Pigs or People?

In Matthew 8:28-34, Jesus arrives in a town called Gadarenes. There were two demon possessed men that lived in tombs and were so violent that people could not even pass that way.  Jesus reaches into their darkness and before he even says anything the demons cry out through the men, trembling and asking him, “What do you want from us Son of God?”  Begging him, that if he is going to send them out of the men to send them into the herd of pigs that was feeding in the distance. So he does that. And the whole herd of pigs goes running off the steep bank and into the water where they all drowned.  The men tending to the pigs witnessed this whole crazy situation, went into town, and told all the people what had just happened. One would think that the people’s response would be gratitude and thankfulness to get these violent possessed men from being feared in their town. But the response from the town is the opposite of that. They plead with Jesus to leave. Why would they do this?  One reason is they didn’t want to deal with their own “demons,” they were worshiping false gods. Gods they could control and make their own rules with. The other reason is that those pigs were someone’s lively hood and they were upset that it had been cut off.  Fearful that they would not have provision. One would think that the town would embrace the healing and the miraculous, breathing a sigh of relief for the men of their town and the safety of their families. One would think that a revelation of the Son of God would cause these idol worshipers to turn from their man-made false gods and to a living breathing worker of miracles. But they didn’t.  They valued statues more than God Almighty and pigs more than people.  

How about you? How about me?  God is revealing so much to my heart about what I value and where I place him.  So much in my life is changing right now and I want to most of the time run back to a comfortable place that is simple and safe, where I am naive and I don’t have the information I have now. Just like the people of Gadarenes when Jesus came to their town.  That is what my humanity wants to do. Beg Jesus to leave things the way they were.

Change.

Is.

Hard.

As I was praying today I heard the Lord say, “It’s OK to feel uncomfortable, just let the change happen anyway.  Change came with the fall that is why humans struggle so much with it. When I created the world it was perfect. Nothing needed change. It was right. It was good. It was pure and holy. But when sin came all that was right went wrong. Now you as a follower of Jesus are being changed. It began with a belief, a prayer, a decision but that was the beginning. The beginning of changing you into the perfected image of your original design, made in the image of Me.  I am regenerating you, refurbishing you, making you into what you were always meant to be; perfect. But you have flaws. And life has turns. And so things change. It’s painful. Painful to leave what you once found fulfillment and comfort in. Painful to say good- bye, painful to let go and do something different, leave a behavior that was a habit of routine. The process though painful is beautiful from my view point.  I am smoothing out your rough spots, I am tearing away what you can see and taste and touch and control so that you can trust only me.  I am teaching you the way of wisdom. Will you walk in wisdom’s way and become like Jesus?”

So I say, once again “Yes, Lord Jesus. Change me. Change my heart. Make me more like you. Make me free of controlling my life and those I love most, help me to not live yearning for the simplicities of the past - when I was unaware of the things that break your heart and naive about what it truly means to be a follower of Jesus. Help me through the power of the Holy Spirit embrace the change; embrace the breaking down and building back up. Embrace the miraculous and unexplainable things in my life, my family and ministry. Help me to value human life, every human life, over even my own lively hood. Help me to serve and embrace you as the Living, Sovereign, and Holy God that you are and inviting all you want to do to change my heart, my home, my town, my state, my county, and this world I call home for now.

Until Perfection comes.

Thank you Jesus that there will be a day when change will be no more. There will be a day when we will, in a moment, be forever changed and perfected and with you, the only Unchanging One.  Thank you for always being right, good, pure, just, holy, and loving.  Even when I wrestle and refuse you, even when I fear what you’re doing in me to make me like you. Thank you that my actions, feelings and fears never cause you to flinch or wavier.  Thank you for being my Strong, Steady Father. I do not beg you to leave, I beg you to invade…..

16....

I thought I was the one who had planned it.  Sixteen years when I scheduled July 4^th to be your birth induction.  The doctor was on call over the holiday and asked if I would like to come in I guess if he had to work on the holiday he wanted to make it worth his while, when I arrived early that morning there were already 5 induced women in front of me (You beat all the other babies into the world, that should have been our first clue). Yeah, I thought the doctor, your dad and I had your life entrance all planned out.  After 16 years of raising you, I realize that your birth on July 4^th was never my plan. It was planned out in your DNA, in your very cells, your creator created you...A Firecracker.  Dynomite.  Fireworks.  A Sparkler.  A beautiful light display of who He is; that leaves everyone going ohhh and ahhhh, or takes us all by surprise with a big boom, each time he ignites a fire in you and shoots his power of light through the humanity of your life...

Where should I begin...maybe at the very design of your hair....it in and of itself was like a brown fuzzy explosion on the top of your head since day one, I washed it combed it, moussed, it gelled it, petted it down, blow dried it down, put a hat on it to confine it, yet each time within moments that hair would shoot straight up! People would stop all the time to ask to touch your hair, with one lady even asking me is your baby wearing a wig?  What? Is my baby wearing a wig, yeah I bought it and the baby wig store down the street with. All. The. Other. Moms. Who. Put. Baby. Wigs. On. Their. Child's. Heads???!!! God was definitely showing off with your light socket do. (Had your first haircut at three months)

Oh and your personality.....Fireworks again...coming forth so early...we have constantly been on our toes never knowing what new thing you might be dreaming up...what new phrase is going to come fourth out of you to make your audience laugh....one that sticks out clearly in my mind was when you were four years old.  We were driving home from a 24 hour non-stop road trip in a compact rental vehicle after ours broke down. Your younger brother had shooting diarrhea and was projectile vomiting we were crammed in this car like sardines with seashells and floaties piled on our laps. It was the middle of the night or middle of the morning. We were in a mad sprint to get home and get your brother to the doctor. You had a very difficult time sleeping in cars, not to mention cars chucked full of souvenirs, seashells, and floaties. Long story short and minus a few dramatics, you had been asking your dad and I continuous questions as usual to trying to keep the conversation going so you wouldn’t fall asleep. We stopped for gas and you were dancing around wanting to get out of the vehicle.  Mama had come to the end of herself about eight hours before, and in a loud sigh of Jesus please help me not hurt this child, I exclaimed, "Collin you are just soooooooo..." and with your cheesy little grin, in a high pitched voice, with the goofiest eye roll and head motion, you exclaimed waving your chubby little hands around in circles on either side of your head, "Psycho!" everyone in the car minus your sick little brother laughed so hard we cried. 

By the time you reached kindergarten I had given you your own mottos ....you see were the kid that no matter how late you went to bed you were up with the sun or before it. (As I type this I just want you to know it's early but the sun has you by 2 hours now, 16 is doing its thing.) The mottos are: "How can you sleep when your this much fun!" and "I am the party."

The spark of being an entrepreneur...Nobody has ever needed to "light a fire" under you (well at least  not in this category) to get out there and do something. Since you were about seven you have been an idea man with the goal of your ideas profiting you.  When you received a small motorized motorcycle for your seventh birthday the next thing we know, you are across the street in the school parking lot charging neighbors and any passers by a quarter a ride.  You exploded through the front door with that big irresistible grin on your face along with two big drooping pockets jingling and stuffed full of quarters!

Stink bombs!... (loud sound of clearing my throat…6^th grade)Yeah you know what I’m talking about. Enough said.

Dynamite…Have seen you so filled with hurt, pain, and anger, at the tragedy’s you’ve had to face already. Just when I thought you would blow…Jesus came.  One night in your room alone and you surrendered. To him. That was a big corner on your manhood GPS.  I will never forget that conversation you had with your dad and I and the letter you wrote and your commitment to follow Jesus. I still have it and read it every now and then. The Dynamite didn’t explode into destruction instead….

It became beautiful.  The light show began.  Stating your weakness and standing up and asking for help to be homeschooled. Learning servant hood in Jamaica and loving God’s kids at the Nest, learning how to not bully and bug your brothers ad deep repentance for the hurt you caused them, having your heart wrecked for the least of these in Africa, honoring your grandparents, and God opening you up with a love and determination for hard work.

In the middle of it all we thought the light show might be short when we heard the words… brain herniation. Chiari Malformation.  Brain surgery.  As a mom I had never been put into that position.  Having to tell you that beautiful fall afternoon as we all met at what we thought would be a joyous occasion exploring our new house.  That was the lowest. My words were jumbled. No eloquence.  No poetic way of stating this to you. And the look of panic and fear in your eyes as the tears rolled down, I wanted to just scoop you up and go tell those Doctors, and God that it needs to be me and not you. But I couldn’t.  No matter how hard I tried. Or willed or bargained. It was your journey. Your brain. Your life.  So I did the only thing that a mama can do. Gave you back. To your Creator. Acknowledging His sovereignty over your life, your brain and its herniation.  I surrendered of any control over you saying he’s yours Lord, he was never mine in the first place.  I said yes to whatever would most glorify Jesus. Whether suffering, death, healing through human care and intervention, or the miraculous breath of God moving the herniation. God gave two yeses from those flat on my face sob and moan prayers. You had surgery and God used a human, but he over took his hands.  Proof was when the medical report came in the mail. I scanned through lots of technical medical terms but there was one phrase that jumped off the document, “The brain seems to have ascended on its own.”..We know better.  That day I saw the bravest boy I’ve ever known.  The outcome of that day made all of our faith in Jesus increase.  We thought our hearts would burst with adoration and praise. 

The weeks prior to surgery you would randomly ask, “Mom what if I don’t remember you when I wake up?”  I couldn’t bear that thought. I always replied each time, even if you don’t remember me I will remember you.  When the nurse called us back for the first time to see you after surgery I wondered the same thing and “Prayed Lord Jesus let him know us.” You opened your eyes just a little and your dad and I held each of your hands. You squeezed so hard as a big crocodile tears rolled down your cheeks.  The tears rolled down ours too, you were alive and you knew us.  Within a few hours we all knew the Collie Bear we know and love back was back when Logan came to stand beside your bed.  You opened your eyes a little going in and out most of the afternoon.  Logan said a few kind, encouraging words and held your hand.  You whispered, “Logan come closer,” while reaching for and twisting his nipple. Yep all brain functions and personality traits were intact no more neurological tests were needed to prove that.

The light show is heating up in you. You are taking a big step into manhood as you turn 16.  I charge you to live out your purpose well. Use the giftings and abilities, not for your own gain and success, but for Christ alone. It is my prayer for you, Collin Joshua that your rambunctious, 100 mile an hour personality full of new ideas and adventure will never be contained. I learned long ago it was impossible.  But that it may be channeled into a laser focus of Jesus. May His Living Water be the only fuel to ignite your soul, may you choose his great faithfulness and mercy that is new for you every morning. May you be faithful in the small things so that the Lord can entrust you with the true riches of His kingdom.  I do not pray for the safety of your life but that you may live in the center of the Lord’s will, the “safest” place to be. I pray that you will learn everyday to lose your life in order to truly find it. Through sacrificial living. Dying to yourself daily, taking up your cross, and following. Through servanthood. This is one of your finest giftings. And by laying down your life for your brother. I pray that your hands and feet will walk into dark places around the world bringing his light. I charge you to use your entrepreneurial spirit to create wealth that feeds the hungry, gives shelter to the poor, and allows the gospel to be preached to the ends of the earth., I charge you Collin Joshua Foose to always remember the Love of Christ. That you were created to work and be satisfied in your work, yes, but that your work gains you no favor in the eyes of Jesus. You were bought at a price. You are sealed with a promise. God’s love for you is complete only because you follow His son Jesus. You are loved. You are a child of the King. You are a prince of the Most High God, and that makes you Royalty. Listen to His Voice of Truth whisper in your heart and walk you through this hard life. I pray that you use the charismatic spirit, charm, and quit whit to bring others up and attract others to Jesus himself. I pray for you to live authentic and pure in a fulfilling relationship with one wife that she would bring you good and not harm all the days of your life.  I pray that you will always swim against the current of this world even when it feels like it will take you under, and if it does that you will reach for the life preserver of your Savior to carry you safely to shore. I pray that your mind will be filled with the truth that his grace is sufficient for you and his power is made perfect in your weaknesses even able to boast about your weaknesses because that where Christ most fully displays his power in you so you can say when I am weak I am strong. I pray that your life will be an offering and a testimony of truth, Jesus love, and discipleship that others can know and glorify your maker for.  Your life is not perfect and Jesus love and forgiveness flows freely to redeem, teach and regenerate you into his disciple as you continually throw off the sin that tries to entangle you. Live in that forgiveness everyday of your life. Do not believe the lies of the evil one.

Happy 16th Birthday Collin Joshua. I am proud of you. In my mama heart I would like to keep you little and planning crazy stuff only in the back yard forever. I can’t.  I will hold every memory of my little boy as a treasure in my heart. No matter where God sends you into this world you always have home right here with me. As much as I would like to tell you to say stay, I charge you to get ready and GO! Love you forever, Like you for always, As long as I’m Living, My Baby You will be! Love You Everlasting…MaMa