An open letter to Mamas who get told “Enjoy them while they are young they grow up so fast,”

Is it an undisclosed club? 

Who initiated this tag line? 

How does one join?

….The, “Enjoy Them While They are Young,” club? 

As I observe these women they have this faraway glisten in their eyes every time they say the phrase…while sporting a few wrinkle lines.  Some, remnants from their smiles while others give away struggles of the past.  

How do you get in?

…I used to wonder. They are the ladies shopping; unhurried…who stared ever intentionally at me…looking at me and my full cart of groceries and babies, and body of depleted energy.  They looked at me; and yet through me as if they were looking past me… 

As if I were a mirror into a past reflection of themselves.  

Of who they used to be.  

I didn’t see it then but I see it now.  

The club, with that mysterious phrase 

“Enjoy them while they are young they grow up so fast.” 

It was said everywhere…The library…church…the grocery store…the mall..the park…the medical clinic…by my mother’s friends…neighbors…strangers in gas stations…restaurants….on vacation…the logistics and settings had no bounds for the women of this highly secret society to show up in my life and throw out their catch phrase slogan to their elite and mysterious club…

”Enjoy them while they are young they grow up so fast.”  

What is this and what does it mean?
Is it code for something? What are they saying without saying it??
I wish they would just say it because I am sleep deprived, a human kleenex box, my daily dealings consist mostly of snot...

slobber, and poop.  I am trying to eek out enough energy to get to the gym to remove the last few pounds my last “enjoy them while they are young.” left as he made his entrance into the world.  

Could you please help me out here ladies, cuz I am struggling with your sweet little phrase, thoughtful smile, and pleading eyes.  

Yet not a one of them explains..and I continue my diaper days while giving these women ever slipping into my life a reassuring hurried smile as I push my cart…stroller..bike with training wheels on by them…

And daily time slips so quickly through my hands, while “gym” and I rarely if ever seem to get an opportunity to be together.
I am adult human interaction deprived.
I have sung Barney and Veggie Tales one too many times…I speak preschoolinese, toddlerish, and babycoo, proficiently.
To squeeze in a a 10 minute conversation with a close friend is like the Caribbean!

And life rolls through its moments, seasons, without stopping for anyone…

And years later here I am… we are in the middle of my first born’s senior picture shoot.  We are about to finish up and stop to order some hometown BBQ at the local hot spot in town.  I go in and order while said son is out back posing against the vintage brick wall to put the mark of time on his life ending high school days.  

I wait to pay and look across the room…it all collides. 

A newly embarking family with a highchair bound member and a baby carrier packed full of the newest offspring…while the senior booster seat wiggler as the lead attempt to share a meal in the middle of the BBQ hot spot.  I see the hopefully weary trying mama and dada in a furry of attempting to get proper nutrition down their little shared DNA tribe, while juggling the art of teaching manners while at the same time modeling their “inside voices.”  They give each other a quick glance that says help along with a quick ache of remember when it was just you and me and bbq and a beer? And jump right back into the thick of it, with middle high chair bound getting antsy, and the food only half eaten, while whimpers begin to protrude out of highchairs sweet little lips.  

And then a member of the club enters the scene.  

You know not in a hurry, looking past you as a mirror into her own self, mysterious; yet friendly “Enjoy them while they are young,” representers. 

And she says it…that darn phrase…

”Enjoy them while they are young they grow up so fast"…

And in that moment I get it! 

My ducts well up with tears as I am asked to take my sacks of BBQ. I want to get the attention of the entire room ..because my once highchair bound is out back around the corner having his senior pictures taken, I used to pick him up and now he picks me up, I get it and I realize I am about to begin the initiation process to join the organization.  

But do they know what a rowdy member I will be? 

I will blow their cover, the flawless tagline and blast it up with the authenticity of the passions that lie within my soul and leave it bleeding on the ground in a pile of here is what it means ladies…young poop wiping, snot picking, slobber dabber mommies.. 

I CRACKED THE CODE!!!

You can’t see it when your knee deep in diapers, and Dr, Suess books.  It is so invisible when your consistently living on 6 hours of sleep and days filled with, “why mommy,” questions. Oh sure, it may eek out here and there when you take one tip toe ordained moment back into your littles room and your heart fills up to burst with love mode as you watch them sleep, when they have been away from you for a time and come running from across the room because you are the safe place in their world…it may spark a knowing when the first day of kindergarten comes and your throat swells along with your eyes behind those, thank God, big rimmed sunglasses as your lined up with all the other braving it out mommies, sure when its the middle of the night and you are rocking roasting little bodies filled with fever it presents it self in the moment… yet the full knowing is foggy, vague, and you are daily surviving as a tall queen while your tiny little kingdom citizens dance and prance exhausting circles around you growing in each second unseen.

You can’t see it as you manage to sort through grown out of clothing and shop for the proper fitting attire, school registrations, soccer registrations, piano lessons, memorizing AWANA verses, bedtime prayers, nightmare scares, well-baby check ups, month and year marker photo shoots, pumping, nursing, bottle-feeding, taking out the trash, figuring up the cash, meal planning, shopping, and prepping, lessons on manners and strangers and all of life dangers, kissing pinched fingers and icing stubbed toes, administering yet another time out, and laughing hysterically with your face turned as peas are shot of of your littles mouth and all over the kitchen floor, its isn’t visible then when your helping to phonetically sound out letters and assisting forming the said letter on paper, talking about colors and numbers and teaching feelings and answering all of the 100’s of why questions that curiosity brings forward everyday in your little growing home.  

It’s not in view when you are swaddling, and strolling, and buckling up, and learning to sit still. It’s the unseen presence in the room when giving the lesson of proper instructions to inside voices and why it is important to use it and doing your darn best to model it and failing miserably yourself and then having the lesson taught back to you with a preschool presenter.  You don’t understand as you weekly attend story time and sit with your toddler in chairs that can only house one butt cheek, explain away how the dentist office isn’t scary and prove yourself right to the ones who are in full dependance of you when they get to open the treasure chest before they leave the dental chair.  You can’t possibly grasp what this well meaning club means when you are in the surgical waiting room while your precious offspring is in for yet another set of tubes in the ears.  As you deal with sore throats, vomit, diarrhea, and chicken pox.

It is hidden while you wash the grass stains off of football uniforms, help tear down the pillow and blanket fort in the living room so guests can get in, when your social life moves to bleacher but agendas and magazine reading at orthodontists offices, when your calendar fills up with band concerts, and chorus concerts and parent teacher conferences.  

Sure you love them big and bold and there is a lot of laughter, and dancing, and twirling that you are glad no one but you and them will ever see.  Cheers and high fives and clapping when first steps, no cavities, toys get picked up, and the letters make sense sounded out, and they didn’t choose to hit their brother as was so often chose before, when they stay in their bed all the way through the night, and sleep…all the way through the night, and don't stay out all the way through the night...and help set the table and feed the dog even though most of the food landed outside of the bowl.

You love this weary, exhausted, non-human feeling-much-of-the-time-life; and as imperfect as it is…

It is yours, and they are yours and you do it day in and day out until through the years it almost becomes second nature this mothering task.  

Automatic. 

Not that you ever gain pro status, because just when you feel pro, the littles grow out of that stage and into the next unknown territory of childhood…adolescence and you begin your weary self again to jump all in and muddle through together with them as best as you know how, and you would think that if you did it for one the up and comings would be a breeze… They are not because times have changed and personalities are different and  you have lived and learned and then a new situation presents itself and you are pioneering this wearing amazing mama job once again.

But life stops for nothing and no one…through every stage and every season the clock ticks unaware, you watch the calendar flip, the fresh paint becomes old outdated paint, the new furniture becomes old stained furniture…and soon you have a senior son with a photographer snapping pictures of him while you watch the mama in the BBQ hot spot and your world spins.  Because you were that mama and you didn’t know then what you know now, what that elite members only club motto means….

ENJOY THEM WHILE THEY ARE YOUNG THEY GROW UP SO FAST.

I’m giving it away as best as I know how.  It means that whole time as your slobber stained and sleep deprived, and dancing with the toddling legs, and rocking the heated torsos, and sore from bleacher butt…the whole time you are slightly letting go…teaching and training them to leave, to not need you, to be able to create their own home, and move to their own space, where they may join with that one person who will share cells and the Divine will ordain another moment to breathe in and create life, and do this hard messy love dance, filled with exhaustion and snot and smiles, and inside jokes, and snuggling on the couch falling asleep to the one adult movie you hoped to watch, you are training them so they can hear the club phrase from random strangers as the life which is a part of them now walks outside of them too.  

So mamas of littles.. I may get kicked out of the club… I’ve counted the cost and I am OK with that… I just want you to have in your foggy headed state a little understanding that your time here with their little moldable hearts is a fleeting moment.

You are living in the simple times that may seem not so simple right now and they are rushing by, whirlwind mode...Don't blink...Stare....Sit...Savor....Stay...Be awake...Watch...Don't miss this....

Oh and mama, what you say matters, what you do matters, especially when it’s hard to say, and you don’t want to say it or do it…

After the Creator himself and the opportunity of salvation their is no greater force in life than family and the power that it has or the power that it removes from a life.  

So mama, all of your unnoticed moments that are not shared over Facebook...

Conversations that are not Twitter savvy 

Moments that are not picturesque Instagram photo worthy; matter...

Every second that no one would ever pin on Pinterest...

Or brag about in the yearly Christmas letter matters...

The moments count and they are going quickly…

so put down your phone, delete your twitter app, leave the house a mess, because you are teaching them to take flight,

and when they do…

you would give anything somedays when that house becomes clean and quiet to have the chaos and the mess return in all of its furry… you would sit on the floor a little longer and read the extra bed time story and answer patiently the 97th why question without saying...

“Because I said so.”

In this open letter mamas, I am a fellow mama, a pre-empty nester who now is getting a view because to all of my of my littles… 

I am now little to them and some are in other states pursing their dreams or courting their love and my back yard is filled with a pile of snow that will not be a fort…not this winter…My winters no longer consist of 20 minute bundle up sessions for three little bodies to play outside for 10 minutes and strip the wet clothes into piles to be dried only to start the process all over again after lunch and again after naps.

As my heart is proud of the grown men now before me, 

I still would do anything to go back to simple long summer days of poolside where it was…

“Mama watch me jump!”

“Mama did you see that?”

"Mama see who can swim across faster…”

“Mama go down the slide with us, PLEASE!”

…just one more time…

because it echoes...
memories of those little voices in my quiet house…

and I recall with sweet tears and see now how
eternal… 

priceless… 

precious...
that messy exhausting chaos was, the privilege to be a mama. 

To birth the lives that would forever change mine…

The lives that would expand my heart to a place of borderless adoring no mater how ugly life might get between us…

I want you young mamas to know that what you are doing RIGHT NOW matters.  It matters more than you can ever dream.  You are investing in the bank of your children’s live; the future generation… you are planting and sowing whatever it is you are doing in this moment and it will grow…there will be weeds and pruning and lots of dry seasons…and parched as you will be the the rains will come again. You will make mistakes and you will miss moments and it will be there that your little will learn forgiveness and the need to need Jesus the perfect parent.

And then you too will find your place; your day, when you get a call that your little that once shared life inside of yours will find a love of his own and the biggest letting go will become your most bitter sweet season. 

Because it just happened and here I am selfishly wanting to gather up all those moments and resources and seasons and state my case to him and say…” Look what we have here; me and you, you know,”… and then I see that sparkle in his eye; that crazy reckless abandonment in his actions to love, I here it clearly in his voice, and he is choosing to risk; to be vulnerable and love…

Because its’ been hard and risk has shown loss and that little boy has weathered some storms and watched me weather some of my own that loving brings. And it is there that you tell him the timeless phrase that becomes true for you both… that, “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” (C.S.Lewis)…and he pursues her and it is love…and soon there is a picture of that boy’s hand, who's tiny fingers used to wrap around yours; now large and strong and with a small hand wrapped around his… with a ring on it. 

And this then becomes your finest moment....Bittersweet excitement…Colliding pride and grief….swirled smiles and tears….anticipation and remembrance…

Mamas know it happens in a fleeting minute, your baby girls to ladies, your sons to men…and soon, you too… will be the newest pinned member of the club scanning the Target isles, and stopping your cart as you watch her… the 20 something reflection of yourself and you will walk up to her with meaningful joy and sadness and say... 

“Enjoy them while they are young they grow up so fast.”

Be Ever Present,

The 40 Something Kicked out of the Club Mama

Warming Up

I am the development director of Wings of Refuge (WOR) http://www.wingsofrefuge.net/ . I recently finished speaking engagements for the year.  Doors opened from amazing people who are willing to look at hard facts.

Sobering statistics.

Darkness.

People unwilling to let it remain just that; numbers, facts, statistics. 

People who were willing to, one by one, believe that they in fact can do something to shine light on the darkness of 27,000,000 slaves in our world today.

Over 25 times this year, without asking a soul, Iowa has invited the message of heartbreak to the issue of sex trafficking into their community, church, circle of influence, organization to over 1,500 people.  But it didn't end there with a message of heartbreak.

The message was…

Overwhelming. 

It scared some of you. 

It burdened you. 

It angered you. 

But you didn't let it end there.

The uncomfortable state lead to a burning motivation in so many. 

Which produced action. 

Caused light to shine.

It lead to so much more…

296 days of offering exploitation to be ended for one more girl

408 safe nights for participants at WOR

10 trained volunteers rolling up their sleeves to get in the messy beauty of suffering

7 staff to aid in consistent restorative and sharing in suffering efforts

 12 monthly donors

1,166 followers on social media

262 people committed to pray as they receive our monthly prayer letter

6 networked professionals that provide specialized services for participants

3 moms who over the course of one month empowered their community to make a home beautiful and designed beauty for the ashes in a tangible way

1 family who purchased a home and rented it back to our organization at a reduced rate

221+ one time financial donors

2 precious and beautiful young women gaining their diploma

1 woman completing her first semester of college

And because of this other organizations from around the country called and asked us…

”What is your marketing plan?”

“What are you doing to gain so much support ?”

Our marketing plan?…

Love.

And Following.

 The one who Loved first.

I’m sorry American culture myself included; I cannot attach the strategic plan that was the first step to action. 

But looking back the plan was there. 

I can only speak for myself and I would love for anyone to comment on what propelled them to take action, be involved whether with a few dollars or their whole live because it all matters greatly, none more than others…

The plan began with a call…

To know my Maker

To know His power

To share in His suffering; the things he had on his mind as he willingly hung on the cross

And that is what I did, what so many did.

Philippians 3:10,11 says it best…^” I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the sharing of his sufferings by becoming like him in his death,  if somehow I may attain the resurrection from the dead.”

There has to be a walking in to the suffering.  First our own.  Through the redemptive power of the cross coming in with unmatchable grace to overcome the death in us. Then an invitation to share in the suffering… To become friends with God. Some translations use this phrase in Philippians 3:10; the fellowship of sharing in his suffering.  Fellowship can be defined as : friendly association, especially with people who share one's interests, companionship, mutual support, pursuing a shared interest or aim, club, alliance, a brotherhood, a union, a comradeship. What an honor to know that we can be in a union, a brother/sisterhood, an alliance with the God of the universe to share in suffering.  Does that mean we all sit around crying and feeling sorry for bad things with God. Yes. For a time.  We need to have our hearts broken.  Our skin needs to become thinned until we can feel the suffering with Him.  But we do not remain there. Where it can so often feel like death.  The humanity and evil of the world should sink in so deeply that death would be inviting and that is when we experience it. Resurrection.  From the dead.  The light over takes the darkness. The tides turn as the sons and daughters of the Most High King join the alliance of God to share in suffering and instead of the darkness being feared we in fact, with the resurrection in us, become the ones that are to be feared. We are the ones who are now dangerous to the darkness because we have overcome the fear of suffering, of sharing suffering.  We have walked out of complacency, comfort, and the mediocrity religion offers. We have walked into kingdom agenda that offends evil, makes demons tremble, and overtakes darkness.  Sure our humanity will often want to run back into the safety net of the control of the comfortable life we once lived but then we see it.  The Glory of the Lord.  New Life.  Resurrection.   Even if only a glimmer.  In a question of what if I could overcome?  In a smile. In a head lifting off a pillow yet another day.  In a sacred time of affirming a tattered spirit.  In a weary warrior unwilling to give up on love and overcoming when it seems to be unwanted. In laugh out loud, let it go, moments.  In yet a brave second to almost cry a tear. This cycle of suffering- turned love action- turned resurrection propels the body of Christ into motion, into family, into an actual believing to the outside world that God truly is love.  It’s the only way.  Not just with ending sex trafficking, but with every evil in our culture today.  We can remain the ones trembling in the corner frozen due to the immense beast of evil around us.  We can be the hypocritical Pharisee who’s attitude comes across as judgment due to our fear of the darkness. Or we can Acknowledge.  Expose. The darkness for what it is and then…  Link arms, hearts and hands to act.  In our own lives… Who do you need to forgive? Who do you need to humble yourself with? Where do you need to be still? Who do you need to get messy; suffering in transparency with today? Where do you not trust God, have you told him? What passion burns most deeply in your soul and how are acting on the burning? In our marriages… Where are you uncommitted? Where are you self- protecting? Where are you lusting elsewhere? How can you serve in love without expectation? What new life will produce true intimacy because of these hard conversations? In our parenting… What is the biggest issue in your child’s heart? How can you suffer with them? Share your own suffering story with them? What new life will sprout up? In our neighborhoods… Where is the widow? The orphan? Where is the need? Where are hands needed? In our church… Can you talk together, why are we here? Does our worship move the heart of God or are we here to feel good, look good, and because it’s what we have always done? Is the truth of the gospel getting out or is it just one feel good message after another to gain attendance numbers? Are you wrestling with one another in deep community or planning the calendar with only fluffy fellowship? If Christ returned right now would your church be His bride ready or in a frenzy? Corporately have you come together to allow God to break your heart’s to suffering? If so what fruit has come out of it for His Glory? Do you authentically love one another? In our world… Ending poverty? The lost dignity for human life? Loss of honor for authority? The death of sex being sacred? The objectification of women? The lack of respect for men? How can suffering in this lead to new life? What revival and new life could come from walking into the suffering in these areas? Maybe you are saying sure but I am only one.  For just one minute let’s turn the table and say you are the other one.  The one living in slavery. In poverty. Unwanted.  Unknown.  Unnamed.  What would you want you to do?  I don’t know how God will move and stir your heart.  I don’t know what your gifting passions and abilities are.  I don’t know the state of your calendar or your bank account or your health or the thoughts that go through your mind.  But you do, and it’s in there.  That one thing that you are called to do.  Do it. Sure it might seem crazy, unattainable, and a faraway dream but so did a restoration home for survivors of sex trafficking to me a little over a year ago. The only thing I did was say Yes to suffering.  Say no to being ok with 27,000,000 slaves in the world, God did the rest… You don’t have to do it all.  Just do your part. Do something And the something from all of us can lead to ending slavery for one more girl until there are no more… We are just warming up, it has been a whirlwind of God producing fruit year, but we are just beginning to see how light can overcome. This is exciting! How are you in? Think about your part as you watch this video produced by Love146... https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10152516267101088&set=vb.20603236087&type=2&theater

Choosing Up

A slam poetry based on Luke 7:36-50 The Voice (VOICE) 

Terminology to help you out:

·         Choosing up: Going with a new pimp

·         In the life/in the game: being commercially sexually exploited

• Pimp: Someone who has the control of a human to use them for profit by selling them to others for sex
• Square: Anyone not in the life/in the game

• Out of Pocket: Doing something that is not allowed in the life, disobeying your pimp

• L7: Another way to say square, or close to being square

• Renegade: Someone who prostitutes their body and is not under the control of a pimp

• Trick: A human that purchases another human for sex

He was there
on a perfectly planned square night
L7 all around
In the accustomed to them way
So foreign to me
Laying on their bellies
Arms propping up their chests
Reclining forward
at the low table
His feet
the first my eyes spotted
the closest access I had
to Him
I still can't believe I'm here
doing this
It feels reckless
But then it always feels reckless
Reckless is familiar
Not comfortable
Familiar
So hoe I go, crashing the square party
Tonight I am so done
It's do or die
I'm out of options
Options
As if they ever existed
For me
or so it seems
Uninvited
I walk in
All eyes are on me
the town b%$#
Some I recognize
So soon as our eyes connect they quickly look away
guilt
shame
blood running to cheeks they are
to see me here
playing their square game
I wonder inside
Are they shaking now
the way they have so often made me shake
So much in me hopes so

But that is not why I am here

Barging in

Uninvited

Not this time

I walk

I make my way

Hurdling over the reclined

At the square table

I make my way

To him

And it’s instant

I’m choosing this

I’m choosing Him

Unfamiliar

Different

Change

Throat swells

Tightening

I can’ speak

There is a lump cutting off my airway

Felt this before

The squeeze of evil hands

Tightening of rope fibers around my neck

There’s none of that now just the feeling

What is constricting me?

Yet I walk

Unhesitated steps

Eyes focused

Clinging tight to my jar in hand

This jar

Represents

So much

The one thing that has kept me alive

To this point

A friend gift

The only friend

He never cheated me

Sold me

Exploited me

Used me

Friend gift

Treasure

And yet it is the very object

The very thing I fill to entice

Tricks

Dates

Johns

My perfume

In my treasured friend gift

The intoxicating aroma

Arouses

Guides the paper to my hand

Seal the deal

Roll it through

From him to me to him

Different scents have filled

Have aroused

Different aromas

Just like me

Different names

Different ages

Different characters

On point every time

Best actress I know

Am I

Who Am I?

Who?

Even?

Am I?

True me blurry

Buried

Dead sometimes it seems

With still a heartbeat

With still a plastered on smile

To allow you to be ok with me

Cover up

So my pain doesn’t destroy me

So I don’t see my pain written on your face

Because then I too might see it

Feel it

Numb

Strong

Survive

Don’t cry

It’s what I know

Familiar

I arrive reckless me

In the middle of square

At his feet

Throat constricted

Lump bulging

And instantly

I fall

To my knees

The lump

Immediately

Loosens

So quickly

Release

And there is born

Unfamiliar

Tears

Oh God I feel weak

He won’t choose a weak willed B#$$%

I try so hard to stop

The harder I try the worse it becomes

Like a dam broke

It damn broke

I am hear with my enemy tears

That wants to have me

And have me they do right here

In my reckless decision

To choose up with Him

And instinctively I begin

To do what I know

What I am programmed to do

What used to be a fight is not robotic

Routine

Familiar

Entice

I am enticing him

Kissing

His feet

Hopefully faster than my tears are falling

I hate kissing

Affection

Cheap pretend

That leads to the same empty dream

Every damn time

Countless times

And yet I kiss

On his feet

And I begin to wipe

Weak tears falling

Off with my hair

My hair

My other enticing tool

How many have touched it

For their gain

Combed through it with selfish hands

Brushed it off my face

To view slit skin

Purple bruises

Now it’s here

Like a linen cloth

To get rid of my flowing weak tears

Yet here I kneel

Crying

Wiping

Kissing

Then it clicks

In my head I have one more item

One more enticement

The oil

Eyes

Staring

Glaring Piercing

I can feel

Heavy looks

Though I don’t dare look up

Trained

So well

To never look up

My hand identifies

The jar

I pick it up and dump every drop

On his feet

I am so out of pocket

Crazy

Scandalous

Yet

Remaining here

Crying

Wiping

Kissing

Dumping oil

The aroma overtakes the room

Fills the room

And gains the attention of everyone

The scent takes my brain to the place

Where I recall how much it took

How many dates

Tricks

Johns

Penetrations

It took to obtain this now spilled out liquid

Filing through my mind like a film

Of someone’s life

Other than mine

Then I recall why

I purchased the perfume

Someone saw

Me

Someone told

Me

I could choose

Up

Out of the game

Out of the life

No square life

No fake L7

Something real

New

Fresh

Something I had nearly given up on

Someone told

Me

About Him

The aroma in the room over takes my memory and I am back in the present

Square party host opens his hot ego mouth

Says something about this daddy being a fraud

Saying if He knew who was touching Him He would have never let me near

Much less touch

Or Kiss

Him

Oh god

I knew it

Too good to be true

Fairytale hope

Nightmare ending

That how it goes down

Every time

For me

Why

How

Could I be so stupid?

I trusted the messenger

Who told me to come tonight?

Another fool choice

Did I make?

I am frozen

And I want to run

Mind battling

Shame

Guilt

Embarrassment

Weakness

Humility

He speaks

Not to me

But to square host

And says

“Simon, I want to tell you a story”

Story?

Who has time for an f-ing story?

Yet

My ears anxiously anticipate

“Two men owe a certain amount of money”

Oh god here we go

In front of all the squares

The choosing fee

NO!

I just dumped the choosing fee

On Him!

And all that’s left is the scent of it

Filling up the party

I have nothing else

This is my end

Here tonight

Tricks laughing

daddy owning

Hoe guilty and ashamed

Yet He keeps talking

Continues the story

“One owed 100 weeks wages the other owed 10 weeks wages, both defaulted on their loan, yet the lender forgave them both”

What the?

Forgave?

Them…Both?

He speaks

“Here is a question for you. Which one will love the lender more?”

Ego square Simon answers

“I guess the one who had the larger debt.”

And then He moves

Jesus moves

And looks

At me

Or at least I can feel Him looking

At me

Eyes still down

Still locked

In fear

Shame

Guilt

Yet I have to

I must see Him

And my head edges up ever so slightly

Just enough to see his eyes

Oh His eyes

God his eyes

God’s eyes

Frightening as it was

Stilled the rage in me

Filled with wonder

They are staring into all I am

I am

Staring

Into all

I am

Intrigued I become

As they fix on my entire being

In the most unfamiliar of ways

Love

Hope

Worth

Value

Treasure

Capable

Protectable

Kind eyes

Dancing through me

Where I expected abuse

Silence

A tide turning moment

Eyes on me He speaks to Simon

The square party host

And says the line I will never forget

“Do you see this woman?”

He

Just

Called

Me

Woman

He has it all wrong

Its

Bitch

Hoe

Slut

Prostitute

Eye candy

Body parts for profit

Property

Moneymaker

Not woman

Or could it be?

He continues

“Do you see this woman here? It’s kind of funny I entered you home, and you didn’t provide a basin of water for me to wash the road dust off my feet. You did not give me a customary kiss of greeting and welcome.  You didn’t offer me the common courtesy of providing oil to brighten my face. But this woman…”

There it is again

Woman

Heart captured

“But this woman has wet my feet with her tears, and washed them with her hair. She has not stopped kissing my feet since I came in. And she applied perfumed oil to my feet.  This woman has been forgiven much.”

A third time woman

Laced with forgiven

It’s now as if he is the one pouring healing oil

Down into my dead places

Speechless

“I tell you Simon, her sins; her sorrows are so many-they have ALL been forgiven-

She loves much

But a person, who is forgiven little, loves little.”

I’m trying to take it all in

The fact that Jesus

Just used me

The town eye candy

The town Saturday night satisfaction

The small town toss around

As an example of love

Forgiveness

And he keeps going

His eyes still laser focused on me, unaware to the crowd all around

“You’re forgiven”

Leaping

My heart is leaping

Like it found a rhythm that had long ago been lost

I am alive maybe for the first time

There is a rushing inside

Like a river flowing out

The grime

Darkness

Fear

Wounds

Doubts

Lies

I chose up tonight

He cancelled my choosing fee

Unfamiliar feels good for the first time

Now I am not the only one astonished

L7 party turned forgiveness session

The rest are also

Astonished

And asking

“who is this man that goes around forgiving sins?”

He speaks

“Your faith has healed you, freed you; liberated you, go in peace.”

That glimmer of believing in something I could not see

Faith

Led me here tonight

To choose up

For the last time

I choose the one

Who chose me first

He freed me

Gave me life

Whole

Pure

Forgiven

I am chosen

In a right way

Chosen for peace

To go

GO

I am free

I am forgiven

I am chosen

And so I go

Not as a renegade

Not alone

Working

Not without an identity

Not nameless

And YES with  a daddy

Identifiable to someone

Good

Right

Honest

True

The God of all creation

Savior

Rescue

Heavenly Father

That promises not to leave

Or

Forsake

And says to GO

Be free

In His peace

And I will recruit

Those who also have debts

And Lord knows we all have debts

Unpayable

That need to be forgiven

I will go in Peace

To those who need a barge in experience

With Jesus

That allows everything to change

That so desperately needs change

To be chosen

To belong

In FREEDOM

And to GO