I see choices in these verses. There are two ways to live as friend of Jesus or as an enemy of the Cross. And if we choose to live one way we will get a certain out come and the other way another. So if I leave what is comfortable, tangible, predictable, numbing to enter into a friendship with Jesus which is my choice, I can have hope. First and foremost in a friendship with the living God that just totally blows me away to even think about that-he wants to be friends- he doesn't need my friendship but he is inviting me into a hope and a relationship and I matter even though he is holding galaxcies and dividing and multiplying cells into all human beings and breathing the breath of life inside of all human kind and causing new life and right now changing through a very scientific process (humanly speaking) the color of leaves on trees before my eyes, and drawing all men unto himself and grieving the sins of man, he still in all of that wants to be friends. And it goes past friendship he wants to give me a citizenship in heaven-a hope to live an eternal life that my brain cannot even comprehend. I love surprises, I love to give gifts, can you imagine the anticipations Jesus must feel -even though he doesn't need it and is complete without it- to know that we will be able to be face to face and stand in awe of Him on the throne and view his eternal kingdom, as my mind and thoughts are taking me into this hope and these promises, food is shrinking right now, I mean I look forward to a vacation I plan for it get things in order and the day we take off is like yahoo...in light of these statements my heart is doing a yahoo as I realize there is an actual date where breath will be taken out of my physical body and I will take up my residence in heaven...until then I eagerly anticipate and await my Savior from here...but the verse doesn't end there He keeps going with yet another promise that by his power he will bring everything under his control...now I could take this with human reasoning and say God wants to control me and make me the way he wants me, or I could look deeper with eternal eyes and a hope of heaven and seeing Jesus perspective and say His love is that strong. Strong enough to not leave me as I am broken and not fully healed, He will make me perfect, He will perfect me into his likeness not because of his controlling ways but because of his fierce love, a love that is stronger than death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave, burning like a blazing fire, like a mighty flame (Song Of Solomon 8:6). His love is unwilling to leave me-that brings a secure feeling as I view myself in the light of a incomprehendable God- and still he gives yet another gift in these verses. After friendship and citizenship in heaven and getting things that are so out of control under control for us he says this, He will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like His glorious body...image....imagine....my body will be perfect. Gravity, time, the enviroment, will no longer have an effect -I will be at the perfect size and form I was created and as I anticipate these promises and truths I can know that I don't have to wait -total perfection and fullness cannot be on this side of heaven but I am pressing on and into these hopes and truths that Jesus puts in the word for us as we journey ever closer towards him. Today I can replace worry with the hope of heaven and view life through that light, I can face loneliness and shattered relationships knowing I have friendship with Jesus and I am not and enemy of the cross. I can joyfully anticipate heaven or the return of Jesus whatever may come first and plan and live in that truth promise and I can allow him to bring all of my out of control under his control - he is the transformer of my lowly body today, as I obey, to be like his glorious body. AHHHHHHHH!!!!
pg 2. She asked that silence be observed to disstract attention from hunger of lack of it...Psalm 4:3-
Know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himslef; the Lord will hear when I call to him. In your anger do not sin; search your hearts and be silent, offer right sacrifieces and trust in the Lord. Be still and know that I am God.
pg.2 God is not just in the details, he is in the muffins, the fried sweet potatoes and the tomato vegetable soup. God-however we define him or her - is on our plates. (insert screeching tires!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Whoa-wait a minute- I see what is behind this statement but if we are actually searching for God we need to know that we are not searching for random beings or things and that we all may come up with a different answer. The worldy phrase says there are many ways to God. The bible says there is only one-Jesus Acts 4:12 "Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved." John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his ONE and ONLY Son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. Knowing that I can delve into my affection for food and go to it's end knowing there is a concrete being Jesus, wh is a savior of Man at the end. A couple of songs come to mind one is 10th Avenue North's song "Where Healing Begins," ...This is where the healing begins, this is where the healing starts, when you find out where your broken within, the light meets the dark...So if food is the dark (not that food in and of its self is bad its good, its necesary its created by God for our nourishment and enjoyment) and Jesus is the light that meets our dark then we search for him in the reasons why the food on our plate is such a mountain , such a trip on our path, and we find a healing Savior. which will ulitmaely will bring life and freedom.
pg 4 "If you weren't physically hungry, was there another kind of hunger present?" Luke 12:22-34 a searching hunger within namely verses 29-30 Jesus speaking "And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink (how many times do we do this we're invited to a party and we are more set on what fod will be there to eat than on the people we will spend the occassion with, we are more set on what we will feed ourselves that actually particiapating in the sheer joy of the celebration! Yuck! that's ugly and yet so true!)do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after such things, and your Father knows that you need them. (rest assured the creator of all things will feed our belly) But seek first his kingdom and these things will be givine to you as well. So the other present hunger within is a seeking for God himself and when we get to the place where the light meets the dark, we are given the food and all other things we need as well- which if we will press into and spend time in belief of this will build a trust not to have to hoard or worry or concoct our own way in food or any other addiction or strong hold.
Chapter 1-
Interestingly enough as I read through chapter one I can relate to a lot of things about how she "hooked up" with food. It takes me back to my little girl days, adolescent days...but my story with many similarities is different... Here is an insert of the book I have been working on for a few years...called "Thoughts and Confessions of a Daddy's Girl"....(It is my best response to Chapter 1)
Let’s start towards the beginning when life was fresh. Innocence was still on our doorstep and we spent uninterrupted time daydreaming a princess fairy tale in our minds.
I can remember waking on a warm summer day. The sun’s brilliant rays were streaming through my bedroom window and birds melodically chirped right outside. It was a new day for this girl with not a care in the world. It might involve hours of running through the sprinkler in the front yard with my little sister and our neighborhood girlfriends, riding our banana seat bikes around the block, jumping on our neighbor’s trampoline, or sitting on the front steps devising our next big neighborhood concert. There would be plenty of laughter, pretending, and an abundance of ice cream and popsicles.
On this particular day the social agenda turned out quiet for one reason or another and I found myself quietly wandering through our yard alone. I pleasantly stared up into the brilliantly blue sky; feeling so small and feeling something so big was up there. I began to slowly yet gracefully twirl around in circles. With a smile on my face and a sweet little bouquet of freshly picked dandelions in my hand, I leaned my head toward heaven and my heart began making up little love songs to God. I slowly and lovingly raised my hands up over my head and gave my little flower bouquet as a present to Him. Singing with everything I had while twirling around, I was suspended in time and wished this moment to last forever.
At the tender age of six, I was the star of my own show, every dream was mine to unfold and my dreams grew more beautiful and poetic with every passing day. I looked forward to one day being all grown up, living happily ever after with my very own personal prince charming and being a beautiful mommy with beautiful babies. We would live in a white castle like house with flowers adorning each window and door and life would be one happy day after another.
I have to believe that as you read these dreams there is a twinkle in your eye and a bit of a smile on your face as you to recall your own childhood dreams. Although I’m sure the details were quite different from mine the plots have striking similarities. Our dreams were peaceful places of sheer deep beauty, belonging and significance. Deep in the middle of our dream there was something so much bigger than our little being and even though we could not define it we knew it was there. We wrapped ourselves around that security and preciously danced in the beauty of it.
I lived out these dreams on a regular basis through days of dress-up with my playmates. Putting on my mother or grandmother’s finest articles of clothing as they hung off my formless body, I was the queen of my own unexplored kingdom. Confidently strutting across the room in the “glass slippers” I had snuck out of the front closet for the occasion. The day’s agenda began with an obnoxiously exaggerated ruby red by Maybeline, smile, but before I would converse with the other queens in the kingdom that day, I would anxiously step over to the closet and take a long deep look at the beauty awaiting in the mirror. A giggle might pop out at the first sight and then I’d look a little harder and see the sheer, untouched, pure beauty of this queen staring back at me. With a look of satisfaction I’d proudly toss my uncombed hair off of my shoulder and join the gathering at the morning tea party.
I not only dreamed of the woman that I would one day become, but also imitated the host of great women, those pillars of reality, and the heroines in my life. These women included early elementary teachers’, fundamental in our awakening to the basis of education. My mom who nurtured and cared for me, wiping away my tears, stroking my soaked little locks while my fever broke, and baking the best chocolate chip cookies on earth. Grandmas, the little ladies in my life who made life fun and sweet, and who made it pretty to have gray hair. Cheerleaders of the local high school who pranced across the football field every Friday night and even on special occasion came into my classroom and taught a cheer. The city librarian who smiled warmly at me and gave out stickers to put on the summer reading chart for the entire world to see. How did she ever get all that hair back so strait and even? My mother’s friends who seemed to have it all together. I mostly saw their cheery side as they sat with mom over coffee and let the weight of the world roll off their shoulders. Actresses on TV who flashed their exotic gowns and jewelry while walking down the red carpet to receive an award. Singers whose voices enchanted their audiences with delight that led to standing ovations
I remember countless hours playing school with my sister and the neighborhood girls in our basement. We would randomly take turns being my third grade teacher Mrs. Reints. She was the greatest teacher in the world, you see, because she taught me multiplication, division and the magic nine strategy. She was powerful and important. We actually became quite good at performing her teaching style even down to the way she shook the chalk in her hand while standing in front of the class presenting her material for the day.
If we weren’t playing school, we were performing in a concert in the backyard. Leopard skin jacket, hot pink hair bow, hairbrush microphone in hand. We were Amy Grant. We impressed ourselves so much that we decided to have a serious talk about going on the road. Sitting on the swing set together dreaming the day away, all the details were finalized for our big world tour. The tour actually turned out to be a couple of singing engagements at the community nursing homes and my friends back deck with a sold out crowd of all our kind neighbors. We were more than happy to sign autographs and shake hands with you after the concert if our schedules allowed.
If you asked me in the second grade what I wanted to be when I grew up I would tell you I wanted to be a cheerleader, along with 42% (estimated statistic) of the rest of the little girls in my class. The others would say mothers or teachers and a couple would say something unknown to this princess dreamer. So why a cheerleader? You see to a seven-year-old cheerleaders are the ultimate form of beauty. They get all the attention, all eyes are on them, their legs are strong and abs are flat, they are always smiling and their hair is bouncy. And of course all little girls know, boys can’t play the game without them. They are in control and can make everyone stand up, sit down, yell or be quiet whenever they want!
Are you remembering with me? It’s amazing what is tucked away deep inside us. Who were your heroes? Remember. What did they do? Their appearance and stature. What made them so appealing in your little eyes? Remember how big they were and how small you were? How did you practice your heroes’ ways and moves? Recall how you someday planned on doing exactly what they did. There was no fear to stop you, just a few feet of growing, but you knew that would come. Allow yourself to be taken by the nostalgia of that little girl’s memory of her heroes. Let your memory take you back as far as you need to go to find the heroes of your innocent dreams. Take as long as you need. They are there saved in the file preceding the rage of the preteen hormones.
Stolen Princess Dreams
“Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” – Matthew 19:13
“Fathers do not exasperate your children instead bring them up in the training of the Lord.” - Ephesians 6:4
Some of you may be thinking right now, “Don’t talk to me about princess dreams, pure childhood joy, innocent pretending because it never happened here. You’ve never walked in my shoes. Take a look at this memory, there was never space for any kind of dream, only hidden nightmares lived out on a daily basis. The torment of the life I lived from day one was dark, filled with ugliness and shame where beauty should have been. There was no space for a fairytale in this mind. Evilness overtook every nook and cranny. There were no heroes to be had, everyone around me was on a “Survival of the fittest” trip, and I was shoved to the wayside.”
To those of you who did not escape your early childhood years with even one little dream, I mourn for you. I know you are out there. Your dream was survival. Your dream was a warm meal and an unbruised body. Your dream was that the bedroom door would stay closed all night and no one would come to selfishly “tuck you in.” Your dream was that daddy would come home and mommy would not drink. Your dream was to look in the mirror and see that your deformity had magically disappeared over night. The only person you looked up to was the only peer in school who had enough courage to not make fun of your unbathed body and torn clothing. You feel cheated because you never were allowed to have these dreams. Through the years your heart has become bitter and your soul numb to dreaming. Over time invisible yet unpenetratable walls were built around your unnurtured, bleeding, princess heart. Why did this even matter? Why was the dream so important? Tears are streaming down my face as I realize how unfair it was for someone to have stolen your time to dream. Take heart this is message is for you too. Maybe more than you know right now. It’s never too late to awaken the dream inside.
The Plastic Princess
The rest of you may say, princess, I am the princess. I was born the princess. I will always be the princess. When I ask “mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all,” I am told that I am. And yet the mirror is my worst enemy, catching me in its deceiving grip every glance it gets. I have always had whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it and usually before even having to ask. Every earthly dream that I have had has been fulfilled. I am the earthy beauty. I am informed of it countless times by the selfish stares I get from men who use me as their pornographic eye candy. I am the queen of the status quo in my circle of influence and the pressure is more than I can bear when I lay my head down at night. The paparazzi of my community follow me into every area of my life finding out how to attain the life of being me, why? I am powerful, in control, wealthy, educated, adored, and even still empty. You were brought up in a perverted form of an earthly princess dream and it, even at its best, left you yearning for something more.
The Prince who created the Princess Dream
Yes I did have sweet little girl dreams and fairytale fantasies. I believe that many of us did. But life was not just one rosy day after another. The point I am getting at is I believe we were designed this way. Why did we think this way in our early years? Why are those whose dreams were never given a chance to form bitter and saddened? Why is an earthly princess not enough? Why? Because, those pure little girl princess dreams were part of His plan.
Inside the heart of every woman, weather well-rounded and unconditionally loved her whole life, or torn down and beaten by life’s journey thus far, God designed a place in our inmost being that he wanted us to cry out. “Am I beautiful?” “Am I loved?” “Does somebody see me?” “Am I worth pursuing?” “Do I matter?” “Am I worth fighting for?” In the book Captivating, by Stasi Elderedge, she refers to this as “your hearts deepest question.”
Psalm 139:13 says, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” God created our inmost being, the place that longs to be a princess, to be beautiful, to be loved. Our inmost being. Where and what is it? Our center, our core, the heart and soul of all we are. How do we define our inmost being? I believe it is the place deep within us that that when laid open and bare yearns to find God. It is the deep core inside us that yearns for more. It may be filled with earthly things; food, money, power, sex, alcohol, drugs, position, praise, and accomplishment, for a time but is always yearning and wanting more. I believe our inmost being is the place where God longs to indwell in us.
Note these Psalms. They were written by David and thought to be a poem to King Solomon on the occasion of his wedding. It is also seen as a prophecy and beautiful description of Christ and his bride (those who choose to believe in Him). Let it be a poetic description of our King affirming our dream of being a princess.
Psalm 45:9-11 (NIV)
Daughters of kings are among your honored women;
At Your right hand is the royal bride in gold of Ophir.
Listen O daughter,
Consider and give ear;
Forget your people and your father’s house.
The King is enthralled by your beauty; honor him for he is your Lord.
Psalm 45:13 (NIV)
All beautiful is the princess within her chamber; her gown is interwoven with gold.
In embroidered garments she is led to the king;
Her virgin companions follow her
And are brought to You.
They are led in with joy and gladness;
They enter the palace of the King.
He designed us to be His beautiful bride. Why do we seek out beauty at such an early age? (verse 13 line 1) Because there is a big Someone out there, up there, who is enthralled with our beauty and He wants us to know that. Why do we dress up and prance around in high heeled shoes that make it hard to walk? Because Jesus longs to clothe us with gold, embroidered garments as his bride. Why do we have the need for security? (verse 13 line 2 & 4) Jesus wants to brings us closely and safely to himself. Why as little girls do we purely and freely shriek, giggle, dance, and twirl? (verse 13 line 5) He longs to give us joy and gladness as we enter into His presence. Why do we dream of beautiful castles in far away lands? (verse 13 line 6) Because our King is preparing that place for us. So let us capture the reality of a princess dream, hold it deep in our hearts, experience the joy and freedom it brings, and begin to find the keys to live it out in our lives.
When Life Creeps in and Steals the Dream
Matthew 18:6
“If anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.”
Isaiah 59:2 & 3,9 & 10
“But your iniquities have separated you from your God;
your sins have hidden his face from you,
so that he will not hear.
For your hands are stained with blood,
Your fingers with guilt.
Your lips have spoken lies,
And your tongue mutters wicked things.
So justice is far from us,
And righteousness does not reach us.
We look for light, but all is darkness;
For brightness, but we walk in deep shadows.
Like the blind we grope along the wall,
Feeling our way like men without eyes.
Somewhere along our life’s journey the innocence disappears. Whether in an instant or bit by bit one day we wake up and life is seen in a completely different perspective. When we arrive at this point one of three things happens. We may revert back to our innocent dreaming phase and choose to live life unrealistically through rose colored glasses, taking on the “Pollyanna” complex. We can also choose to stay stuck at this point for the remainder of life, filled with negativity and a belief that there is nothing more than the mundane, ugly, and unfullfilling life we lead. Or we can choose to search deep into our being to find if there is something more.
I can remember the days very clearly when my own little perfect bubble life began to disintegrate. Many hard life circumstances began to unfold. Death, when my great grandmothers died. Development, when my body began rapidly changing and forming lying awake at night for months praying to have the courage to tell my mother I had ”lumps” in my breasts and I was dying of breast cancer. (I can laugh about this now). Deceit, finding out my perfect family was not perfect in many ways and hearing I had siblings I had never met. Disease, when my baby brother was born prematurely with an infection that traveled throughout his blood stream and only by the grace of God did not kill him, Defeat in jeers, teasing and taunting from peers that began crushing my spirit about my chubby adolescent form. Dabbling, giving into the temptations of peers and partying with alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, and premarital sex. Divorce of my parents. Dishonor, disagreements, discovery of sin, depression, demands, dysfunction, destruction…..
Every day more reality is uncovered about the truth of my ever not-so-perfect life and the complete tragedy of never being able to obtain the perfection of the dreams I once held. More recently it is seeing my children hurt and watching as the sin they were born into comes out of their so dearly loved beings. Experiencing everything I knew as trust and love in the marriage commitment made to my husband come completely unraveled by the destruction of adultery. The realization that I am addicted to sugar and use it to numb the pain in my life.
It is at these pivotal moments that our confidence begins to fade, our hearts become distrusting, and we begin to deny that the dream was ever in us. As we grow up life has a way of awaking us up to many realities that are unpleasant and just plain not pretty. Many of us could tell exactly when that defining moment occurred, for others it was a gradual process of let downs, sin, and tragedy into the place of having a broken and shattered heart.
Life continuously moves forward not stopping for any of these shattering, life debilitating situations. So what are we to do?
Go back and live falsely in a man-made, castle of sand, plastic dream created by racking up the credit cards, keeping up with the Jones, volunteering for every possible committee, organization, and event? Continuously trying to achieve self contentment with highlights, pedicures, manicures, eye brow plucks, tummy tucks, shopping sprees, tanning beds, sprays, and dyes, botox, liposuction, implants, porcelain veneers, gaudy jewelry, anti-aging creams, serums and scrubs, cellulite dissolving lotion, plastic surgery, makeovers, spa days, magic vitamins, fad diets, regimented exercise, and the forbidding of chocolate or carbs. Always doing but never attaining. Living in the fast lane of our “Hi, How are you,” life. Finding it necessary to bigger your home, your material collections, you wardrobe, your vehicles, your list of accolades, and your net worth only to find it’s not enough.
Or, turn off life’s ignition key and sit in a non-running position with an empty tank stranded in misery? Stranded in the victim mentality that there is nothing we can do to change what life has dealt us. Stuffing our self with calories until we literally carry the weight of the world around with us at all times. Drink our self into an oblivion waking up to the same painful headache of reality day after day. Depend on a man, any man, many men for security, affection and a sense of being needed- each leaving you emptier than the one before. And if committed to one he is still unable to be the exact thing you need to fill you up completely and so you wonder and conclude this must be all there is. Do you distance yourself from others and crawl into your own little fetal position not inviting or allowing anyone into your depressive thoughts and downward spiraling state of being. Killing the pain with a pill, an illegal substance, a one-night stand, a steamy fantasy, an intoxicating beverage, emotional numbness, or a casual party of one pity party.
Or take a different road in your soul? Begin to search, wonder, and contemplate the whys of your life and your thought patters. Question your habits, ways of coping, and daily living skills or lack there of. Ask if there is a different way of living and what does it look like? How does it feel? How do you “get there?” Think about the childhood dream tucked away in the dusty part of your mind and begin to examine why it ever existed.
Through trial and many errors we are able to search out our hearts and find the different road, the road unmarked and less traveled. We can search out, with our Creator, the reasons we operate out of fear, lack of trust, and try to control life on our own. We can discover the habits and patterns of unhealthy living and ask for answers and new ways to find out how to live life in the fullest. Jesus said, “The thief has come to steal, kill and destroy, but I have come to give you live and give it more abundantly. Behold I make all things new. I will put a new heart and a new spirit within you that beats in time with the truth.” Jesus words are truth now how does this truth become reality for us….
Face Down
“It is important to gain self-knowledge as part of spiritual growth, to know yourself and believe in yourself means you can know and believe in God. Fill yourself first and then only will you be able to give to others. Knowledge of your self produces humility and knowledge of God produces love.“ -St. Augustine
“As one grows in prayer one also grows in the knowledge of oneself, and if not in one’s sinfulness, then certainly in the potential sinfulness. It brings about a real understanding of what St. Philip Neir said, ”There go I, but for the grace of God.” And as time goes on, it’s much easier to accept the weaknesses of others because deep down there is at least the potential for sinfulness in oneself. We are all human; we all have the same human weaknesses.” - Mother Teresa, The Simple Path
Oh- to the few that make the hard choice to walk down this road. This road – unmarked, unlit, and unknown; with no stability in the terrain and no knowledge of where it may end -is an unmapped territory. Unmapped within the individual soul, but conquered externally by the legendary brave and daring souls who have gone before.
Unless we each individually take the road into the depths of our own humanity and see it for what it is, acknowledge it in the face of an almighty God, we will never live beyond the parameters of ourselves. We will never experience thinking other than our own minuscule, comforting, and self-protecting mentality. We will never leave the safety of mediocrity, even mediocre Christianity where we have created our own cute and personal little Jesus, who may be used at our disposal.
You leave the path of “Safe, Expected, and Predictable,” either by circumstance of your choosing or what has been brought to you. In one moment the fork was in visible view and you took the turn willingly or came to the realization that you had no other choice and proceeded forward on this new venture. Taking a look around things seem somewhat familiar in an almost eerie sense. You feel more of yourself than you ever have before and it feels good, it feels right, you feel liberated, and then the lights go out. What you thought had all along been you now becomes something more. Humanity and flesh begin to erupt on the very being of you and the scene in your soul which had previously been comfort is now terrifying. You see that in your most desperate moment, when you needed to be ”saved”, was not just now at your lowest point, but has been there since the moment your cells began diving and multiplying into your human form. You are coming to the realization that you have completely disillusioned yourself by thinking life was O.K. when in fact you have been in an entirely poverty of spirit stricken state all along. What was good now looks wretched, what was pretty is now ugly, what had been doing right was a legalistic and religious plastic cover up called citizenship, duty, or tradition. What you had enjoyed and named fun is now revealed as addiction. Even the compliments of others and accomplishments of your own are either stored on your look at me trophy shelf or crammed into the closet of I’m not good enough, but in either case the monster of pride exposed.
Climbing into the caverns and crevices of your mind you uncover your secret life of thoughts. The lustful mind games of fantasy, seducing, and adultery. Knowing for the first time that your concern has really been lack of trust, worry, fear, and your inability to control. Laid open your cunning, illogical thinking pattern premeditated to manipulate others into conforming to your will, unknown by anyone but you. Confessed your spoiled brat mentality of, “I want what I want and I want it now.” Unmasked the endless number of deals made to self for the bettering of tomorrow in your sphere of influence, every single one of them lying in the defeated pile of “one last time, not yet, in a minute, just one more, and after I….” The mind where it all begins, the hometown of temptation, where everyone knows your name and your business and the bartender at the community tavern can mix up your own personalized cocktail of self defeat before you can even have a chance to slide up to the counter and have a seat.
The awakening of this reality in your soul is overcoming you. What will you do? You want to place blame. Who can you find to point the finger at? You want to scream for help but are crippled in doing so because you now know the truth that it’s not just you, human kind leaving no one out, is an impoverished species. This disease of self-pulses through the veins of the materially and financially secure and achieved as well as the dependent on welfare and uneducated individual just the same. Even so you feel completely alone. What will you do?
You are ready for nothing and no one but death itself. And death like you did not know existed comes in this one moment. The darkness of death floods your soul, the stench of its aroma invades your senses, and the reality of the necessary death of the self in you has arrived.
You come to the knowledge that life as you know it is no life at all. However and whatever circumstance has brought you to this defining moment is not as pivotal or prominent as what will allow you to live beyond it.
Just when you arrive to the edge- of yourself- and are about to fall into the abyss of what is seen you take one last look up and there life changes forever. Looking up exhausted, beaten down, eyes swollen from tears of grief, face and body streaked with dirt from continuously wallowing in the pen of your own sin, clothing torn from your self-realization tantrum of owning these filthy rags, bones aching from lack of necessary sustenance, mind storming into a complete break down, you see the Only Light Available.
A Living God, Perfection, The Beginning and the End, The Royal Artist of Creation, The Genius Behind the Universe and its Order, The Orchestrater of the Seasons, The One Who Was and Is, and Is to Come, The Magnificent Designer of the Human Body, The Godhead, The Great I Am. And in seeing this you know the pitiful position you are in.
What will you do? You want to run away while yearning to stay. You revert your thinking and plan to abandon the journey thus far and return to the comfort of before, while at the very same time daring yourself to go an inch closer. You look around for a place to hide while all the while aching to be seen. You attempt to cry out but no human term will form in your mind and proceed out of your lips. You want to deny but desire to believe.
This moment changes normal forever. The understanding that normal was a cover up for the fact that you as a human being were born not in a comfy cozy hospital room, presented into the loving arms of adoring parents, and showered with gifts, but truly unseen you were literally born on a battlefield. A battlefield of injured, wounded, broken, and defeated souls with a bloodthirsty enemy waiting to devour its next prey, you. The moment unveils the truth that normal didn’t really exist in the first place and the realization that you have been through way too much to aspire for “normalcy” ever again. And so you choose to stay in and allow everything to unfold.
You are face down, unable to move. Your every breath thunders out of your chest surprising you as it comes. Every thought, circumstance, feeling, desire, and happening is coming together all inside of this moment. Time stands still and “A day is like a thousand years and a thousand years is like a day,” becomes reality as you lay before Him.
You realize who you are in the presence of The Living God, and it my friends, is not a pretty sight. He knows—you know---and yet the moment proceeds. As you lie there you could take on Adam and Eve as your closest friends you see how they did what they did and why they covered themselves and hid. (You make a mental note that if you make it to the “other side,” you will have to ask Eve forgiveness for blaming her for so much over your lifetime, and decide on cutting her some slack until then.) You see the slimy slithering serpent and the conniving destruction he has achieved within the space of your time and it paralyzes your spirit with fear. Just when you thought this moment could not get any more climatic you raise your face up just a few mere fractions of an inch and someone else is there.
The Presence
You are not alone in what seems to be the complete break down and insanity of your own mind. There is a presence at -“The Edge”- the very spot where you had planned to jump when you gained the strength to stand back up. Your breath becomes a little less frightening as it calms from a rumble to a gentle purr. You hear a breath synchronizing with yours – The Breath of Life-. You rub the corners of your eyes to aid in the adjustment from complete darkness and for the first time on this dark path you see an Illuminated Light –You See, You See, you had been blind but now you see! There standing where you needed him most a Savior. The Savior. The Bridge that connects you to The Almighty, The One who stands in the gap and opens the path, The Gatekeeper, The Keymaster who hands you the key that he retrieved from the pit of Hades so that he could return it to its rightful owner.
You dare yourself to take a glance into his eyes, wondering if the beating of your heart will continue afterward. No matter if this look is for the first time or the countless numbered time, it is the only time that matters now. Your eyes meet his and all that is within you comes to a hush. He stills your explanations of why your arriving late and not dressed for the occasion, quiets your excuses of not realizing who was coming to the moment and your him-hawing about how you would have left all your dark secrets at home had you known. He settles all the arguments in you of not being informed or prepared for this Magnificent Spotlight to shine into the depths of your soul.
Time and sounds are still and a question is proposed. Not in your own mind as you had thought about so often in the before of your life…”When I meet Jesus I going to ask Him why….” The question is proposed to you. “Will you come?”
“Will you come and leave the confines of this trouble you’ve found or that has found you. Walk away from the bitterness and unforgiveness that has been eating away at your soul like a potent acid. Depart ways with that evil author, Self, that has been writing the same defeating lines to your role in life since as long as you can remember. Break ties with your comforting addictions, weighty strongholds, and generational sin hand-me-down baggage. Will you relinquish your relationship to that slithering-on-his-back manipulator who has taken one too many advances in your life? Will you come?”
The invitation is there but it doesn’t just end with the question “Will you come?” It gets intimate. He calls you by name. You recognize and cannot deny it’s you he wants. The Gentle Heart Purser and Soul Lover speaks your name, and then adds what you have desired to hear your whole life long.
“Will you come_________, my precious child, my baby girl, my darling, my bride, my sweetheart, beautiful, daddy’s girl, my princess, my love……- You know what it is because these are the words and phrases, the sweet intimacies spoken that could only get you. Your heart of stone is melting as you hear these words for the first time and believe.
You may have heard these intimacies spoken before in sarcasm, selfishness, lust, greed, demeaning you, and trumping your spirit. Or there may have been a silence in your life where these words should have been. Either case these words have not been your friends; they were poor company, and an invitation to a downward spiral of self-hatred. But now when spoken by the saving voice of Perfect Love, that is all gone. Once again tears well up in your ducts spilling out of the corners of your eyes. But the tears have changed. The tears are now relief, grace accepting, “I want to say yes,” tears.
The Sweet Savior sees your tears and walks toward you with one powerful yet gentle step, gathers your tears and puts them in a bottle. Your mind is overwhelmed at how even the seeping liquid from your body is precious to him- worth keeping.
The answer is coming. It’s forming into the depths of your being at a very scientific and cellular level. It travels its way throughout your body, consciously forming in your mind, wrapping around your heart, decorating your spirit, invading your soul and spilling out of your mouth- “YES!”
You embrace the yes and all that it means. You speak it with emotion and rational thinking, knowing that the yes changes everything, because everything so desperately needed to be changed.
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