Choosing Up

A slam poetry based on Luke 7:36-50 The Voice (VOICE) 

Terminology to help you out:

·         Choosing up: Going with a new pimp

·         In the life/in the game: being commercially sexually exploited

• Pimp: Someone who has the control of a human to use them for profit by selling them to others for sex
• Square: Anyone not in the life/in the game

• Out of Pocket: Doing something that is not allowed in the life, disobeying your pimp

• L7: Another way to say square, or close to being square

• Renegade: Someone who prostitutes their body and is not under the control of a pimp

• Trick: A human that purchases another human for sex

He was there
on a perfectly planned square night
L7 all around
In the accustomed to them way
So foreign to me
Laying on their bellies
Arms propping up their chests
Reclining forward
at the low table
His feet
the first my eyes spotted
the closest access I had
to Him
I still can't believe I'm here
doing this
It feels reckless
But then it always feels reckless
Reckless is familiar
Not comfortable
Familiar
So hoe I go, crashing the square party
Tonight I am so done
It's do or die
I'm out of options
Options
As if they ever existed
For me
or so it seems
Uninvited
I walk in
All eyes are on me
the town b%$#
Some I recognize
So soon as our eyes connect they quickly look away
guilt
shame
blood running to cheeks they are
to see me here
playing their square game
I wonder inside
Are they shaking now
the way they have so often made me shake
So much in me hopes so

But that is not why I am here

Barging in

Uninvited

Not this time

I walk

I make my way

Hurdling over the reclined

At the square table

I make my way

To him

And it’s instant

I’m choosing this

I’m choosing Him

Unfamiliar

Different

Change

Throat swells

Tightening

I can’ speak

There is a lump cutting off my airway

Felt this before

The squeeze of evil hands

Tightening of rope fibers around my neck

There’s none of that now just the feeling

What is constricting me?

Yet I walk

Unhesitated steps

Eyes focused

Clinging tight to my jar in hand

This jar

Represents

So much

The one thing that has kept me alive

To this point

A friend gift

The only friend

He never cheated me

Sold me

Exploited me

Used me

Friend gift

Treasure

And yet it is the very object

The very thing I fill to entice

Tricks

Dates

Johns

My perfume

In my treasured friend gift

The intoxicating aroma

Arouses

Guides the paper to my hand

Seal the deal

Roll it through

From him to me to him

Different scents have filled

Have aroused

Different aromas

Just like me

Different names

Different ages

Different characters

On point every time

Best actress I know

Am I

Who Am I?

Who?

Even?

Am I?

True me blurry

Buried

Dead sometimes it seems

With still a heartbeat

With still a plastered on smile

To allow you to be ok with me

Cover up

So my pain doesn’t destroy me

So I don’t see my pain written on your face

Because then I too might see it

Feel it

Numb

Strong

Survive

Don’t cry

It’s what I know

Familiar

I arrive reckless me

In the middle of square

At his feet

Throat constricted

Lump bulging

And instantly

I fall

To my knees

The lump

Immediately

Loosens

So quickly

Release

And there is born

Unfamiliar

Tears

Oh God I feel weak

He won’t choose a weak willed B#$$%

I try so hard to stop

The harder I try the worse it becomes

Like a dam broke

It damn broke

I am hear with my enemy tears

That wants to have me

And have me they do right here

In my reckless decision

To choose up with Him

And instinctively I begin

To do what I know

What I am programmed to do

What used to be a fight is not robotic

Routine

Familiar

Entice

I am enticing him

Kissing

His feet

Hopefully faster than my tears are falling

I hate kissing

Affection

Cheap pretend

That leads to the same empty dream

Every damn time

Countless times

And yet I kiss

On his feet

And I begin to wipe

Weak tears falling

Off with my hair

My hair

My other enticing tool

How many have touched it

For their gain

Combed through it with selfish hands

Brushed it off my face

To view slit skin

Purple bruises

Now it’s here

Like a linen cloth

To get rid of my flowing weak tears

Yet here I kneel

Crying

Wiping

Kissing

Then it clicks

In my head I have one more item

One more enticement

The oil

Eyes

Staring

Glaring Piercing

I can feel

Heavy looks

Though I don’t dare look up

Trained

So well

To never look up

My hand identifies

The jar

I pick it up and dump every drop

On his feet

I am so out of pocket

Crazy

Scandalous

Yet

Remaining here

Crying

Wiping

Kissing

Dumping oil

The aroma overtakes the room

Fills the room

And gains the attention of everyone

The scent takes my brain to the place

Where I recall how much it took

How many dates

Tricks

Johns

Penetrations

It took to obtain this now spilled out liquid

Filing through my mind like a film

Of someone’s life

Other than mine

Then I recall why

I purchased the perfume

Someone saw

Me

Someone told

Me

I could choose

Up

Out of the game

Out of the life

No square life

No fake L7

Something real

New

Fresh

Something I had nearly given up on

Someone told

Me

About Him

The aroma in the room over takes my memory and I am back in the present

Square party host opens his hot ego mouth

Says something about this daddy being a fraud

Saying if He knew who was touching Him He would have never let me near

Much less touch

Or Kiss

Him

Oh god

I knew it

Too good to be true

Fairytale hope

Nightmare ending

That how it goes down

Every time

For me

Why

How

Could I be so stupid?

I trusted the messenger

Who told me to come tonight?

Another fool choice

Did I make?

I am frozen

And I want to run

Mind battling

Shame

Guilt

Embarrassment

Weakness

Humility

He speaks

Not to me

But to square host

And says

“Simon, I want to tell you a story”

Story?

Who has time for an f-ing story?

Yet

My ears anxiously anticipate

“Two men owe a certain amount of money”

Oh god here we go

In front of all the squares

The choosing fee

NO!

I just dumped the choosing fee

On Him!

And all that’s left is the scent of it

Filling up the party

I have nothing else

This is my end

Here tonight

Tricks laughing

daddy owning

Hoe guilty and ashamed

Yet He keeps talking

Continues the story

“One owed 100 weeks wages the other owed 10 weeks wages, both defaulted on their loan, yet the lender forgave them both”

What the?

Forgave?

Them…Both?

He speaks

“Here is a question for you. Which one will love the lender more?”

Ego square Simon answers

“I guess the one who had the larger debt.”

And then He moves

Jesus moves

And looks

At me

Or at least I can feel Him looking

At me

Eyes still down

Still locked

In fear

Shame

Guilt

Yet I have to

I must see Him

And my head edges up ever so slightly

Just enough to see his eyes

Oh His eyes

God his eyes

God’s eyes

Frightening as it was

Stilled the rage in me

Filled with wonder

They are staring into all I am

I am

Staring

Into all

I am

Intrigued I become

As they fix on my entire being

In the most unfamiliar of ways

Love

Hope

Worth

Value

Treasure

Capable

Protectable

Kind eyes

Dancing through me

Where I expected abuse

Silence

A tide turning moment

Eyes on me He speaks to Simon

The square party host

And says the line I will never forget

“Do you see this woman?”

He

Just

Called

Me

Woman

He has it all wrong

Its

Bitch

Hoe

Slut

Prostitute

Eye candy

Body parts for profit

Property

Moneymaker

Not woman

Or could it be?

He continues

“Do you see this woman here? It’s kind of funny I entered you home, and you didn’t provide a basin of water for me to wash the road dust off my feet. You did not give me a customary kiss of greeting and welcome.  You didn’t offer me the common courtesy of providing oil to brighten my face. But this woman…”

There it is again

Woman

Heart captured

“But this woman has wet my feet with her tears, and washed them with her hair. She has not stopped kissing my feet since I came in. And she applied perfumed oil to my feet.  This woman has been forgiven much.”

A third time woman

Laced with forgiven

It’s now as if he is the one pouring healing oil

Down into my dead places

Speechless

“I tell you Simon, her sins; her sorrows are so many-they have ALL been forgiven-

She loves much

But a person, who is forgiven little, loves little.”

I’m trying to take it all in

The fact that Jesus

Just used me

The town eye candy

The town Saturday night satisfaction

The small town toss around

As an example of love

Forgiveness

And he keeps going

His eyes still laser focused on me, unaware to the crowd all around

“You’re forgiven”

Leaping

My heart is leaping

Like it found a rhythm that had long ago been lost

I am alive maybe for the first time

There is a rushing inside

Like a river flowing out

The grime

Darkness

Fear

Wounds

Doubts

Lies

I chose up tonight

He cancelled my choosing fee

Unfamiliar feels good for the first time

Now I am not the only one astonished

L7 party turned forgiveness session

The rest are also

Astonished

And asking

“who is this man that goes around forgiving sins?”

He speaks

“Your faith has healed you, freed you; liberated you, go in peace.”

That glimmer of believing in something I could not see

Faith

Led me here tonight

To choose up

For the last time

I choose the one

Who chose me first

He freed me

Gave me life

Whole

Pure

Forgiven

I am chosen

In a right way

Chosen for peace

To go

GO

I am free

I am forgiven

I am chosen

And so I go

Not as a renegade

Not alone

Working

Not without an identity

Not nameless

And YES with  a daddy

Identifiable to someone

Good

Right

Honest

True

The God of all creation

Savior

Rescue

Heavenly Father

That promises not to leave

Or

Forsake

And says to GO

Be free

In His peace

And I will recruit

Those who also have debts

And Lord knows we all have debts

Unpayable

That need to be forgiven

I will go in Peace

To those who need a barge in experience

With Jesus

That allows everything to change

That so desperately needs change

To be chosen

To belong

In FREEDOM

And to GO