak through me," as I parented this child over the past almost 20 years. If I had a dollar for all the times he made statements like, I hate myself, nobody likes me, I am a loser, or I can't, I would be a wealthy woman. But your voice of truth continued to speak through the darkness in his heart. You are the only voice and your truth is the only truth that shatters lies and outshines darkness in the soul.Thank you for that Sweet, Holy, Faithful, Unchanging Father.
As Honor Academy graduates continued to sing you gave me the snapshot glimpses of his life from the little bulge in my belly that I almost chose a devastating end to before life outside of the womb existed for him, to his little chubby person cuddly small and changing the world for the better with his captivating brown eyes and innocent smile. To his awkward big tooth stage where he began to question himself, to the unsure- unsteady middle schooler who hated himself, to the 14 year old who felt brokenness... I wasn't sure he would recover from... who turned his back on God while anger and bitterness posed as a faithful friend to him. But Lord you never relented even when he did, even when I did. I saw the boy the day he turned into a man face to face forgiving his father and how healing rushed into his burning up soul. I saw a young man dealing with hurt so heavy on his shoulders and you taking that hurt as he gave it over to you. I saw a man fall in love more deep and wide than it ever had been with a Savior who was now so real and relevant to all he is. And now I see a mighty Man of God, because he has and is dying to himself, the lies that tried to take him. I see a man who has learned that he is wrong sometimes and authority is good. I see a man who looks to others above himself sacrificially..that is an example to me. I see a man who has a calling on his life, a direction and purpose as you pursue him for full-time mission work. I see a man who does not want to be distracted even with a married relationship in order to be solely focused on kingdom agenda. I see the man that I prayed for so many years for that little baby, toddler, boy, teenager to become. Far from perfect he is, but looking to perfection as he fixes his eyes on You, Jesus, The Author and Perfecter of his faith.
And so my mama heart that has been full of questions, worry, doubt, uncertainty, the ever flowing "what-if's" pacing inside, is now full exploding with ceaseless praise to You Good King! Yes I was proud of my son, it's remarkable if you have lived closely inside his story to see this slow; yet sharp transformation in his life, but I knew it wasn't him it was You. So as the mama you have allowed me to be fulfilling my deepest heart's longing, if anything I boast; I boast about my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who makes the impossible possible to all who call upon his name. The one who loves boundlessly without end, who pursues consistently, yet who does not force but opens the path to follow or to go one's own way. Thank you Logan for following your Savior's way. Thank you Holy Spirit of the Living God for filling us up on the inside so that we can choose to die daily and follow you.
Lord Jesus, Take the glory, renown and praise for all of this, I celebrate today. Yes Lord I wanted to as a human mama pack him up in the van as I said my weeping good-bye yesterday and still protect and effect him like when he was little. But I know that is not best. So I still pray for this child you have allowed in my life Lord Jesus, King of Kings and Lord of Lord's the one who counts the hairs on our heads, calls out the starts by name, numbers the grains of sands on the beaches and yet still knows our name and calls us friend. Do more than I can dream, hope for, pray or imagine in my son Logan Michael. I do not pray for safety; I pray for your glory inside his life for where your glory is is the safest place he can be. I do not pray for earthly riches as normal as it may seem to my American life and the tangible; I pray for heavenly treasure that nothing will destroy for him in eternity, I do not pray for accolades or degrees of paper unless you see fit but I pray that through Your life inside of him names may be written in the Lamb's Book of Life, I pray that your Glory in His life will captivate others to die in order to truly live. I declare him a Child of the Most High King who darkness cannot touch, where lies must not infiltrate and where truth will continually set him free. I thank you Lord that even though he may suffer, he has victory in You and the work of the Cross completes whatever life trials he may walk. I thank you that You that lives inside of him are greater than the one who lives in this world. Satan you are bound up. I thank you Satan for hating my son because of all the life-giving power of Jesus that flows out of him...It will continue and you have no power up against the mighty name of Jesus we trust and love. And heavenly father thank you for all the unseen you have completed in my son's deepest places things that you have done for him that we are both unaware of.
I give him over again to you he was never mine. I hold him loosely and lead him once again to my Great King. May you be his measuring stick of holiness, his grace card of forgiveness, the good medicine as his healer and the joy of his heart. Now and forever more. Thank you Jesus. Your good. Amen.
His Promise Fulfilled. His truth that will not return void.
Isaiah 61:1-11
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor.
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor.
4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.
5 Strangers will shepherd your flocks;
foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.
6 And you will be called priests of the Lord,
you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
and in their riches you will boast.
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.
5 Strangers will shepherd your flocks;
foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.
6 And you will be called priests of the Lord,
you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
and in their riches you will boast.
7 Instead of your shame
you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.
you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.
8 “For I, the Lord, love justice;
I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
In my faithfulness I will reward my people
and make an everlasting covenant with them.
9 Their descendants will be known among the nations
and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
that they are a people the Lord has blessed.”
I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
In my faithfulness I will reward my people
and make an everlasting covenant with them.
9 Their descendants will be known among the nations
and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
that they are a people the Lord has blessed.”
10 I delight greatly in the Lord;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
11 For as the soil makes the sprout come up
and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness
and praise spring up before all nations.
my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
11 For as the soil makes the sprout come up
and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness
and praise spring up before all nations.
Monday, July 9, 2012
The Name
Another bus ride on Africa time. One hour. Which could mean anything but ended up to be over three riding through the hustling city of Kampala, Uganda, the city of Bombo Town, and eventually into the rural countryside and inward to the tucked away village where Ekubo Ministries lies. Our mission team with Visiting Orphans was split into smaller groups to be the most effective for this unique ministry passionately spreading the gospel and showing Jesus to the people through various avenues of community development. My team first followed one of the directors on a home visit and interestingly enough I was cut loose in the African bush with a machete! We were taking landscaping to a whole new level as we cleared bush around the borrowed house a Ugandan woman and her son lived in. We gave her some food, prayed with her, hugged her tight, and listened to her burst out an almost tribal sounding shrill of joy for our visit, she was more of a blessing to my soul than we could have possibly been to her, seeing her joy and praise in the midst of her poverty and dire circumstance; I'm thinking:
"Lord I'm beginning to see a light in all this non-stop extreme poverty I've been swimming in." It's just not about the stuff, the comfort, even the knowing where your food is coming from. It is solely just about you Jesus...Teach me more.
He did. We walked the trail back through the corn fields and grasses until we reached the ministry site again. Not sure what our next assignment was we stood around waiting for direction in the middle of school going on for many children, women making baskets and jewelry and witnessing a line of maybe 150 people or more waiting to be seen at the clinic. The clinic. To my knowledge consisted of a nurse from America that had been there 6 days and another that had been there a few weeks, and a few of our team members with a medical background. While waiting for further instruction a team member came up and said"Please start praying,we have some really sick kids."
We did.
On the red dusty path in the middle of the village. Asked Jesus to come and heal the sick kids. Soon the nurse said to our group I need more hands. Before I knew it as kids were being triaged by severity of fever, a little boy with a fever of 103+ was sitting in my lap. There was no medication, no bed to lay him on, no cold wash cloths for his hot skin. I quickly removed my t-shirt thanking God I had dressed in layers that day and dunked it in the water bucket next to me I began calmly wiping his hot black skin and praying in my soul just the name, Jesus. His name more; of an SOS cry and plead for myself not to fall apart, and a crisis 911 to the Almighty to intervene because this "Unskilled, unschooled, ordinary" team of people were sinking. Someone gave the little pumpkin on my lap a syringe of a water/sugar/salt/ solution and I just continued to wipe his skin and say The Name. It's funny looking back because I was saying Jesus name and thinking all at the same time...Why didn't we bring our supplies today, where is the Ibuprofen, these kids need IV's, antibiotics, everything that I'm used to having when rocking my own sick babies in America..A comfortable rocking chair, the remote, the first nurse on speed dial, my mom's advice, Popsicles, ice packs, rotating Ibuprofen and Tylenol. A clinic in an actual building with a Dr. who would fill out a paper,which would be your ticket to get a pill that would alleviate the illness, and send you on your way. There was none of that there. The only thing I had was my soaking t-shirt and Jesus name. I was doubting, because at home I could fix and finagle kids fevers along with a little help from my friends. How was this ever going to work out for these kids? Fear entertained my thoughts and I began to think, "Some of these little ones aren't going to make it"...There were fevers of 105+. I continued to say The Name...Jesus. And I began to realize that is all I had and that it was going to have to be enough. So I began to not just say it in my soul but to speak it in a quite whisper as I laid my hand on the little boys bald head and continued to wipe his fevered body calmly and soothingly as the Holy Spirit began to flow out of my soul. I just wiped his skin and said Jesus name and someone came around and gave him another syringe. His fever broke and he was placed on the other side of the yard under a shade treat where kids had been triaged with fevers under 103. Now beside me were four kids laying on a borrowed sheet on the ground not moving. Their skin was obnoxiously hot to the touch. One little girl who appeared to be about 10 years old and hideously thin yet adoringly beautiful with her black bald head and little pinafore school uniform was the sickest. Her eyes were mostly closed but would sometimes come half way open and roll back into her head. Little bubbles came up to her lips and formed around the corners of her mouth and ever so slightly but quickly her body trembled. Flies swarmed around her feet due to the open wounds and jiggers that had imbedded themselves under her skin. Another team member sat at her feet and covered them. I sat at her head and did what I had done for the little boy. Spoke the name of Jesus over and over, believing it this time. I lovingly and gently wiped her heated shriveled skin and prayed. I knew Jesus was there. He was thick and undeniable and I prayed to The One who had seen all of this little girls days' before one of them ever came to be.
We were soon told to move the kids to a shadier area where it would be a little cooler. I was not fond of thinking about moving her and a friend helped to move her stiff body to the shadier spot. Laying there her little heart raced attempting to fight off the infection desperate to have her. I wiped and prayed and waited for Jesus to come and heal this girl weather by life or by death; I knew he would.
What seemed to be forever, sitting in the middle of this chaotically- messy- beautiful gospel being lived was only around 20-30 minutes. Soon the little girl opened her eyes and sat up! She began speaking her native tongue which I did not understand. I tried to hold a cup up to her mouth to give her a drink but she shook her head no! A translator came over and said, "She's asking to go behind the house," which means she had to go to the bathroom! Quickly we began to help her up a little too late, behind the house turned into all over the missionaries; we didn't care. She was awake and speaking! What a miracle. We cleaned her up the best we could and her teacher took her to get some lunch! That was it Jesus had healed his child. And not just her but all of the little ones on the borrowed sheet. And just in time the rain clouds rolled in and the crowd of waiting mamas and their babies cleared back into the bush. I was in shock; a joyful shock. I had witnessed God heal hearts over time, people through surgeries, medicine, I've experienced a little of the unexplainable but I had never seen it like this. Jesus supernatural power of healing came down and touched the sick at Ekubo ministries that day. Little did I know that morning when I woke up what a divine appointment to witness the unlimited power of Jesus name I had. Jesus didn't need me but he did choose me to use my hands as His hands as I wiped the hot black shriveled skin. All I did was show up. That is the kind of Jesus I serve. The creator of the world who does it so marvelously on his own, yet chooses limited humans to fulfill his divine plans, gives us his Spirit without limit, and demands us to Go into all of His world and preach this powerful live giving Gospel promising that He will be with us even to the end of the age.
"Lord I'm beginning to see a light in all this non-stop extreme poverty I've been swimming in." It's just not about the stuff, the comfort, even the knowing where your food is coming from. It is solely just about you Jesus...Teach me more.
He did. We walked the trail back through the corn fields and grasses until we reached the ministry site again. Not sure what our next assignment was we stood around waiting for direction in the middle of school going on for many children, women making baskets and jewelry and witnessing a line of maybe 150 people or more waiting to be seen at the clinic. The clinic. To my knowledge consisted of a nurse from America that had been there 6 days and another that had been there a few weeks, and a few of our team members with a medical background. While waiting for further instruction a team member came up and said"Please start praying,we have some really sick kids."
We did.
On the red dusty path in the middle of the village. Asked Jesus to come and heal the sick kids. Soon the nurse said to our group I need more hands. Before I knew it as kids were being triaged by severity of fever, a little boy with a fever of 103+ was sitting in my lap. There was no medication, no bed to lay him on, no cold wash cloths for his hot skin. I quickly removed my t-shirt thanking God I had dressed in layers that day and dunked it in the water bucket next to me I began calmly wiping his hot black skin and praying in my soul just the name, Jesus. His name more; of an SOS cry and plead for myself not to fall apart, and a crisis 911 to the Almighty to intervene because this "Unskilled, unschooled, ordinary" team of people were sinking. Someone gave the little pumpkin on my lap a syringe of a water/sugar/salt/ solution and I just continued to wipe his skin and say The Name. It's funny looking back because I was saying Jesus name and thinking all at the same time...Why didn't we bring our supplies today, where is the Ibuprofen, these kids need IV's, antibiotics, everything that I'm used to having when rocking my own sick babies in America..A comfortable rocking chair, the remote, the first nurse on speed dial, my mom's advice, Popsicles, ice packs, rotating Ibuprofen and Tylenol. A clinic in an actual building with a Dr. who would fill out a paper,which would be your ticket to get a pill that would alleviate the illness, and send you on your way. There was none of that there. The only thing I had was my soaking t-shirt and Jesus name. I was doubting, because at home I could fix and finagle kids fevers along with a little help from my friends. How was this ever going to work out for these kids? Fear entertained my thoughts and I began to think, "Some of these little ones aren't going to make it"...There were fevers of 105+. I continued to say The Name...Jesus. And I began to realize that is all I had and that it was going to have to be enough. So I began to not just say it in my soul but to speak it in a quite whisper as I laid my hand on the little boys bald head and continued to wipe his fevered body calmly and soothingly as the Holy Spirit began to flow out of my soul. I just wiped his skin and said Jesus name and someone came around and gave him another syringe. His fever broke and he was placed on the other side of the yard under a shade treat where kids had been triaged with fevers under 103. Now beside me were four kids laying on a borrowed sheet on the ground not moving. Their skin was obnoxiously hot to the touch. One little girl who appeared to be about 10 years old and hideously thin yet adoringly beautiful with her black bald head and little pinafore school uniform was the sickest. Her eyes were mostly closed but would sometimes come half way open and roll back into her head. Little bubbles came up to her lips and formed around the corners of her mouth and ever so slightly but quickly her body trembled. Flies swarmed around her feet due to the open wounds and jiggers that had imbedded themselves under her skin. Another team member sat at her feet and covered them. I sat at her head and did what I had done for the little boy. Spoke the name of Jesus over and over, believing it this time. I lovingly and gently wiped her heated shriveled skin and prayed. I knew Jesus was there. He was thick and undeniable and I prayed to The One who had seen all of this little girls days' before one of them ever came to be.
We were soon told to move the kids to a shadier area where it would be a little cooler. I was not fond of thinking about moving her and a friend helped to move her stiff body to the shadier spot. Laying there her little heart raced attempting to fight off the infection desperate to have her. I wiped and prayed and waited for Jesus to come and heal this girl weather by life or by death; I knew he would.
What seemed to be forever, sitting in the middle of this chaotically- messy- beautiful gospel being lived was only around 20-30 minutes. Soon the little girl opened her eyes and sat up! She began speaking her native tongue which I did not understand. I tried to hold a cup up to her mouth to give her a drink but she shook her head no! A translator came over and said, "She's asking to go behind the house," which means she had to go to the bathroom! Quickly we began to help her up a little too late, behind the house turned into all over the missionaries; we didn't care. She was awake and speaking! What a miracle. We cleaned her up the best we could and her teacher took her to get some lunch! That was it Jesus had healed his child. And not just her but all of the little ones on the borrowed sheet. And just in time the rain clouds rolled in and the crowd of waiting mamas and their babies cleared back into the bush. I was in shock; a joyful shock. I had witnessed God heal hearts over time, people through surgeries, medicine, I've experienced a little of the unexplainable but I had never seen it like this. Jesus supernatural power of healing came down and touched the sick at Ekubo ministries that day. Little did I know that morning when I woke up what a divine appointment to witness the unlimited power of Jesus name I had. Jesus didn't need me but he did choose me to use my hands as His hands as I wiped the hot black shriveled skin. All I did was show up. That is the kind of Jesus I serve. The creator of the world who does it so marvelously on his own, yet chooses limited humans to fulfill his divine plans, gives us his Spirit without limit, and demands us to Go into all of His world and preach this powerful live giving Gospel promising that He will be with us even to the end of the age.
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